i’m panicking

i’m panicking because i remember when i was younger when i was 13 i found porn on instagram and i was scrolling and i was pleasuring myself and was always trying to make sure the videos that i was watching weren’t bad like someone being forced and i remember as i was scrolling while pleasuring myself i came across a video and it looked like a movie but the man was on top of the woman and she was crying but i don’t know if she was crying because of that im not sure but im pretty sure it was a movie or something and i still pleasured myself but not to that video but like just thinking about something else and the video just played in the backs it i had my eyes closed and i didnt watch it but it worried because what if i did watch it and pleasured myself while watching the video, i feel like im going to throw up i cant handle this, i wish i never got exposed to porn at such a young age

jemcu812

Date posted: 1y ago

How old are you now?

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y ago

@jemcu812 i’m 16 now

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm sorry that you feel so distressed right now! I'm sure it's taking a toll on you. My guess is that you're panicking because you're worried about what this means about YOU. You're likely trying to analyze what happened, replaying it in your head, and thinking about all of the tiny details in an attempt to either punish yourself or prove to yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. I think the first step here is to dial things back a bit. Remove all of the stories, all of the judgement, and all of the analyzing, and recognize the core thing that you're fixated on. The thing that the OCD is trying to avoid: You may or may not have pleasured yourself to something that is against your moral standards. That's it. No need for any additional details about what that means about YOU, whether or not you enjoyed it, if it was an accident, or if you want to do it again. All of that extra stuff flying around in your head is just the OCD. It's the brain trying to avoid the simple fact of what happened. It wants to avoid the uncertainties surrounding it and the implications of what it means about you. So just continue to repeat that fact to yourself: You may or may not have pleasured yourself to something that is against your moral standards. It probably creates a surge of anxiety in you to think about that, and that's okay. What does it feel like? Where does it arise in your body? Does your throat feel tight? Is there a pit in your stomach? Are there any areas of your body that you can relax right now? Perhaps you can unclench your jaw, allow your shoulders to drop, or deepen your breathing. You don't have to get rid of this anxiety. All you have to do is notice. There will be thoughts flying around in your head about whether or not you're a "bad" person, or whatever. Remember that those thoughts mean nothing. They are only the brain trying to make sense of something that you feel anxious about. Continue to focus on what is right here, right now. Watch the anxiety come, and watch it go, allowing it to take however long it takes. If the anxiety is too much, like a 10 out of 10, be kind to yourself and use some self-soothing techniques. Try putting your hand on your heart and feeling the warmth spread across your chest. Right here, right now, you are okay. As far the thing you're so worried about, just acknowledge that it happened, and continue to live your life up to your personal moral standards. I hope this helps.

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y ago

@djflorio thankyou for this but i really don’t know how i can let it go and if i did do the thing im so afraid of why would i of done it because afterwards i remember feeling terribly guilty but i don’t know if that was just my OCD overthinking or not but if it happened i can’t shake the feeling of if that means im a terrible person,i feel terrified

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Elicambel - I understand. This is what I'm referring to when I talk about trying to figure out what something MEANS. If it happened, then it doesn't mean anything other than that it happened. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that it happened and you wanted it to happen and enjoyed it. Well, clearly right now in the present, you don't want it to happen. So much so that you're terrified that it may have even happened in the first place. That proves that even IF this is something you intentionally did and enjoyed, you have changed. This notion that you are, at your core, a "terrible person," is an example of the black-and-white thinking that OCD feeds upon. I'm a firm believer that people can perform terrible actions, but people THEMSELVES aren't terrible. That's because everything in the universe, including ourselves, our bodies, our personalities, and our mind states, are constantly changing. We think that we perform actions based on some core, unchangeable self, but really we perform actions based on the countless conditions around us. How we were raised, the environment we grew up in, how other people treat us, our genetics, hormones...so many different things play into the choices we make. And all of those things change. The point of punishment and guilt is to show someone that they have done something anti-social so that they change their behavior. Once that it accomplished, if the punishment and/or guilt continues, that's basically just torture. Even IF what you did warrants some guilt or punishment (which based on how you describe it, it doesn't, in my opinion), you are now essentially just torturing yourself. If you aren't speaking to a therapist who practices ERP, I highly recommend seeking that out. At the end of the day this requires a change in perspective on your part, which you need to experience for yourself. You are worthy of love and compassion no matter what! I'm rooting for you.

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y ago

@djflorio thankyou so much for taking your time to write all this i geniality really appreciate it and it helped me a lot thankyou so much

Jelena

Date posted: 1y ago

Don't beat yourself up for that, you were literally a kid and I don't even think you made a mistake. I think you are probably very conscious of what you do. Being raised by the internet isn't easy. Be honest with yourself. Isn't that just OCD trying to come up with something to bother you and steal away your happiness?

Elicambel

Date posted: 1y ago

@Jelena thankyou for this, genuinely really helped :)

niknicole

Date posted: 24w ago

POCD

Okay, so I was exposed to porn at 9. My older cousin came over to the house and asked if I could keep a secret and stuff and then he showed me porn. I got addicted to it ngl. I would watch it whenever I could and would always think about it when I wasn’t home. Because of this, I started reading mangas on this one website and I was still in elementary school when I started reading these I think, either that or middle school. Anyways, there was this one about these kids who did it and I was like oh I’m the same age as them and all that you know so I didn’t think much of it. I would still read it up to when I was in high school but I wouldn’t like read it often, I would just read it because I was familiar with it and it felt like I was still their age for some reason, like I didn’t see them as kids you know, it felt like they were my age. Oh my god, that makes it sound even worse. When my POCD started, I stopped reading that story because I was it terrified me so a little before I turned 18. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I’m actually a pedophile or not. I don’t know if it’s because I was exposed to that stuff so early and my cousin would constantly talk about sex when he was with me. I thought it was so normal to be reading and looking at that stuff. I didn’t realize. I’m scared that my nephews are going to be exposed to that so early like I was. My POCD mostly targets my nephews and now I’m scared that I’ll do the same thing to them and show them that stuff (I never will) or that I genuinely do like that stuff. I feel like throwing up while writing this. I just don’t want to be one. I’m sorry if this triggers you or if this seems like I’m seeking reassurance and maybe I am. I genuinely don’t know right now. I think I just needed to get this off my chest because I’ve been worrying about it for awhile.

King silly

Date posted: 24w ago

Please help me (don’t read if you’re younger)

❌❌❌DO NOT READ IF YOURE YOUNGER ❌❌❌ —- — - I feel like a really bad person right now, I remember my past and I remember when I was 14, I sent actual inappro//priate pictures of myself to my partner and I regret it so much, i genuinely do, I thought it was okay because I was around adults that were inappropriate to me, and it was so normalized, I don’t know why, I feel like I’m gonna go to jail, this happened 2 years ago but I still feel afraid that I will be in jail for what I’ve done, I can’t stop worrying about this event and I just need help, please someone help, am I a bad person?

Holly117

Date posted: 10w ago

Girls that have struggled with porn

Sorry if this is a bit of an odd post, but I’m wondering if there are any girls out there that have specifically struggled with shame around watching porn? A lot of my real-event ocd stems from watching that kind of content in the past, and for some reason it feels particularly taboo as a woman. As a young teen, I saw some genuinely disturbing things, and I think a lot of that was to do with having unrestricted access to the internet. However, despite lots of people telling me “that’s normal teen curiosity” it just never feels like it applies to me, and that I’m genuinely just a sexual deviant. I think because that kind of content is so graphic and overstimulating it’s really stuck in my brain, and I just wish I could turn back the clock and switch off the computer. I’ve recently been struggling with doing typical ‘girly’ stuff because I feel tainted and gross, and I just want to get back to feeling myself again.

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i’m panicking

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