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the NOCD Community

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly in trouble or doing something wrong? I think that way every day.

Anyone else get triggered just by hearing the words “gay” or “lgbt” or anything to do with that? I am a straight woman and this never used to phase me at all but lately it brings on strong HOCD thoughts and it is so distressing.

TW: Urgh. I was doing a lot better but I woke up to having a lesbian dream and I think I was enjoying it. Now I just feel numb and like I need to just accept reality. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. I feel so sad but also just foggy. It doesn’t help because I filed for a prescription on Monday because I was about to run out of sertraline, they still haven’t sorted it for me so I’ve had to have 3 days without my meds.

Has anyone ever had an OCD spike and you start to think it doesn’t feel like OCD but it still doesn’t feel right?

I am struggling with the idea of getting vaccinated (and have for a while) - not because I’m scared of the actual vaccine, but because my OCD was originally triggered by me taking a substance that caused a month long anxiety episode and ended up giving me issues with body scanning etc. I’m worried that the vaccine will cause this same reaction in me and make my OCD hard to deal with while I’m at university, as I can’t afford to lose the months I did last year again. Is there any advice anyone could give for getting the vaccine + dealing with anxiety after, as I really want to get it.

Having bad Rocd and in the end of the day feeling numb, depressed, guilty and having insomnia. Throughout the day I would ruminate, go on compulsions and so the story goes. The past few days I believed i got it a little controlled but BOOM!!! It came back massively and hit me like a terrible monster. I buy everything Rocd sells and I am it's victim. I feel imprisoned and all I need is some freedom and peace...is it ever going yo happen?

I just got in a huge fight with my mom about trans rights. She thinks “girls” will never look like boys, and I got really upset because some of my closest friends are trans, so now she’s like “WELL WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?!!?!” And I’m worried that now she thinks I’m trans, which I am not. It just makes me upset to hear her talk about my friends appearance like that. Or maybe she thinks I’m gay cuz I’m not homophobic and transphobic like her. Idk, I’m worried she’s gonna make this awkward lol. I’m literally crying rn

I dont feel well, I feel extremely ill from the panic and anxiety attack I had last night. The transgender thing really triggered me and i genuinely believe thats the real me. My future isnt looking good, this isnt even an ocd topic anymore but I dont want to leave this app. What am I going to do from now on? I have register for spring semester but how when condiyion is like this? Wtf my body feels weak, what has happened to me.

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Does anyone else have rocd pertaining to a future relationship? I want to get treatment but everything I have seen so far about rocd talks about current relationships. I want to get treatment so that hopefully I can be in a relationship in the future without rocd.

Hey everyone. I have been struggling with HOCD for about a month and a half now and recently for the first time had two days where I felt a bit of relief. I was able to quiet my intrusive thoughts and remember that they are simply not who I am at all, and it felt so great to feel like myself again. However, I am struggling with constant intrusive thoughts again today and everything seems to be triggering me. I keep trying to remind myself that thoughts do not equal reality, but it is so much harder than it was the other day and all I want is to go back to feeling like myself. Also, I think the most distressing thing for me right now is the fact that, as a straight woman who has always been boy crazy, these HOCD thoughts have caused me to feel like I’m losing attraction to men, including the guy I like. Any tips/words of wisdom and encouragement would be greatly appreciated so I can work on healing my relationship with my thoughts and go back to feeling the attraction to men that I have always naturally had and loved.

TW*** Im at a loss of words now, i think I just realized Im transgender last night and had a massive panic attack. I googled tocd when i already had a feeling that its not tocd and ended up reading someones post who transitioned from a boy to a girl and many other comments about how they were in denial and I was able to relate to quite many things there, it sent me into an attack, ive literally never felt something like that before, my whole body shook, knees felt weak and couldnt focus, went to sleep and had dreams, everything in the dream was relating to transgender and woke up with anxiety and feel completely broken down and hollow inside, I can barely talk, my face looks like an empty void and droopy. I dont know what to do, I feel extreme shame and embarassment, my whole life flashed before me and how this would affect my family and my life. It really feels like this is the real me, and now I feel like Ive never actually felt like a proper man because I didnt know what It felt like and I was just acting to be a man and theres alot of proof that came with with it. I dont know what im going to do guys, this really cant be happening man. Someone help please please

Freaking out freaking out!!! Oh my god what if my partner and I aren’t compatible!? What if I’m just with him bc of attachment!?!? My intrusive thoughts are calmer. What if I am just afraid to break up with him… I know I love him but it feels fake when I say it…. 😞 is breaking up the only way to find my answer!? Someone on Reddit says ROCD can stem on real problems and she broke up to see if her ex is compatible for her…

I'm having a really rough day. I've only met with my therapist twice so far so this is all new to me. I have realationshp ocd and mental contamination ocd. So today I was supposed to work. Last night I just found myself wide awake. I don't know if I had too much caffeine at dinner in my Pepsi and decaf coffee I had that evening but I could not fall asleep and each hour that passed was one hour closer to my alarm going off at 430am. By 4am I was crying and had myself so worked up. I was thinking I finally have gone crazy. I was going to try to make it through my day without any sleep but the thought of being with my thoughts for over 24hrs on a tired mind made me cry. Sleep is the only break I get from my thinking. So I called off work and felt extreme guilt because about a week ago I had to call off to stay with my child, then couldn't come in this past Thursday when they actually called me in because I was actually sick from the covid shot. I was crying because this isn't like me. I'm panicking I'll lose my job, lose my mind, my house, my relationships, sleep. I took some NyQuil and melatonin around 5am and am just now waking up at 2pm feeling panicky and not even sure how to handle the feeling and all these thoughts. Scared I've messed up my sleep forever. How do I go about handling this? I know I can't have a fear of not falling asleep now so how do I get a grip on this today when all I feel is fear and like crying?

So about a year ago I feel like I fully recovered from hocd, and it felt great. I moved out of my parents house, fell in love with my current boyfriend (now living with him) and gor a new job that I actually like. Now starting about a month ago I was talking to my best friend about how I've been with this guy for almost a year now and how I wanted nothing more then to marry him. (Side note note: I grew up in a very Christian house hold but I never really took it seriously, I was always forced to go to Church, pray, worship, etc and I hated it. I loosely consider myself a Christian because I don't agree with a lot of the stuff the Bible says but I like the values. So basically just be a good person.) Now the day after I said that I started freaking out, because my boyfriend isn't a Christian. Growing up I never seen myself wanting to marry a Christian man or the super religious type, just cause I never want to go through what my parents put me through. Now it's all I can think about. I'm starting to loose all feelings like I did with HOCD and I'm panicking! I don't know if I'm actually thinking these things or if my OCD is back with a religious or relationship theme. I haven't been sleeping my chest has been so full of anxiety. I was so sure this was the guy I wanted to marry a few weeks ago, now I don't know and it breaks my heart. Sorry this is kinda all over the place, I'm just panicked and kinda hoping I can find someone who can relate.

so i’ve been getting a lot better in regards to ocd, & i’m very proud of the progress i’ve made since seeking help. however, i think i have a different problem now. i am a college student on winter break. this semester was incredibly difficult, stressful, and overwhelming. it was also my first semester of college. naturally, i didn’t get much sleep. and when i could sleep over weekends, i’d sleep until noon. that made me feel incredibly guilty for resting, and like i didn’t deserve it. i felt like i should have been working instead. this internalized guilt has followed me into break. i tend to be a night owl, and i typically stay up until 1-3 AM most nights unless i’m not doing anything with my friends. then i usually go to bed at 11 or 12. sometimes earlier. i aim to wake up at 9:30 no matter what time i go to bed. i have alarms set. and if i sleep past 9:30 (which 9 times out of 10 i do) i feel so guilty and upset with myself that i start crying and think i’m an unproductive failure, even though… i’m on break. i don’t need to work. and the whole point of break is for me to recover from this really intensely stressful semester i just had. and i realize rest is good, i just can’t fully internalize that. i feel guilty for taking time for myself at all. i know this has an easy solution (just go to bed earlier) but i usually find myself up talking to friends i can’t talk to during the day because of time zone differences. and i really don’t want to lose that connection. and there’s no consequence for me doing this, because technically i *can* sleep and rest until whenever, but i still feel guilty for doing so. even if i still end up getting 6-8 hours of sleep. i think it’s just the precedent of waking up at/after noon that bugs me.

Worse thing about ROCD is the guilt in knowing your partner deserves so much better than someone constantly in doubt about things. That's the real torture for me.

This year I started dating someone. After a few months I started to notice many things that I thought werent compatible. It was difficult but ROCD definitely played a big part. I started getting really jealous but at the same time I couldnt bring myself to commit with her. Eventually I kept bouncing between being with her or not being with her that I just broke up the relationship. It took many months to get over her because I blamed myself for the ROCD. Since then, I have met many girls that are great yet I fear even starting due to what happened last time I tried to push myself into a relationship. Its quite depressing to have given up on love.

I can’t do this. Everything feels so dark. It’s hurts so much…I wish I could go back. I would change everything in a heartbeat knowing what I now know 😭💔🙏🏻 God save me from this. I can’t hold on much longer

TW* im in panic mode I just googled about tocd out of little desparation and boredom and somehow ended up reading loads of comments and this one post from a guy who transitioned into a girl, that post triggered me really bad, and i was able to relate to some things there. I have alot of anxiety right now and my body feels very hot, ears, feet, Its hard to focus man. Wtf do I do? I feel like im losing myself( not sure if I actually am) falling in a hole, away from everyone, my family, myself, sinking deeper in depression. Im scared guys, is this really happening? All the proof about my gender being wrong is coming up. I cant take it anymore, its 3 am right now, Im scared shitless and panicking really bad