Struggling

How do y’all keep going? Especially when there’s work to do

Hi everyone, it’s hard for me to share this but I wanted to give it a shot. OCD onset got really bad when I turned 19 and it’s been a huge struggle ever since. Even being able to accept help from NOCD was hard at first, I wasn’t brought up in a family that ever took OCD or other mental disorders as valid reasons to struggle. I’m turning 21 next week. These past few years have so much emotional baggage from OCD and trauma exacerbated by OCD. Sometimes I feel like it’s really hard for me to even assess the severity of my triggers and obsessions because I’ve become so used to being under constant distress. I can’t help but to feel at times that getting this disorder under control seems close to impossible. I’ve basically dropped out of college after trying to keep my head above water (and failing) for my freshman and sophomore year. I’m unable to study or even keep a normal job right now. I believe that now more than ever the world is in need of community building and organizing and I feel so much guilt for not being able to participate in that either. I feel like everything I want to be doing with my life right now, especially socially, feels so out of reach because of this illness. It makes it even harder to feel joy about life in this position, which can’t be good for my depression. I hope that soon I’ll be able to track my progress on here. I know growth isn’t linear and everything comes with time…but damn. This shit is hard.

im just living day by day. i’ve stopped doing the things i used to like doing because i don’t want to ruin them. i dont want my favourite music, movies, shows and hobbies to be tainted with anxiety and my own thoughts. im a shell of who i used to be and if i had the choice i’d do nothing. at this point i’m living to cover up my emotions. its even harder because i’m not actually diagnosed since i dont think i could handle telling my parents about what’s wrong with me. i have a lot of the symptoms and i’ve had them since i was quite young (16 now) and it just hasn’t been getting better, im just better at hiding it now. i dont want to bother my boyfriend or parents with my issues so i have to deal with everything myself. i don’t find anything fun anymore and i want to die, i have nothing to live for and i quite simply want it to end. i always think it can’t get worse but i fall deeper into my sadness and me saying i’m alright to people is a lie. i feel so incredibly trapped i don’t know what to do with myself anymore.