issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4d ago

(long post, I’m sorry) help please

I cannot tell if this is OCD assigning meaning where there is none, or if it is something else entirely. I have ADHD, and I tend to hyperfixate on people, specifically men I find interesting. It feels like a crush. Maybe it is a crush. I do not know. It does not matter. I daydream a lot. I have posted about this before, and the responses were helpful, but right now I am spiraling again. Lately, what I think is a dopamine-driven hyperfixation has latched onto my supervisor at work. I actively stop myself from ruminating too much about what it could mean. I remind myself they are just thoughts. I love my boyfriend and I am committed to him. But I have noticed that I sometimes *hope* something goes wrong with an order, just so I have a reason to talk to my supervisor, even if the interaction is only a few sentences. I do not even smile at him because I am so afraid of being disloyal or disrespectful to my boyfriend. The other day, my voice sounded nice, and I got scared that I did that on *purpose* because I was talking to my supervisor. I know how to make my voice sound smoother, and I worried that I subconsciously did it for him. I know people do that kind of thing to seem pleasant in general, but it feels wrong when it is tied to one specific person. There was another moment where I had to bend slightly, and I knew he was behind me, though I didn’t know he would walk in my direction. It turned into a kind of awkward traffic situation, and I started wondering if I *hoped* for that. I even caught myself thinking about whether he finds me attractive. I know that these thoughts might be in the normal range, but the fact that I think about him so much, daydreaming, hoping for interactions, mentally replaying things, feeling excitement, makes me feel incredibly guilty. Is that disrespectful to my boyfriend? I don’t think I’m flirting. But I feel like even hoping/looking for interactions or tweaking my voice counts as some kind of betrayal. I just don’t know. To me, it sounds like a mix of ADHD and OCD, It really does feel like chaos inside my head. I want to be honest with my boyfriend, but I know talking about this stuff makes his jealousy flare up, and understandably so I’m a jealous person myself. But if I don’t confess, it feels like I am hiding something and it feels *extra* disloyal. I know that daydreaming and a bit of excitement are normal, especially with ADHD and dopamine-seeking, but when I go out of my way for a few-sentence interaction, or crave eye contact, is that disloyal? I am not asking for reassurance. I genuinely want to understand if this is normal or if it crosses a line. I am scared that I am just making excuses for bad behavior. I am scared that this is not okay and I am doing it anyway. I wish I could ask my therapist about this, but I had to stop going recently. She always understood how my brain works, especially the difference between reassurance-seeking and genuinely wanting clarity. She was really good at helping me figure out whether something was common or explainable. It helped so much to just know if something was normal, even if knowing did not stop the rumination. That’s kind of what I am looking for now, just someone to tell me if this pattern makes sense or if it crosses a line. Please help :(

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

You're a normal human being. And this never goes away. That's why love and commitment is a choice. Even with all this, you chose your bf. And learn how to realize your creative mind is a gift. :-)

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4d ago

@Someone99 I appreciate your comment, I think I’m only now realizing how creative my brain can get. I thought everyone was like this lol

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 No, you're gifted. My brain doesn't stop. I'll be in the middle of a conversation while figuring something completely unrelated out in my mind. It never stops. So, healthy internal dialogue is very important. I always have a song in my head too, or a poem, or a new name for something... Ugh. Why can't I be normal? 🤣 But it also allows me to be very good at my career which involves diagnosis and creativity. Maybe I need a medical marijuana card? 🤭 Lol

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 And I've been on here for almost 2 years now and have always appreciated you and your posts, and am glad to support you in your healing any way I can. :-)

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4d ago

@Someone99 Me too omg to the double thinking and the looping song/word/phrase. My brain feels like its on button is stuck lol. Thank you so much for your kindness! I try my best to be helpful and even when I’m panicked, I’m so glad people see that they’re not alone. Thank you again :)

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Well, you're gifted, as so many here are. It's so sad what this OCD bully does to gifted and creative people here. Hope your day went well. :-)

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

I think your OCD is latching onto pretty normal things and creating a narrative around them that makes you out to be someone you fear you are. I change my voice to sound pleasant to people all the time! It’s a normal part of socializing with others especially in a work environment and it says nothing about you as a person. Also I have ADHD and get fixated on certain people and things too. I don’t think it’s automatic proof of a crush, but that’s the most obvious interpretation you make since you don’t want it to be that and your OCD just latches onto it. But we can focus on people a lot without having feelings for them, that’s part of being human. Regardless, just remember that you don’t owe your OCD an explanation. You don’t have to tell it why you do or don’t feel the way you do and why you are still a good person. Even if any explanation you give makes some of the doubts go away, OCD will just shift the focus to something else. It’s usually never about the situation itself- it’s usually just about the disorder trying to pull you back into the cycle of rumination to give you a false sense of control. There are so many thoughts, behaviors, and feelings we have that we might not fully understand, but OCD picks and chooses which ones to focus on. It picks the ones you are most fearful of and creates an elaborate storyline around them. Just keep living your life the way you normally do despite the thoughts you’re having. They don’t define reality, and I know you know that but it’s an important reminder. You aren’t alone in this!

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 2d ago

@andrewt_ Andrew, thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful reply and read my insanely long post. It means so much to me, I will keep everything you said in mind thank you for sharing your experience too. It helps me feel less alone and see the world a tiny bit better. Thank you :)

Mrcino 1408

Date posted: 4d ago

Hey, I get it You have symptoms of ocd clearly And do you in general love to be noticed even though you will never cheat but like little bit of attention? Because your trauma will guide you to be noticed by lot of people usually men Is it to be liked personally or as a worker or physicaly but some form of "i dont want them but i like to be liked by them" ?? Because if you are You should definitely stop Hoping for something going wrong so you can talk with him That act it brings guilt And ocd Attaches onto it and holds Hard onto it So work on bond with your boyfriend and think about the power of your LOVE towards your boyfriend Dont hope for these things then its on you I know you have ocd and adhd But 2 problems are here. Ocd and You hoping Work on that. Thats not you Thats your inner trauma seeks VALIDATION without your awareness

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4d ago

@Mrcino 1408 Mmm, I am not sure if maybe there was a misunderstanding about what I wrote, but when I said I was hoping something would go wrong, I meant like with **the order** I was working on, just so I had a reason to interact. Apart from that, I do not and would not seek out interactions at all. Sometimes I even ask my coworker to go tell him about an issue because I’m just terrified that because I “hoped,” the interaction is wrong. And even then, the ‘hoping’ part is not something I am choosing or encouraging. I already do not want to hope for that. It makes me feel guilty and anxious, and I try really hard to redirect those thoughts. If I could just flip a switch and stop that feeling, I would. So I do not really understand how that part is fully on me when it is happening without my control. That is the part that feels most frustrating. I am very well bonded with my boyfriend. I adore him and constantly show him love in every way I can. I do like attention, and I always thought that was a pretty normal and human thing. I would never cheat, and yes, I like feeling attractive. I thought that was also a fairly universal feeling. I am sure the way I grew up contributes to how I think about this. There is a big emphasis on appearances and on how you are perceived, especially by men. I want to be liked personally, professionally, and physically. I do not want to be seen as negative in any of those areas. I do seek validation. I am aware of that, and it shows up with everyone, not just men. I think it is more about how my brain works than any specific inner trauma. I know I have ADHD and OCD, and a lot of this feels like a messy mix of hyperfixation, guilt, and spiraling, not a desire to betray my partner. Just wanted to clarify that, because I am genuinely trying to understand myself and be responsible with my thoughts and actions. I also just want to love my boyfriend in peace.

Mrcino 1408

Date posted: 4d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 Sorry if i upset you, it wasn t my attention.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4d ago

@Mrcino 1408 I’m not upset, I just think there was a bit of a misunderstanding and I tried to explain better

tlousluvr

Date posted: 17w ago

advice 🧸

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

Jack03

Date posted: 10w ago

Is this OCD?

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

vizzy15

Date posted: 9w ago

So-ocd

Im a 21 year old female in a straight relationship with the best guy a girl could ever ask for. About 2 months ago, I went to get coffee with a friend and as I dropped her off, I got a “weird” vibe from her and the look she gave me which lead to the thought of “should I kiss her”….Ive never had a thought like that before and I never have ever wanted to kiss another girl. I have also never had a desire to be with another girl (sexually or romantically). Now though, I have had one other experience of being with a different friend going to get lunch and it felt weird. Ever since then I have been on google non stop with hundreds of different searches, questioning if im lying to myself of my boyfriend, wondering about my past relationships even though Ive only dated boys, been attracted to boys, crushed on boys, etc… boy crazy! Reading on other forums has been a big thing too or doing quizzes. I believe its SO-OCD but im so scared that what if its not. I am in therapy and actually had two weeks of not even thinking about it or googling it until yesterday. I dont know what to do.

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(long post, I’m sorry) help please

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