issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: Yesterday

It feels more real than ever right now :(

I know I am going a bit cuckoo because my period is coming up, but lately it feels like every intrusive thought I have, I *like* it. Like I genuinely feel like I like it, and then I immediately panic because I start checking. Mentally, emotionally, whatever it is. And I know that is a compulsion. I *know* that. But it feels so real that I cannot stop myself. Every single time I check, it still feels like I like the thought, and it is driving me absolutely insane. It is especially the POCD thoughts. They feel so real. I feel like something is going on mentally, like some kind of confusion or glitch, because I swear I was not like this before. I would have intrusive thoughts, and they would feel real, but not *this* real. And I do not even know if this is normal. I know OCD is **supposed** to feel convincing. That is the whole thing. But I have never experienced it to this extreme. I have never gotten the same thought so many times and still felt like, “Oh my God, I did enjoy it,” even after checking a million times. It is like no matter how many times I check, it feels like I liked it. Especially during intimacy :( and it is making me lose it. Then I start thinking, “Well, I am in distress, so maybe that is proof it is not actually me.” But right after, I am like, “What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?” And then I spiral again, wondering if maybe I just care about how I am seen rather than who I am. I am panicking so much no today. I had to take my Xanax today for the first time in two months, and I needed three separate doses. I really need some support right now.

mauricethewo...

Date posted: Yesterday

You just described my core fear to a T in that second to last paragraph. I wish I had the answers you (we) seek. Maybe knowing you aren’t alone is some small comfort. On days when I allow myself to broach the possibility that “maybe I really do feel this way” it seems to lose a lot of power but my mind keeps telling me I need to rationalize it all and keep fighting it or it will turn from thoughts to actions even though it never has in the past.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@mauricethewombat It is a comfort to know I’m not the only one going through this. Thank you for sharing this with me 🤍

OhWell

Date posted: Yesterday

"What if I am only panicking because I care about what society thinks and not because I actually have morals?" Exactly what I've been going through. I sometimes fear that perhaps I'm only afraid of people finding out or having law enforcement involved and not because the thoughts themselves go against everything I originally believed in. Especially lately, it's been difficult for me to differentiate fantasizing from intrusive thoughts.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@OhWell I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I fully understand the whole not being able to differentiate. When our OCD is bad I feel like the thoughts get longer and more detailed because we can’t really detached ourselves from this disorder as easily. Does your OCD have a name? It helps a tiny bit.

nae nae

Date posted: Yesterday

You always articulate things perfectly! It's easy to spiral into thinking I'm an exception, and it's not actually OCD, but then when I read posts like this, I feel such relief. Not that I'm happy others are struggling, but you know what I mean! I've panicked before because I've had thoughts that are like, "If this wasn't considered wrong in today's society, would I...?" And it's like... Ugh. I hate this theme so, so much. Any moral related theme is hell on earth to live with! I'm really sorry it's been feeling so real for you lately. Those pre-period and post-period intrusive thoughts go crazy 😭🤍

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@nae nae Thank you 🩵, and girl yes it’s so hard. Morality is what my OCD focuses on the most. Everything branches out from there and it feels like I’m constantly canceling myself in my head. The extremist sjw in my head judges even the smallest of things. Thank you for sharing this with me, it’s also a relief to know it’s not just me with these thoughts. Thank you x100 for continuing to be here for me Nae Nae 🩵

nae nae

Date posted: 17h ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Ugh, girl same. And when you manage to tackle one thought or obsession, another springs up 🥲 Also, of course! It's the least I can do after all the support you've given me!

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

this is exactly what I’ve been going through recently! My intrusive thoughts went a way for a good minute & due to stress & anxiety lately it’s gotten really bad again & this was my EXACT THOUGHT & on the same subject & it’s scaring the mess out of me too! You aren’t alone but it definitely is so scary dude. I isolate so bad because of it & don’t even want to be around family

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@Anonymous I’m so sorry, my OCD calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY and now it’s horrible just like you described. I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this too :(

💕E💕

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you so much for saying this! This is something I’ve been struggling with for over 2 years and I only recently learned what POCD is and so I’m still in this stage of limbo while I wait to see a therapist of “what if I’m actually just a pedo and now I’m trying to excuse it” and it’s been so hard trying to navigate that and seeing this post made me feel not so alone especially because I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life. I hope it gets better for you!🥰

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@💕E💕 I hope it gets better for you too! You’re not alone at all, that whole *am I in denial phase* is so scary. You’ll get through this 🤍

robert4

Date posted: Yesterday

I get thoughts like this as well, “you like feeling this way” then I’m like “wait what….F off”

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 21h ago

@robert4 For me, it’s more of the sensation that I like it than the thought “I like this” or “you like this” but I’ve definitely gotten those before too. I also tell it to F off lol

Kay_buni

Date posted: 24w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

nae nae

Date posted: 15w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 12w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

It feels more real than ever right now :(

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community