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i'm so sick of how ocd controls my life. when i look in the mirror, i hardly even see myself anymore. i see a product of everything my thoughts have turned me into. i try so hard to stay afloat, but the harder i fight the more i sink. i'm so tired. i miss myself and i don't even know who she was. to miss someone else is easy, you know you could see them again. when you miss yourself it's as if you are permanently blind, and trying to find yourself amidst every obstacle you could think of. every single thing i find a monster to be, i feel in myself every time i wake up. it is unbearable. if someone told me reaching in my chest and clawing my heart out might erase the thoughts, and take this unbearable weight out of my chest, i might. you have taken everything. and the worst part is, i doubt i even have you. i fear i am this. this monster. the person i'm terrified of becoming the most. i look in the mirror and i see you. i fight to see me, behind my eyes, every day. one day i will.

For the longest time I let go of my past mistakes and it didn’t bother me for a while and then all of a sudden it’s like my mind won’t shut up about it and I feel an intense amount of guilt again . Talked to my mom about it a long time ago and also my first therapist (haven’t talked to my current one about it yet) and I asked my mom today if anything that I brought up about my past that I should worry about and she pretty much gave me a lecture that I need to let it go and stop obsessing over it which is easier said than done when you have ocd but hey I can’t expect her to completely understand. I just don’t understand why one day I don’t think about it one bit and then the next I’m having a panic attack and can’t forgive myself because of my past. It’s so frustrating. Any advice? Anyone gone through Real Event Ocd and gotten through it?

can someone comment examples of gaslighting???

I’m in a crappy mood bc my OCD was bad today and my boyfriend tells me that I’ve stressed him out bc I’m stressed. He got upset with me because I’m so tired and just want to lay down. Now I feel like I’m at fault and I never want to feel the need to apologize for my OCD. But now I feel crazy and such a downer.

Does anyone else feel like although they are diagnosed with OCD they feel like they don’t have OCD. Like when they hear others talking about their ocd symptoms they feel like theirs don’t fit the category? Also the word ego dystonic triggers me because sometimes my ocd makes me feel like my harm thoughts are not ego dystonic to my nature and it makes me feel sick. Also my harm ocd makes me Feel like i want the thoughts and sometimes it can feel very real! Also sometimes when the anxiety is as prominent with the thoughts I get worried because I feel like that might be confirmation that I like them. Does anyone else feel this way?

Quick question... does anyone know if ERP can help with fear of dying or someone close to you dying? The thoughts consume me from the time I wake up until I sleep. I've always considered myself a woman of faith. Then I think to myself "If My Faith Was Strong, I Wouldn't Even Worry"... and then I start thinking that God is disappointed with me. I've had extreme panic attacks since I was young. It's controlled by rescue med. I've been on antidepressants. I know when I'm on the right one, the need for rescue med decreases. Am I alone in this fear? Does ERP help?

Ughh. What a day! I've had anxiety all day. Not kidding. I've tried not to figure out why. Just let it be and feel the anxiety. what the hell. So frustrating when it decides to park in my brain all day. Just venting. On one hand I wouldn't wish it upon anybody but at the same time I hope I'm not alone

I was just at Chick-fil-A and the guy that took my order in the drive though looked much younger and I kept getting thoughts that he was cute and attractive and I feel really bad about it and sick. Please don’t be true. Please 💔

i keep bringing up feeling derealized to my therapist and he never expands on it no matter how much i bring it up. it’s really affecting me and he keeps doing it

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for all the amazing OCD activists and therapists who directed me to this app, thank you to all the wonderful kind souls who took time out of their days to reply to me and help me through what used to be a mess. I feel so free, and while I do have wobbly moments, I have such a better understanding of this now, largely thanks to you guys, and I'm able to finally live again. Thank you so much. If anyone has any questions on how I managed to get to a better place, please let me know. I'm still not perfect but I'm in a place where I can move on with my day again. Thanks everyone :)

Yesterday, I did some work on a workbook I purchased. Its specifically geared towards people with OCD and deals with self compassion. This is a very difficult subject. Compassion and empathy for others comes very naturally to me. But compassion, kindness, and empathy towards myself? Not so much. I would never dream of saying the horrible things I saw to myself to anyone else. Going through this workbook has been great, but its also been pretty painful. Lately, I've also been thinking about just how much OCD has stolen from me. Its really not surprising considering I lived with it undiagnosed for 37 years. But it still makes me sad and angry. I want to reach recovery so bad, but sometimes I think I will never get there. But I won't stop fighting until I do or die trying. Can anyone else relate?

Bah! Starting off the first day of the regular curricula by not going to bed till after 5:30am! I don’t even know if I got (really) stuck on those lessons plans. I didn’t even get to prep all the materials I was supposed to. I have just as much lesson planning I’ll need to do tonight. I still have to enter tons of data. I still have more trainings past due. And that’s not even the end of my work tasks. Plus there’s new “solos” I need to learn for band, posters and posts to be made, general life stuff like showering once in a blue moon…. I’m just so mad for not sleeping. I told myself I wouldn’t do this and only a week or so in and poof. 🤦🏼‍♀️😭

I saw this dude shirtless in a show and I wanted to see his physique so I looked and now it’s making me worry that I was checking him out and that I’m attracted when I don’t ever wanna be... 😭😭😭

How can I accept uncertainty about a real event that my ocd is latching onto (past mistake)? How can I do erp for it and does anyone have any tips that could possibly help me out? It’s about a mistake I made a long time ago, I think a few years ago, that is haunting me and I feel like it’s so bad that no one could possibly understand and there’s no way I could get better. If anyone has overcome this, do you have any advice that I could use to possibly heal from this or maybe learn something from it? I would truly appreciate it

I'm tired. I'm just so mentally exhausted from the repetitive torture my brain puts me through. A week ago I felt so happy and I felt like a good mom. Now I'm terrified and can't feel any happiness or enjoyment in anything because I feel like I'll end up snapping and hurting or even worse killing my child and I will lose my entire life in a second. I know my thoughts are just thoughts and I know that the only reason I obsess over these things is because they are my biggest fears, but still knowing that, it bothers me to the point of having panic attacks and feeling nauseous. Take away the fear of losing my child, my whole family hating me and being sickened by me and going to prison for the rest of my life and the obsession fades away. I feel like I'm no longer afraid of the thoughts themselves but of actually doing something. I wish I could escape myself.

Hi everyone i have fucked up and would really appreciate some advice/help and i apologise in advance for the essay im about to write! A couple of months ago ive met this guy... I feel like he is my person and ive never met anyone that i have felt certain about wanting to spend the rest of my life with <3 Last night i went on a night out (i dont often) and really messed up 😭😭 I went out with 2 friends 1 girl 1 boy. I hate myself for it and i know it is wrong but me and my lad friend ended up kissing. It wasnt that we were attracted to eachother and wanted to kiss eachother it was more of a "lets see how eachother kiss" and after too much drinks it seemed like a fun harmless idea as it meant nothing, then. Afterwards (i cant remember properly) he went to me "thats made me hard, do you want to feel" i cant remember if i said yes, i didnt actually want to touch it i was just intrigued that had happened and hed had that reaction. Anyway, he grabbed my hand and put it on him. I am so ashamed When i woke up this morning i couldnt deal with the fact that i had kissed someone else even if it was just for a bit of fun and ignoring everybodys advice i told the truth to my boyfriend. He took it very badly which is understandable but wants to work things out. Now i am obsessing because i havent told him about the hand thing and i havent been fully truthful and i am thinking how are we going to work when i am keeping a secret like that?? He has said it was only a kiss i wouldnt be here still if it was anything more and that was what has triggered this off. I also have this vague memory of grabbing his dick but it doesnt feel like a normal memory but it seems real and i dont know if thats a true memory or not? 😩 I asked my friend and he said nothing like that had happened and i shouldnt worry. I cant cope i feel so so guilty and awful like i cant describe about the kiss and how i could do that whilst with someone I truly love, i cant bare that I havent told him about my friend putting my hand there and feel like its a matter of life or death telling him or not telling him but i know if i do then it will end everything, and i also feel fucking awful with these thoughts of 'What if i grabbed it or not? " and what else have i done that i dont remember? I am fully aware i did wrong and i hate myself, i really cant bare myself or what i did right now. 😭😭

So I have been working with exposure therapy for the past couple days and I think it's going good. But I have a question for those that suffer from relationship OCD. Now the thought "I don't love him" isn't about my husband... I'm gonna feel terrible for saying this but it's about my own son. He's my only baby and he's 7. I know deep down I love him more than anything but small things trigger me and makes me think I don't. Like tonight I'm forgetting some good memories and some things I feel like good mothers would never forget. Is this common? I'm freaking out here.

Absolutely no attraction to women at all, it feels like Im forcing it when I see them. Theres just no desire or feelings, it causes me to feel weak in my limbs and gives me this weird feeling in my chest. Ughhh, I know dreams dont mean much but I had this dream last night where I got attached to this girl but I was feeling more attracted to men and chose to leave her. It makes feel so shit.

So, here I am again. I made it through the night. Not sure how, but I did. Woke up more often than I usually have been. Once, for a potty break. The other times just because. Because I heard a noise? Because I thought I heard a noise? My mind just won't let the anxiety in my stomach rest, or is it the opposite? I'm not sure. I don't have a therapist here, and I don't mean to bend y'alls ears, just kinda don't like the feeling this anxiety has been giving me. To feel like I'm going to die drains the blood from my face. And feeling the warmth of the blood leave my face feels wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just not ready to die right now. Of course, I don't have the say as to when that will be. I feel ashamed because I have been talking about me, me, me, and I need to be thinking about my husband. Covid played a dirty trick on him, or maybe getting the covid will actually save his life. Starting with the two blood clots in the lower part of his lungs. Then hearing about the restriction of blood flow around his heart. Now, they did say restriction not obstruction,so I'm hoping that's a good sign. And the fact that when they called, they didn't direct him to the nearest hospital,"do not pass go, do not collect $100,"might also be a fairly good sign. I'm not sure if you want to hear this, but as I'm typing, I am also sobbing. Good thing this is not paper because no one would be able to read it. Who am I kidding, maybe noone wants to read it anyway. Wait, what's my moniker on this site? God is in Control? I better shape up.

Self harm ocd trigger! How to differentiate intrusive ocd suicidal thoights and real suicidal thoughts? I often am scared that my suicidal thoughts are real and i am scared as hell then. Woke up with intense anxiety this morning. How to make a difference between them? Thanks for you support! :)