- Date posted
- 44w ago
I’m struggling with Taboo OCD themes today
Send any support you can for dealing with this. It is very difficult.
Send any support you can for dealing with this. It is very difficult.
You got this! Give yourself grace and know that God is leading you through this. He knows what you are dealing with and has given you strength and authority over it. He is with you and helping you overcome it. You are not alone. I literally just posted about feeling lonely about dealing with scrupulosity. I was struggling this past week but seeing your post reminds me that I'm not alone in this
No matter how real anything feels remember it is your brain trying to fix something that isn’t there
Yep. You can expect this. This is how OCD works. When the taboo themes come, just tell yourself it is just “par for the course”. This is bound to happen to everyone at some point. Just tell yourself, “Yep, here comes the taboo themes just like I expected.” And then don’t worry about it!
Just know that ocd always shifts to your lowest denominator. For me, that’s everything that is taboo as well. Once I remind myself that ocd wants me to obsess about the most vile things my brain can possibly imagine, I’m able separate myself from the disorder. The thoughts arise in our brain, but we are not our thoughts.
My OCD wants to keep switching “themes” on me, but once again it always concerns my mom or family. This time it’s sexual-related. The one I experience the most is the harm-related thoughts towards her, thinking I want to hurt her or thinking she abused me in the past (she did not) so that’s why I have these thoughts. My mind is always trying to see if there are deeper meanings to these thoughts and how I really feel. Yesterday my thoughts started going towards - “what if I’m attracted to my mom?” I was reading a book and it was a romantic scene and an image of my mom popped into my head. I tried to just dismiss it since I know we can’t control what comes into our heads, but I of course ruminated about it more and it has become a full-blown obsession. I have started wondering if I really am attracted to her or not, do I want to be in a relationship with her, am I just denying my feelings, etc. It sounds so disgusting and disturbing to share these things, but it’s difficult to disengage with this kind of thinking. Like it’s too disturbing to just let it go. Which leads to other worries like what if I can never be in a real relationship because I will just keep having these thoughts, what if this is true and how will I live with myself, what if my mom sexually abused me as a kid and that’s why I’m having these thoughts, etc. I know I’m going down the rabbit hole, but I just keep coming up with more and more “reasons.” Trying to go about my day and not pay them any attention, but it has been difficult to focus on anything else. Which then makes me wonder if I’m actually just fantasizing now and not actually obsessing.
I have come so far in my therapy and days like today feel like I’m just still buried in OCD. Sometimes it is so insidious and I don’t realize I’m in a loop. Once I do realize it, it’s hard to get out. I thought sharing here may help, as I never have, but I know you guys will understand. It’s so hard to decipher between regular anxiety and obsessions and compulsions. It has all just become one big ball of panic. Anyway, I’m just struggling today - so thanks for listening.
Tonight is one of the hardest nights I’ve ever had with harm ocd. It’s really one of those nights I’m doubting it’s ocd. I’m having panic attack after panic attack and it’s been the past couple of days where it’s been its highest. I’m doing everything I can to cope, like a hot shower (in the middle of a panic attack, hardest thing ever) skin care, turning my diffuser on and skincare. I took a klonopin but it hasn’t kicked in yet. My brain is beating me up with thoughts like “who thinks like this, you’re a serial killer! A murderer! You should be locked up!” Watching my family around me have peace and be normal is so hard because I’m here struggling to just lay down and relax. Part of me feels like I’m gonna lose my mind and end up in the hospital tonight. I just need positive reinforcement and people who can relate. Are you guys there?
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