Question(ing)

I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for a long time, and while most of them don’t affect me anymore, there are ones that really concern me and make me feel panic. They make me feel like I could actually act on the intrusive thought and I’m just holding myself back from it. It’s really scary and I don’t know who I am anymore.

Is it possible for intrusive thoughts to be disguised as real thoughts after a while. I can never tell what’s a conscious thought and whats a subconscious thought. Because they seem so similar it confuses me. That and the fact I’ve had OCD for a long time and I have so many subtypes I constantly am having thoughts circling in my head and I don’t really filter them anymore if that makes sense. I just notice thoughts and then they go in and out. Like I don’t check to see what’s intrusive or not. So it bothers me now because after doing that for so long I can’t separate them and know if it’s an actual thought from my own conscious something I truly want or if it intrusive? I know people say intrusive thoughts are thoughts that cause you panic and bother you, thoughts you know you wouldn’t act on. But that makes it difficult for me because part of OCD is making you doubt yourself so it goes hand in hand so I can never distinguish if I agree with my intrusive thoughts. Usually my intrusive thoughts don’t bother me until like weeks later when I actually think about the thought and obsess cause I’m like wtf why’d I think that. But most moments I just let my thoughts come and go and they don’t bother me. But then eventually some of them will later on. That’s what makes it hard for me to distinguish my own thoughts from intrusive thoughts because most of the thoughts that bother me later don’t bother me at first. Can those thoughts still be intrusive because I worried about them later on? And usually they are not something I would think on my own free will if that makes sense

I have a hard time understanding how intrusive thoughts are not your thoughts necessarily as in stuff you don’t agree with or stuff you don’t want to think. But my brain belongs to me. So if it’s a thought in my brain that belongs to me and I’m supposed to be in control of my brain then how does the thought not belong to me. Is there a portion of our brain that just throws out jambled together words that we’ve heard or things we’ve seen and made sentences with it and that’s what intrusive thoughts are? Things a part of our brain just conjures up subconsciously because we naturally retain everything and store it somewhere. Sorry if this sounds stupid can someone explain this