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I’m just feeling so incredibly awful right now. Someone on a discord server I’m in admitted that a few years ago they were sexually rping with a minor. They didn’t find out they were a minor until now, nor had they ever asked previously, and they themself were also a minor (both then and now). Someone brought up loli in relation and I just felt myself freeze. Because years ago I had found shota and had masturbated to it (I don’t think I understood fully what it was at the time but when I think back on it now there’s not a whole lot of room for misunderstanding) and I just feel so horrible. I had found it during a previous OCD spike of a different obsession and I wonder if I did it as a horrible sort of bad coping mechanism. Doesn’t matter now. I hate that it happened. I hate that I ever looked at it. I wish I could go back to before and slap myself. No one on that discord knows about what I just mentioned, nor will they ever. I never even really thought about that stuff until this spike that I’ve been in for about a year now. And now I’m super scared. I know I’ve never wanted or desired anything like that. I’ve always wanted older men or men my age. But now I just feel so disgusted and horrible and ashamed and I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. I know when I’ve compulsed myself into realizing that I’m not an actual and that I’ve never wanted that stuff I felt immense relief and felt like my normal self. But times like now where I feel just so disgusted and feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and that I’ve just been in denial this entire time when I know I have not. I know that when I heard about an actual getting caught before this spike I felt horrified and disgusted and couldn’t understand why people would do that. But now I get these intrusive thought like “you want that too, just admit it.” But I don’t! Dare I say I don’t even feel like I truly know who I am anymore. Before I was so happy to be an aunt and wanted to spend time with my niece as much as I could, and I always made sure to play with my little cousins and I’ve loved them so much. But now my brain is like “you’ve always secretly wanted to do inappropriate things to them” but I’m pretty sure I haven’t! The only thing I can think of is suddenly getting an intrusive thought like that when around them but not really paying it much mind (like you’re supposed to), and it’s just me remembering that now. Idk. Who knows. And even me saying that I don’t want it or never wanted it feels half-hearted, not certain like it used to (which I know, OCDs doing). Ive even been feeling groinals responses, which don’t really feel anything like true arousal (ive felt what true arousal feels like, and this ain’t it, chief. And I felt that true arousal with guys older or same age). Hell I’ve played romance games where I know all of the romance options are of age (and the games are rated for 18+ so I would HOPE there wouldn’t be any romanceable minors) yet one of them I’ll pass on because their overall presence just makes me feel like they’re too young and I only see them as like a little sibling or even as like my adopted child lol I know I’m rambling. I think I just compulsed myself to calmness, so……whoops. But I felt like I just needed to get it all out anyway because I felt like I was going to explode :/

Hey guys thought i'd share my story as I just recently found out about OCD and I've never talked about it with anyone. Hoping someone can relate. I believe I've had OCD my entire life, but I didn't know what it really was until recently as it has gotten worse and worse internally. As a kid, there were several rituals and responses I would perform as a means of mentally "relieving stress." For example, if there was anything that accidentally touched the left side of my body, I would feel the urge and the need to touch the same thing with the right side of my body to keep that balance. I would also always put on my left sock first, my left contact lens first, and shoes and other things out of fear that if I didn't something bad would happen. I would constantly seek correlation with meaningless things that I did and whether or not something bad was going to happen to me or those around me. Although I don't remember this OCD as something that was ruining my life at the time, it certainly did affect me and I had 2 nervous breakdowns because of it, as I recall. A few years ago, it started to get much worse-to the point where it would affect my daily life. As far as I can remember, there was a whole year in 2016/2017 where I had mentally convinced myself that I was racist. There was a lot of social unrest at the time, and my mind was repeatedly telling me that I'm racist or that I'm a bigot for being white--while I had never felt that I was racist before. I would have racist thoughts in my head and would feel the need to mentally combat them to prove to myself that I wasn't racist. For the extent of that year, I would refuse to look at or talk to any black people out of fear that I would somehow act out on these racist thoughts that I didn't agree with. It was torture. After a while, I'm not sure how, but these thoughts subsided and I now realize how absurd it all was. Needless to say, I interact with black people and people of color every day at work and haven't had any thoughts that match up with what I was previously experiencing for a while. My next batch of OCD began in August of 2019. It all started when I was in an Uber in and we were talking and the guy was talking about girls and I believe he said something along the lines of "are you sure you're not gay, it's ok if you are." I could tell he was messing with me but for the entire rest of the day I was thinking to myself "do I look gay? Am I acting gay? Do i sit gay? Are my mannerisms gay?" Which quickly became "has my whole life been a lie? Do I actually like men? Am I turned on by that guy over there?" I would repeatedly check myself to make sure that I wasn't turned on by people of the same sex. Like constantly. This went on basically every day. Like clockwork these torturing thoughts and I would feel the need to prove to them that I was somehow not gay. My whole life I've been attracted to women, as far as I can remember. I've only ever had sex with women. I had only ever watched female porn. I now have a girlfriend that I've been with for two years. None of these things were enough to prove to the thoughts that I wasn't in denial. "What if you are in denial about your sexuality? You'll never really know if you are gay." It got so bad that at one point I was looking at gay porn, something I'd never done in my life, just to make sure that I wasn't turned on by these things. I never was turned on by them but I still couldn't prove to myself that I wasn't. I live in a constant fear that people will think I am gay. I'm now convinced that my mom thinks I am secretly gay. Or wants me to be. So much so that I now go out of my way to not interact with any gay people, talk about gay people or even say the word gay. For a while I was trying somehow to convince myself that I was gay--because I thought that would be better than to live in this fear and constant turmoil. These thoughts have completely eaten up my internal life. I recall thinking that if only I knew whether I was gay or straight. I wouldn't care if I was either one. But my mind just would not let me rest about it or settle on either one. It's a constant turmoil. And I can't comprehend why. I would be happy if I was actually gay and no longer had to constantly question my inner sexuality. But I simply cannot do that. Recently, I was googling about doubting your own sexuality and I found an article about HOCD-Homosexual OCD. It described my situation perfectly, people who are straight or have been straight their entire lives suddenly fearing and having constant doubt about their sexuality. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm constantly exhausted. I want to get better and I've read up on NOCD and I feel that this is a good place to start to get better.

TW Real event ocd Adults only 18+ Weird topic I’ve been in bed all day. I feel so extremely guilty because of something I remember from my past. I don’t remember how long ago it was but this is totally embarrassing to talk about but I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who maybe has struggled with this. And now that I have pocd it’s so terrifying because I keep thinking “what if” I’m a horrible monster because of it. I used to have a tickling fetish as a teenager. I really meant no harm at all it was just something I struggled with. Well one time I tickled my niece just being silly and she was getting mad and I just kept doing it. I remember I wouldn’t stop and now I feel like I’ve violated her in some way and I really don’t think I meant to. I feel sick and icky about it and I had things to do today but I’ve been in bed all day just avoiding even living because my mind keeps telling me I’m a horrible monster because of what I did. I love my niece so much and would never harm her in any way. I don’t know what to do I feel so much guilt from this. I have no one to talk to about it. If anyone could possibly help me I would appreciate it 💔

I'm just sharing some of my thoughts, I don't intend to commit suicide or anything like that, so if you read this don't be alarmed. I'm sorry if some things aren't comprehensible If I killed myself, I'd be killing my own little world, not theirs. The world itself would keep spinning as if nothing had happened, so it's okay. I wouldn't be doing any harm. I'd be doing a favor to the world, except to my mother. She doesn't deserve it. But still, others would continue living, and my loved ones would eventually move on. Knowing that even in death, someone out there, maybe similar to me, will keep living heartens me. A bit of me would continue to exist in small pieces. After all, our "souls" are made of the same fabrics, only the shape is different. We share the same first-person view of the world. We are all aware of being alive. I wish I could explain it better. It's like if each of us were all together, a single "entity". We are all the same. We share the same living entity. We are only diversified by time and space. So even if I died, someone could easily replace me.  Death means ceasing to exist. It's like the dark space inside a closed wardrobe. Once closed, it can't be seen by anybody.

Real arousal with hocd is this a thing cuz I get it

Officially lost myself don’t know where to go from here ….. somebody help me pls…When you so highly believe you are running away and avoiding it how are you not supposed to pay attention to it cause that feels like my truth and people say stand by it and what if i agree to it accept it will i be okay is that what was needed all this while will all of what I thought was a lie now become true cause i am out in the open and what if i do and i am okay with it and realise this is it!!??! What if fear is not giving me the chance and because i feel like thats my truth is it?!? Because then other people will think of running away from it and i am thinking this does that mean that it is true i write this with no anxiety what does that mean?!? Everything written feels so strong to deny what do i do?!? Never felt this tough about something and does that say something that what i fear is true and that is who i was beating people change and their preferences what do i do?!? just me thinking the possibility of all the above could be a proof of it?!! Just thinking says a lot and thinking i will be okay and now i think all this cause i am not in the environment says a lot doesnt it?!? What is true and whats not idk what to believe i have lost myself….if the uncertainty kills me so much do i want what i am uncertain of?!?if it feels like my truth and just me being and denial and thinking of all of this how does anything one says will affect me or reassure me considering i an not even anxious while writing this do i believe in this cause thats just another point saying i do…. The question am i even straight what do i even answer it?!?

I’m having a huge ocd episode rn because I fell asleep and woke up feeling very tired but because I felt ‘off’ my ocd didn’t like that and is going absolutely crazy rn. I think it’s also from eating too much sugar but I keep getting thoughts like “this is going to happen” “it will happen” right before I fall asleep it’s scaring the crap out of me. I wake up and I feel like I’m gonna have a huge panic attack. And my ocd is like “you’re gonna go crazy” Can anyone plz help? :(

What’s a phrase or anything in general that helped you when your harm OCD or OCD in general was giving you a hard time? Something that motivates you to know that we will overcome this!

Anyone here struggling with transgender OCD? My OCD decided that this is my main OCD thought now... I was struggling with it in the past as well as with SOOCD but also with internalised misogyny and homophobia. So it was a little bit complicated to find out what I am. But I am not trans and I am a lesbian. My tocd constantly tries to tell me that I am trans... I don’t have dysphoria, I don’t want to be the other sex, I don’t want to transition, I like being who I am, I don’t feel uncomfortable in my skin. It was not always like that and that’s what my ocd uses. It reminded me that in the past I didn’t felt like that that must mean deep down I am trans. I constantly think if I want to be a woman whenever I walk past a mirror so I avoid them now. I can’t even look at trans people (online) because it got so bad and I question it for hours!!The worst thing is that my tocd tries to tell me I want top surgery but I don’t want it. I am extremely scared that it will make me do this surgery... I have already written letters to people close to me that if I am going to do the surgery they should stop me. I think I am going insane. I don’t want that surgery. I like my body. I like being female. I got rid of that ocd but it came back... It constantly wants to push me to do a surgery I don’t want. Has anyone else this? And has anyone a tip how to get rid of it. At least the surgery part because this gives me huge anxiety.

i don't have insurance and cant get any and cant afford therapy. any advice on books and resources to like diy therapy?

Trying to feel better after being broken up with is so hard. I feel so sad. I can’t even eat

I am afraid of losing my salvation. I have improved from the fear of the unpardonable sin. Which is a huge blessing! But now i am constantly plagued by feelings and thoughts telling me if i do anything I will disown Jesus and lose all three parts of a God and that I have to go through the process of getting saved again. All ghese different doctrines are not helping. Some people say you can lose your salvation others say you definitely cannot. It is terrible.

Pls if even one person could reply i am suffering I know this is a long post but i need helppppp!!! Plssss !!!!!!Certain things that make you think more about it is that a thing?? Cause like I don’t understand if thats ocd like certain looks or certain things about the same sex i would notice more which is crazy why would i even in the first place… and even when i go out i get these thoughts but because i am so numb and tired I don’t pay attention but then it feels like its real and cause i am scared and can’t do anything about it thats why i don’t pay attention to the thoughts as well and they are true are they?!? And i just think they are not cause I can’t indulge in them? Cause then why would i think of it and be okay and then it feels like because i fee okay i force myself to think anxiously about it cause i am scared of the truth and that seems easier which in turn just proves the former right doesn’t it?!? The people who know what they are don’t question it and if we question it and have doubts somewhere does that mean its true considering they also feel so true??like i see a snap story of a girl and think of her to be hot or pretty and indulge in something why would i think that and why would i be calm were the thoughts fake because they say if there are any kind of desires which I don’t know if they are fake or not but just asking this question could say that they might not be and feeling that one second of that you want it and that being so real that nothing after that seems to conquer the thoughts cause why would i want to indulge or even think i could find that hot even if finding hot is fine why the dreams why the feeling like i want it and i will be okay with it would feel so real when its not and that feels fake?!? Like all this questioning feels like i do it just for the sake of it and even if the fake or real whatever fantasies it is how do i tell myself they are not true what if they are because honestly i feel if i am put in that position I might do it and even be okay with it just saying that proves something right or am i saying it just because of ocd ?!? Or is true plss help me !!!! Am i even straight ????or all this is true because when i tell myself the former it feels fake when earlier i knew inside me it isn’t but now its transitioned to feeling like everything during that time was also true and my anxiety was fake… what do i do …

I’m crying so much right now. Thoughts about being stuck with OCD forever. My intrusive thoughts aren’t even causing anxiety, they just make me cry. I can’t seem to recognize if I’m doing compulsions. I feel like I’m doing ERP wrong. My OCD tells me I don’t deserve to be happy or to be surrounded by people I care about. I really want this to be over but I don’t see an end in sight. Please God just make this pain go away. I’m so tired. Sorry for such a depressing post on the holidays but I’m just feeling so alone and I feel so lost.

Okay so I’m trying to accept it but it’s just making me feel depressed. I don’t want it. I want to be happy with my girlfriend again. She was the most important thing in my life and then the OCD hit back like it did when I was a child. And brought up all these insecurities that I had made piece with or hadn’t even realised I had. Now there feels like there’s a glass screen between me and her when she talks about our future I feel like a fraud. I hate ocd. Even if I have been in denial my whole life (which I didn’t think I was) I was happy and content and confident in myself. Now it’s all gone, and it feels like I have no choice but to just tell the ocd it was right all along and live that life because that’s what it feels like I want. But I don’t know what’s me and what’s ocd anymore (even saying that sounds like a lie).

did the pandemic make your ocd worse? how so? talk to me about it

Gender identity ocd is so triggered today, I just need someone to talk to, feel so alone and hopeless ://

Alright guys i know I’ve been going on about hair a lot here. I just notice all the small things and like i said earlier i don’t want to buy human hair because i feel like it’s inhumane. So i bought synthetic hair thinking it was only synthetic. This may sound a bit confusing but when I was shopping I found human hair wigs that were cheaper than synthetic wigs which doesn’t sound right because human hair wigs are typically sold for higher prices (since they are more versatile) and that made me think that maybe my synthetic wigs weren’t truly synthetic as well. I did some more research and I found that most of these wigs might be just masquerading as human hair wigs but are just a blend with usually synthetic hairs and human hairs. But I wouldn’t be able to be sure of that and I wouldn’t be able to be sure that my synthetic wigs are truly synthetic. So now I’m thinking to myself maybe I should just not buy any of these wigs at all because even though they’re fun to wear it’s not a necessity, it’s just something fun that I like to do sometimes. I previously liked wearing them until I found out that they might be coming from humans which could be coming from people in concentration camps like the groups in China that are being forced to sell their hair there. Before I found this out I had purchased a hair that I thought was synthetic from a YouTube reviewer who also was refraining from buying human hair wigs and said that the wig was synthetic but really how could she know? how could/ can anybody know? I don’t know if I should just play it safe and not buy any of the wigs on the off chance its being taken from the people unjustly suffering in those camps, or if this is me doing OCD stuff and spiraling and I should just practice uncertainty and continue buying wigs that are being marketed as synthetic. As a fellow Muslim it just makes me feel totally disgusting at the idea that I might be using human wigs that come from these people that are in concentration camps because they align with my religion of Islam. What should i do?

It’s hurts so much. It won’t go away no matter what I do or what anyone tells me. I’m a failure and my mind keeps telling me I’m a monster who needs to be punished over a mistake I made maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I do know I had no bad intentions back then and I certainly don’t now. I was so stupid. I should of known better but it didn’t even cross my mind! How could I have been so dumb! I’ve talked to my mom and my first therapist about it but it just stays there in my head haunting me in every way it can and honestly I can’t take it anymore. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m exhausted and I just want it to go away. It really really hurts. How could I have been so stupid back then!? Why?! I’m at the end of my rope I can’t take much more 💔

This is kind of hard to talk about online but I have really been struggling in my sex life because I keep on getting intrusive thoughts and/or images in my mind. It just keeps getting worse and I just want it to stop. Can anyone relate?