Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hello, everyone. If you would take the time to read my story and comment, I would appreciate it though it is long so I apologize. I was advised to come here if I think I have ROCD so I figured 'huh... why not?' I was initially on Betterhelp because I thought it was anxiety but with as obsessive as my thoughts got, I started to suspect something more was going on. It started like this: I would be in a relationship and have those happy feel good feelings you get at the start of it or aka the honeymoon phase and then boom! It was like I'd hit a wall and that's when the anxiety would kick in. And then, it centered around my relationship and I started overthinking EVERYTHING! I would have thoughts like 'did I lose feelings for him?' 'why did he just annoy me there? What does that mean? Oh god... am I losing feelings?' 'Holy crap! I have another person in my life! I need to- (insert list of things)' 'Will we work?' 'Is he the one?' 'Am I sure about this?' 'What if I'm forcing myself?' 'I love him... right?' 'HE JUST GOT ANGRY/ANNOYED WITH ME! ARE WE OVER?!' 'I feel overwhelmed. Was this too much for me to take on?' 'Are relationships for me?' 'Should we break up?' 'Oh god no I don't want to break up!' 'What if ending this relationship is the only way to fix this?' 'What if he gets tired of me like my last relationship?' 'What if he leaves before I can figure this out?' 'Love isn't fear though, is it? Why won't this stop?' 'What does this anxiety mean?' 'Shouldn't I feel more certain about this?' and this isn't even all of them, just some. My boyfriend and I have talked about it and he's been such a good and supportive partner! He promised to be with me every step of the way, he doesn't judge me for being like this, and he's proud I am taking steps to get help. He doesn't blame me for being terrified of our relationship. I'm so thankful to have someone like him in my life. You bet your behind I am not just going to give up and decide to end it anytime soon. But I feel so guilty for my thoughts. It's gotten to where I can't take a compliment from him or say 'I love you' without feeling guilt and anxiety. I just want to enjoy my relationship with him without over analyzing everything. I may have to cancel my subscription on betterhelp if this place has a better options for me because I can't afford both. I don't think my therapist on there knows the full extent of my symptoms. She currently has me doing EMDR therapy which while if this was regular anxiety, might help but chances are, if it is OCD, I will probably have to switch to a therapist that knows more about OCD. I remember my last relationship at 19, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts got so bad that I had to be taken to the ER to have an ativan which I hated because it didn't stop the thoughts, it just stopped my physical reaction to feel anxious. I felt so miserable and depressed when I took that stuff. My ex decided to leave, figuring it would help us both. But that didn't help me at all and I did stuff I regret. It took me a few years to get back to normal after that relationship. Although I can admit that I learned valuable lessons from it. I have had obsessions in the past as a kid. I remember when I used to be afraid of everything that I deemed toxic and so wouldn't use certain markers or glues if I thought it was. I used to get so teased for that and funny enough, the thing that snapped me out of that was my mom getting frustrated and saying 'IT WON'T HURT YOU IF YOU DON'T EAT IT!' And then in my teen years, I was terrified of death after a classmate had died so I focused on anything and everything going on in my body and just getting scared for even having a faster heart rate! That leveled off on its own mostly but sometimes I will get back into a cycle of worry again if I spot something off but it usually levels off again. I can't begin to figure out how I managed that. Maybe I just inadvertently learned to live with the discomfort on my own. I guess if it turns out I have ocd, that would explain why it felt like some ADHD meds and anti-anxiety meds didn't feel like they affected me like they should. I have been diagnosed with ADD as a kid and was on meds for that but I didn't feel much different despite being told otherwise. But kids don't know what they're supposed to look for when on meds so it's hard to say for sure what those did to me. Other things I've been diagnosed with is anxiety and depression so I'm guessing the chemistry in my brain is probably a lot more complicated than anyone has realized. I want to learn how to navigate my life. I want to figure out how to remedy this. Because I know if I don't, I will never have a healthy relationship. I love my boyfriend and I want to make sure I get better for both of us. Some days are hard though and at the end of the day, I just wish it wasn't long distance because I really need to be held some nights. I haven't even been able to take some time for myself without ruminating on everything and I've just been so tired and overwhelmed. But if I can just get on the right path, I know I'll get through this and I know I can count on him to be there every step of the way.

i am having major ROCD right now and i just want to vent. my rocd centers around hyperanalyzing my past thoughts and behaviors and convincing myself that i might have cheated. to clarify, i haven’t physically cheated. but there’s a guy who i had a class with who i find attractive, and before i had such debilitating ocd (about a year ago) i feel like i indulged in this “crush” by fantasizing. i also feel especially guilty about one time when i thought about him when i was ~alone in an intimate setting~ and i think i might have said his name out loud. i am so so so embarrassed and feeling so guilty for that. it’s hard because a lot of the rocd cheating stuff i see is people having intrusive thoughts about someone else, but i worry because at that time it wasn’t intrusive thoughts, meaning i was indulging in the thoughts of someone else without feeling bad about it or pushing the thoughts away. but now i feel so guilty and wonder how i could have not felt guilty right away!! i love my boyfriend and it felt harmless at the time, but now i feel like i need to confess every little detail to him. it seems like a combination of rocd and moral scrupulously ocd to me, and i’m wondering if any of you guys agree with that? maybe real event ocd too in the sense that i’m making a small thing out to be some horrible thing? im mainly struggling with how i didn’t feel bad about it immediately and now i regret having those thoughts and doing those things. it’s difficult to know what is ocd making my actions seem worse than they are and what is like maybe i did really make some horrible mistake? it sucks because i feel this urge to be 100% honest all of the time, but telling my bf this could really hurt his feelings, but if it’s really gonna hurt his feelings maybe it means i need to tell him because i’m lying!!!

I see all these quotes about relationships on Instagram saying don’t waste time on someone whose not right and if you love someone you know etc and it’s stressing me out like it makes me feel so guilty and I’m trying so hard to get over ROCD but I’m so scared about finding out that I should just end things because I want to be honest with my boyfriend I don’t want to find out I do t have ROCD and it’s really just not right between us it makes me feel sick cause I want it to work out so bad :(

did erp consistently for 2 days and already feeling a lot better. It’s crazy how it works

Is it common with ROCD to only have negative thoughts about your relationship? I love my gf and I can say a lot of things I think are great about her. Yet all of my "natural" thoughts are just about the relationship failing, and me focusing on my mistakes and feeling guilty (OCD has helped me make a lot of mistakes) and thinking negatively about her even though it makes me feel crappy because I just want to think positive things. I am starting to get so anxious before going to sleep and waking up because I am struggling to deal with everyday feeling this way. Sometimes I want to breakup with her just so all this shit in my head will go away. Then I feel guilty for thinking that because I love her and want to make things good.

** TW ** I can’t I can’t do this. I can’t go on I’m terrified to go To sleep I love my guy despite the fact that he’s technically not my guy OK there’s no technicality but I’m not going to detail there. I don’t wanna different guy and I again just don’t want to get into it. But I’m frightened I feel funny keep smiling I’m scared that I keep shrugging and saying oh guess I do it like everything is changing I don’t like boobs I don’t understand! I don’t like the way I smiled and shrugged in such a nonchalant fashion saying yes I do when I don’t like boobs and I feel wrong thing I don’t and I keep shopping like I guess what I don’t like boobs there’s no guessing so I can’t I stop smiling and feeling warm and hollow and hot in my chest I don’t need a guess I know I don’t like boobs yeah every time imagine a guy and I’m frightened I feel weird and charged like I do I don’t like pointy boobs they’re not hot or sexy I’m scared I don’t like boobs but every time I try to imagine a guy it turns into something like hanging I don’t like boobs and I keep a matching much bigger guys but I’m not satisfied when I look at much bigger guys. I’m scared my guy is he’s not scrawny he’s not huge but he’s not scrawny and I don’t care in front of you but when I look at much bigger more muscular harder muscles like built guys I don’t like it. I keep saying I guess and I don’t like it why am I feeling hot and bubbly in my chest I don’t wanna change it I will start liking boobs I want the stuff to go away I CANT DO THIS I almost screamed that I missed them I don’t miss them I don’t want hanging boobs I want I said big and nothing wrong I don’t wanna forget my guy I don’t want big muscular guys they’ve never been my thing no I said her muscular I don’t want masculine because boobs are not masculine I don’t want boobs and I don’t want big muscular I keep calling them but they’re not hot I want with my guy it’s not just that I want to and I’m fine I have I haven’t lost my traction I know there’s lots of other guys but I don’t want them in the poop thing I hate this I feel like I can’t breathe like I’m hot and bubbly in my chest OK I hate that I keep saying I guess I I don’t want there to be a guess I don’t like boobs

My therapist suggested a partial hospital program for me... I really really don't want to do it. I'm starting school in a few weeks and I don't want to have to push it off for the second time. I already went on medical leave last semester.

I keep feeling like I’m stealing. For example, the last few days I’ve had guilt for not trying my absolute 100% in grad school assignments the last couple of days. Because my grandma a year ago decided to pay for grad school (which im obviously so grateful for), I feel like I am stealing from her since Im aware that I’m not trying my absolute 100% (and it’s not like I’m getting bad grades) The guilt has been so overwhelming. The guilt I continue to feel keeps making me think about suicide. I feel guilt even making that statement, because it’s taking away from the fact that I might be stealing from my Grandma. I’m so overwhelmed.

tw Someone asked me on my post what would it mean for me if my thoughts were true after therapy. I dont know why but that question perplexed me really bad. My body has went cold and weak and heads been spinning since then, the thoughts feel so jumbled and im having sensations in certain areas. It feels like Im being ok with them coming true mainly the trans thoughts and I just felt shame and embarassment and thats what actual gay people feel too. What have i put myself into, this fu**ing obsession has destroyed my thinking ability and identity.

I think all the stress is making me dislike my time with my girlfriend. I love her but the ocd is legitimately debilitating. Any help ?

Im scared and having really bad anxiety, I dont know what to do my thoughts seem they are all true and I feel very aroused by it. My ears and body feel hot ughh. What has happened to my life man, I want to cry but my brain cant focus on anything. I dont know how therapy will help me when I know my hocd thoughts already came true. I havent even wrote back to my therapist in a month he probably thinks Im extremely rude. I have to make a decision now i cant keep posting here everyday but I think im just gay, idk what therapy will help me with, I also feel my gender isnt correct, feels too genuine to be just thoughts, wtf is one supposed to do, wtf wtf????

Where can I find information on self compassion related to how my ocd has made me feel? My ocd came on and in a different form in August after coming off meds from a surgery. I have struggled since to find balance in my body and neurotransmitters and a systemic kenalog shot about put me inpatient. My hormones now are causing upticks in my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I cannot wait for this long acting steroid to be out of my system. But none the less, 5 months of solid harm ocd intrusive thoughts that attack almost every positive thought I have is exhausting and wearing my mind down. I am a mother of two young kids and it’s hard for me to do what I need to do without crippling anxiety from my intrusive thoughts in the worst atmospheres. I just can’t read anything about getting better or self help, devotionals or anything because I feel like I am a monster and I am no longer the person I used to be. I used to feel so connected to my God as I believe and to who I was a a human on this earth and I feel like the last 5 months with HOCD has completely destroyed me.

Sex… my drive is completely dead… I miss having sex with him.. 😢 like it’s at 0…. I still touch him randomly but when he touches me I feel off… I really don’t want to break up with him… I actually felt happy and relaxed yesterday. I got to cuddle 🥲 now it just seems like I really do wanna break up just bc of how off I feel…

I can’t do this

I’m so tired of this it’s been over a week of non stop calling and emailing everyone and everday I get answers like this I have debilitating ocd and have for 15 years and always thought I was getting help when really noone was treating me wit erp and cbt I was e never getting help for the rituals and compulsions and now I have 15 years worth of rituals and compulsions that feel like there apart of me and will be harder to get threw when I do get help cause I’ve been doing them for so long I have Medicaid in Tennessee it can only be used in Tennessee but there’s no inpatient facility Tim Tennessee that helps wit ocd there’s places that’ll give you medicine for it but they don’t treat it and going into a facility were they don’t understand ocd and just expect me to deal wit it by myself in a room wit a roommate and trying to do my rituals in a small dirty bathroom is insane I’m so tired of this and this is the exact reason ppl kill themselves a world we’re ocd is gonna be thee rest of your life cause your on ssi from your ocd and can’t afford help you only get Medicaid and nowere will accept it noone understand ocd and you can’t get help wats the fucking point.

If the uncertainty leads me to accept the thing i am running away from how was that not true and if the uncertainty the may be or maybe not in the future gets me to do something i might be in denial of what then?!? This is a possibility and a big one cause if i would have been so sure if myself why would i even question in the first place…And with uncertainty how do i know anything for sure and people who don't know will say they are gender queer so how am i not that.….. ¡ have stopped feeling the anxiety and all these feel real and I don't even react to it cause i am tired and numb to them its like I don't know who i am anymore and everyone with soocd constantly says they know they are straight or whatever and i used to earlier and now I don't why dont i?! Why do i feel like thats a lie or could be a lie and my brain has confused my emotions and feelings to the point where nothing feels real anymore and i feel like an imposter and someone who doesn't know who she is and is suffering…… is this ocd doing this or my thoughts being real just me not realising? Is this ocd i am constantly trying to figure out if the thoughts are real or not and then i say if its real i type all this because i am scared and fear and in denial like where does this end?!

My soocd feels like it takes up everything in my life. The triggers are everywhere. I am a straight female, 18, and I have a wonderful boyfriend, my ROCD used to be my main theme but now it’s shifted to SOOCD. I’ve always since I was a little girl dreamt of having a “prince” and a family. And when I experienced bad ROCD I feared that when I start a family it wouldn’t be with my partner. But now with SOOCD whenever I think of my future of having a family I have intrusive thoughts about it being with a girl(really embarrassed to share that)..and I just don’t like it! I wish I didn’t have those intrusive thoughts. I’ve always loved imagining a future with my boyfriend and now I feel like OCD has just taken that over. Anyone else? It’s like the intrusive thoughts are almost instant. So annoying!! Sometimes I fear this will last forever😫even though I know it won’t.

Hi there! I don’t have any type of support nor can I afford the treatment so here is a little rant about what’s been going on. I’ve had pure o since I was a child and been dealing with it for years. I’m 16 now and since I could remember I had disgusting and disturbing images always screaming at me so it felt and it’s gone really worse over the years. I fear that I’ll think it’s ok and agree with the thoughts even though I know I’m nothing like what it says it’s so damaging it hurts so much. I’m drowning with doubt I’m so scared i don’t know what to do I feel like I’m losing myself I’m disgusted by myself and I’m even dissociating and have symptoms of schizophrenia it all feels like a way to cope though. I’ve been cutting as a way to cope as well because of the thoughts I feel like I deserve to be cut and be beaten I’m so scared I’ll get myself into dark places like relaying on drugs or bad people. I feel so alone I’m so uncomfortable all the time it is so exhausting it’s disgusting I feel so dead inside I’ve even attempted suicide 4 times maybe more i don’t know. I know In my heart I’m not a bad person and I love big but the thoughts and ugly unwanted feelings and manipulation makes it so hard for me i feel like it’s traumatized me even more from my childhood I just feel like I’m going insane. I also have Pocd which is the worst it has ruined my life i’m so depressed it’s so hard to talk about it I really hope it ends if not I’m not sure how long I will live for or where I’ll end up with my mental health. Thank you for listening! and if you are struggling as well I hold your hand with love and sympathy stay strong!!

in addition to exposures, talking to friends and family and therapy, what has helped you cope with ocd?

I’ll admit when I first started doing intimate things I was a very selfish lover, I thought my guy got his pleasure from pleasing me and it was also all I knew from porn. I didn’t stop to think he wanted to be pleased too and honestly avoided it (mostly due to anxiety and insecurities) until he expressed to me that I made him feel unattractive. Since that moment pleasing him took on a whole new meaning and as I gained confidence and experience I started enjoying it a lot more. Honestly I’ve always felt anxiety and fear around intimacy, it’s hard for me to be so vulnerable and even harder to feel “worthy” in bed. I always feel like there’s this standard I need to reach and that I need to think and feel and perform a certain way. Honestly, I don’t need sex in my relationship to be happy but it’s still something I really want to share with my partner and I really want to be that comfortable around each other and grow that passion. I feel like my rough start and trauma around sex means I’m doomed to ever have good sex with a man because my soocd makes me hyper focus on the overly-sexualized female erotica and porn and “male gaze” I grew up wanting to be. Girls is pure aesthetic , I find it attractive because I want to look like that. But with guys it’s about their smell, the shape and warmth of their body, their personality and energy. I feel like girls are more “aesthetic” but I’d much rather be with a decent guy with an amazing personality than say the most beautiful girl in the world. I hate my mind😒 last night I cried while listening to my playlist I made my boyfriend because I miss everything about feeling confident in my attraction and love to him.