Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I was pretty sure i washed my hands after disinfecting the 7 doorknobs with clorox and toilet paper and was pretty sure I used gloves but now my brain is telling me that I didnt and all the germs from the doorknobs and toilet paper and all the grime were on my hands and that I touched and changed my clothes with those hands and touched other surfaces. It’s making me feel very guilty and like I need to shower again. And i was wondering since I have contamination ocd why on earth would I do such a thing but my brain tells me that I did that because I was vaping for the first time in a long time and it made my memory bad so that I forgot to wash my hands. Clorox was seeping through the toilet paper so if I was not wearing gloves then I dont know what would make me not wash my hands after I was done. But my brain is very convincing right now. My therapist told me not to shower again today. I feel like a bad person for not showering again and I really wanna put my blankets in the laundry bc I laid there after this whole thing. I really hope this is false memory but I will never know. I don’t want to spread covid by wearing clothes that I may have touched after touching 7 dirty doorknobs. Even if I put clorox on the tissues before wiping the knobs, not all of the tissue was covered in clorox and the dry parts were also touching parts of the knobs. I touched all of those tissues so if I really did not wash my hands then I don’t know how to get over this. Should I just wash my clothes, shower, and wash my sheets and blankets incase?

So after having OCD for as long as I can remember (since 5 years old probably, I am 31 now), I’ve been in ERP for 6 months and while I think I still have a long way to go, I can tell it is working. But…I don’t/can’t feel happy or proud of my progress. It bothers me that after 26 years of OCD, 6 months of treatment has resulted in a reduction of symptoms. For one, I find it frustrating that in only 6 months I’m seeing improvement, like why could I have not done this many years ago and saved a lot of suffering. More frustratingly though, it makes me feel kind of like it negates or diminishes the suffering/negative impacts it has caused on my life (relationship, work etc). Like how could a 26 year problem be solved in 6 months that just doesn’t seem right. It also brings up thoughts like “have I been making this worse than it is?”, “am I exaggerating?”, “were my symptoms real?” etc. I know these are all related to me doubting my diagnosis and are just another symptom of OCD but I still just can’t accept the fact that my symptoms have improved in a short span of time. Anyone else feel similar? How have you been able to feel happy about your progress?

What was your thought process before you put your hands up. To your face. What was happening before. I was pulling a cart and that new guy was behind me. I had the stupid cart that kept smacking into everything so I was being very careful with it because I didn't want to seem like an idiot. After that I dropped the cart off anf was walking back to get a new one. I had already blew into my hands one because it was cold but I saw this guy and decided to do it again. I don't really remember my thought process. "it's fucking cold, blow in your hands to show him your cold". I'm anxious that this was flirting. I don't really find him that attractive. Like kind of but not really. So I don't think it was because he was attractive. I also don't think it was showing romantic or sexual interest. But yet I'm still anxious it's flirting. I'm also anxious that when I was singing "I can't wait" on the radio it was directed towards Waldy. Again I also don't find him that attractive but he's okay. But I think I was singing a little louder ND having thoughts of being in a relationship with him. Once I realized I stopped singing around him. However I think this was just an intrusive thought, and the only reason it came was because I've been anxious about this hands thing for like 10 hours. I absolutely hate this and want to confess everything to my bf but I know realistically I'm not flirting. But I feel like I am. Ugh I'm also now anxious I sighed loudly to get the other guy to talk to me because I thought he was polite. I was pulling a heavy pallet, and instead of walking in front of me he just said "you go, I can wait a sec" and I think I said something along the lines of "thanks, it's heavy". I parked the pallet and sighed. Before (I think. I don't really remember) I sighed I was having intrusive thoughts of being in a relationship with this individual because they were nice to me. And I'm paranoid I think I sighed to continue conversation. It didn't and I just left. But 1 I don't think he's that attractive, but at the time I might have. And I don't think I was sighing to show romantic or sexual interest. I'm shaking. I'm still caught up wihh the hands thing. I feel like I need to tell Adam so bad. But if it wasn't anything and it's just my OCD it'll seriously damage our relationship even more. I'm trying to replay these situations in my head over and over and over trying to remember what my thoughts were before my actions, if the actions came from my thoughts or the thoughts came after. The shitty part about all of this is I feel like I can't remember. I'm freaking out. Part of me in tempted to leave my relationship because I feel like I'm a horrible person. I feel like I'm hiding something so bad I don't want to flirt with people. I don't want to think about being in relationships with other people. I can't tell if I'm flirting or if it's my OCD If I flirted I have to tell my bf because that's our relationship rules/boundies. But I don't wanna confess to something I don't entirely remember or maybe I'm just faking forgetting so I can convince myself I'm not flirting?? I absolutely have everything rn

What do you do when feelings fade in a long term relationship?

🆘🆘🆘 Please someone answer So I took a Flexeril last night. And it did help me sleep. But I came with really bad dreams well more like thoughts not images. Or I don’t know I guess I don’t I tend to not remember my dreams that much it’s really rare when I do. I went to bed at maybe two in the morning and woke up at six something and I woke up to thoughts like women are when they’re not Sexy are delicious to me and I remember it feeling wrong describing them as such. I remember trying to calm down because I was getting these weird painful feelings in my stomach because it didn’t feel right to describe women like that because they’re not hot sexy or delicious to me. And I don’t even like the fact that when I was writing this writing that last sentence that I smiled. Like I mean otherwise and I don’t. And so I use the restroom and I try to go back to sleep and I do for a little while maybe an hour. And then I woke up sort of imagine getting in an argument and saying that my body is when my body‘s not bisexual. And that was really terrifying I wake up with my hands particularly my palms really clammy I woke up with my heart pounding because when I I was I remembered arguing and I was gonna say something else and then BISEXUAL slipped out and I’m scared the pressure went away when I said it but I’m not bisexual! So if I’m not why did the pressure go away saying otherwise? And then I I’m scared I was trying to find out how to do something in a particular video game. Pokémon brilliant diamond I just noticed a lot of people online had these cool outfits and I was like I wonder how to do that’s why he’s trying to look up online how to. I found out and the outfits actually were cool and I said of course the woman’s outfits were they weren’t really better it’s just the guys don’t have much to go on when it comes to that kind of style and stuff like that. They’re kind of stuck. And then I imagined it I’m frightened I smiled and stepped back so to speak in my mind in my chest like internally and almost feel better why would I feel better imagining if I’m straight if this is OCD I don’t wanna suck boobs I’m not BISEXUAL! So for that to happen right after waking up saying my body is feeling better scares me I my heart is not bisexual and neither is my body so how can I wake up saying that and having the pressure went away and then having that thing you know smiling imagining and having the pressure going to stepping back but I don’t wanna suck boobs! I am scared I I have the way I smiled and then I looked at my guy like a picture of him and I’m fine I know I’m not over the guy he’s fucking lovely I don’t ever wanna be over him but I made a face I’m scared of how I smiled how I feel better imagining and then stepping back like why would that happen I don’t wanna suck boobs I don’t want to my body I don’t want to suck boobs I’m so confused I’m scared this proves what I dreamed but I’m not bisexual so why would I smile my body wants men not women like the first dream was like no this it didn’t feel right to describe them as such and I was imagining I called them but they’re not delicious I was imagining boobs of all kinds I don’t and hanging and shit and I don’t like either! And imagining I keep saying with her bodies are not hot or sexy I don’t want to change I don’t wanna add I don’t want to discover anything I keep thinking that I already but I never knew it because it’s not true it’s not real! So why do The pressure go away saying bye when I’m not bisexual then imagining why would the pressure go away saying that and smiling I don’t wanna suck boobs why would the pressure go away imagining doing so and now I can’t stop I can’t breathe! Like I can’t like I make faces like I don’t want I’m not bisexual I absolutely love not huge ones but I love pectorals I like guys know I almost said I am but I don’t like girls like guys and balls I don’t like girls at all I said I like I meant to say pectorals and then almost had like but I’m not bisexual I don’t like it the word either what is happening to me 🥺🥺

I feel terrible. The porn I watched from ages 12-16 was disgusting, I feel like some sick sexual deviant. I don’t have the courage to tell my therapist what exactly I watched out of fear that they’ll confirm that it’s not ocd and my fears are true. I did tell them talk a little bit about my obsession with porn and we did erp for it but my fear is still so strong. I’ve seen people obsess about the same thing but I always feel like what I did was way worse.. :( I just don’t want to feel this way anymore when I’m doing good my fears seem so irrational and stupid but when it gets bad it feels very real and that my life is over.

So frustrated with the misunderstanding of OCD today. A friend of mine gave me a bag with gifts for every day until Christmas (like an advent calendar sort of thing). Because of my OCD, I have a hard time handling/touching things that have come into my home from "outside." I thought this would be a great exposure having to open a gift each day this month. I was even considering telling this friend about my OCD, explaining ERP, and how her gifts could help me in my recovery. Well we were just texting one another about what we're baking for the holidays and how we like the combination of sweet and salty. Then she says this: "I'm surprised I like that combo because I have always had OCD tendencies and hated mixing flavors and foods like that." UGH. Just when I think it might be safe to share my "secret." Nope. Not gonna happen. Now I'm just mad. Thanks for letting me vent.

Does anyone know how to deal with anger issues, cause when I get it I harm myself and I just punched the bathroom sink because I’m angry

About a year & a half ago i got this crazy memory that I basically had no clue existed but my mind convinced me it did. I talked with family and i knew in my heart that I didn’t do it. Recently a couple days ago the thought is back and i feel like I’ve done it. Im struggling so badly.

A little bit about my situation: I have had other OCD symptoms throughout my life, but never ROCD until getting into my current relationship with my boyfriend. Before him, I was never in a relationship for longer than 6 months and I kind of developed a "well relationships aren't for me" mindset. Then I met him and everything changed. He treated me so well and he became my best friend. Around 6 or 7 months in, when things were getting more serious, I started having these waves of doubts like "maybe I should break up with him", "what if I don't love him", "do I even know him"....etc. These thoughts would bring so much intense anxiety and depression and I would obsess. This has happened off and on over the last almost 3 years. When I am not experiencing these thoughts, I have felt so in love and happy about planning our future. Over the last several months I had gotten a break from ROCD, I simply felt happy and in love. We constantly talked about marriage and our future. We have a dog together and we started looking at apartments. All good things. We found an apartment and signed our lease and I was so excited. Then a few weeks out from our move in date, I started to have doubts. "Am I doing the right thing", "Is he the right person", "What if we hate each other once we live together"....etc. I know these are normal doubts right before a big change but I just started obsessing again. I've had some moments of feeling okay and like I love him but mostly I've just been overcome with anxiety. We have only been in our new place for 1 month and I still dont feel fully settled in. Change is a big trigger for my anxiety and dissociation as well so that isn't helping the ROCD. I'm trying to feel happy and feel in love and feel connected with him but mostly now I just feel constant doubts and fears and then sadness because of those doubts and fears. And the worst part? Because I have been having such intense anxiety about the drastic change of moving as well from the ROCD, I just feel completely dissociated most of the time. I don't feel connected to him (or anything in my life/the world actually) so now my thoughts are like "I feel like I don't know him so I don't feel safe", "What if I never feel connected again", "What if I need to leave in order to get rid of this anxiety and dissociation", "What if I'm just feeling this way because I don't love him", "Maybe I should just pack up and run away"...Or I will obsess over things I might not "like" about him - like if we get into a disagreement or if he has a different opinion about something small, I get thoughts like "Wow I guess hes just an awful person". I've been checking myself constantly during "good moments" to see if I really feel anything. Its so exhausting. Like I said I struggle with dissociation and depression so when my anxiety or my thoughts get really intense and stressful, I tend to just shut down - I stop feeling real, I become disconnected and I just stop feeling anything in general. Its been a nightmare.

Is this ROCD or not? I continuously keep having doubts about my feelings for my boyfriend. I’ve never had this before with my previous relationships and it’s really upsetting because this is the first boy that’s actually treating me like how i deserve. I feel like i’m in a bubble when it’s to do with him. I feel like i can’t emotionally get to him or connect to him. Whenever I think about him or see photos of him i get anxious and stuff. I know i want to be with him forever and i panic about it going wrong. I’m scared i’m going to end up giving in to the doubts and end it😞Whenever i think about the future it makes me anxious, it’s like i’m turning my emotions off. I keep crying after being intimate with him and i don’t know why, i’m panicking it’s because i’m losing feelings for him. I look at other couples and ask myself why am i not like them, why am i not in love like them. They make it look easy and it’s making me doubt everything. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and it’s amazing when i don’t have these horrendous doubts. He’s so patient with me and he loves me and worships the ground that I walk on yet and I still have these doubts. They came when our relationship started getting serious. I keep asking my friends and mum for reassurance if i love him and it’s making me so so sad. I feel like if i love him i shouldn’t be having these feelings. He’s not done anything wrong and i feel so guilty for it. Is this OCD or me? Plz help :(

This post is just serving as a journal entry for me, don’t feel the need to respond, but if you do, thank you! So today was my last therapy session with my school counselor, she was still worried about me since last time we had spoken she was recommending I check myself into the emergency room for suicidal thoughts and fear of hurting others unintentionally. My intrusive thoughts have been running rampant, and acting on compulsions often leave me feeling terrible and fearful. My brain won’t allow me to just leave things and not go back to analyze every little thing. I can’t seem to find much enjoyment in anything, after the therapy appointment I slept for some 4 hours, it seems that sleep is the only time I feel any sort of peace, but as soon as I wake, that very first second of being awake, all my memories, thoughts and fears come rushing back into my mind, it’s the worst feeling. But even though I’m still struggling a lot, I seem to be able to find some semblance of being okay, my health insurance coverage doesn’t kick in until December 1st, so tomorrow and I sadly have to wait a month until I can make an appointment with a psychologist so that my insurance will cover it. I’m constantly scared that I’m going to crack and do something truly terrible. But if I get too bad or the thoughts become too much then I’ll go to the hospital. It’s incredibly difficult right now, but hopefully I’ll be able to get through this upcoming month. My false memory has been really bad lately, it’s trying to convince me of some really horrible stuff, but reminding myself of my morals and values reminds me that I know I would never do what it’s telling me, while I’ve made some really dumb and idiotic mistakes, I know I wouldn’t ever do what it’s telling me. Reassurance doesn’t really help anymore so that’s stopped being a strong compulsion. I’m trying to cut off certain triggers from my life, while I know exposure is important, I’ve just been trying to avoid ones that I know won’t help. That’s basically been my day, I’m sad that I won’t see my school counselor anymore, and even more sad that she feels she couldn’t help me as much as she may have wanted to, but I’m grateful for having gone, because even though she doesn’t specialize in OCD, she has been incredibly kind and compassionate. Seeing her has allowed me to open up to those around me and be honest with all of them. While I know confessing is a compulsion, I feel as if telling those closest to me was a good idea, at least now they know everything. But I hope this month isn’t a truly awful one, I hope for not a good month, but at least a not so panic filled one. My counselor has asked me to keep in touch with her since she was really scared to just let me leave without going to the hospital, I hope I’ll be able to tell her some good news soon. For now, I’m just going to try and sleep for the night, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I have a really stupid question but I’ve always want to work in the health care field. I want to be a nurse but for some reason I feel like I can’t because of my OCD. Like I been looking into trade school to become and ultrasound tech and I feel like I won’t be able to complete or do well in school because of this. I feel like my mind won’t be able to stay focused on my school work and be focused more on my obsessions. I was trying to google what kind of Jobs people with OCD normally have but I’m not really seeing anything? Right now I work in retail and fast food. I’m 22 years old and I just want a better job and make real money. I want to be successful. What kind of jobs do you have?

Does anyone ever have thoughts on “could have been/happen” moments? I always (use to be daily for about 2 years) get this thought that I’m a punk because I turned down a fight (apon reflection: that I may have started) at 17 (I am now 27). Til this day I still try to prove myself to myself. I use to take boxing classes but I have a injury. So as long as I’m not practicing fighting than I feel like a punk. Anyone experience something similar?

I’m so heartbroken. After battling with hocd all last year and having the worst year of my life, my boyfriend has not let it go. He thinks I’m a lesbian and calls me a “lezzo” in fights. I’m so heartbroken. He won’t let this go and I forever feel like I’ve destroyed this relationship and it’ll never ever go back to being normal. :((((

All day I’ve been obsessing over who he follows on Instagram. I was doing so well for months but I feel like I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole. so many of these people he follows seem so triggering- why did he follow this girl on one account and not the other? The girls in his university class that he follows seem WAY too young for them to be “liking” each other’s photos. is he being inappropriate? he’s way too old for them. why is he friends with this girl on Facebook too? Ugh, it’s just exhausting and my brain is absolutely swimming. I’ve been obsessing over this since the morning and I should be working. I’m also sort of embarrassed that I’m in my 30s and worrying about girls on a freaking app. It all feels so pathetic and stupid but at the same time, VERY scary and real 😞

We know from personal experience that living with OCD can feel isolating, so it’s important to have support from someone who truly understands you. That’s why every member who begins treatment at NOCD Therapy is connected to a Peer Advisor. Our team of Peer Advisors at NOCD Therapy has experienced OCD and completed ERP at NOCD Therapy. They can relate to what you may be experiencing as you begin your treatment journey and are available to address questions, hesitations, or fears you may have. They’ll help you prepare for your first therapy session and will check in afterward to ensure that your NOCD therapist was a good match. At NOCD Therapy, you’re never alone as you begin your OCD treatment journey. Book a free call with our team to learn more about working with a NOCD therapist that can help you get better, and getting support from a Peer Advisor when you start.

TW IM convinced that no one in the work could possibly be 100% straight. Just strong preferences. Does this make sense?

I am FED UP with this obsession now and listening to the erp. How long does it take for your brain to realise it is a load of RUBBISH and it is all in your head??????? I feel I can't keep doing this. My anxiety is going down but I am getting angry with what the erp is saying to me now but still BELIEVE it.....when will this end? I have had moments of clarity but it doesnt last......please help

To all the girls out there :) When your period is coming, does it increase your intrusive thoughts? If so, how do you cope with it? I mean, I clearly know it’s OCD and I know how not-to care about it after this time of the month but week before and during the cycle it’s like a nightmare… even tho I know it’s just this freaking ilness, I feel a huge anxiety and fear. How do you cope with that, girls? (Not looking for reassurance or anything, just being curious! :))