Please read, please respond.

please ignore the typos its hard to type right now. fir context me and my partner are both 21 and have been together for well over a year now. a situation happened with my partner and it felt bad, but i verbalized my discomfort with what happened and we set boundaries and over time i made sure to emphasize that boundary. its just to ask before anything sexual even just grabbing my breast or butt. He's gotten better at remembering or immediately stopping and asking if he forgot for a second which i appreciate and see as a progress of breaking a habit that i was okay with previously but wasn't anymore. the other night, he was sitting on the ground while I was standing and didn't have pants on and was on my phone for a moment and he licked a little bit right below my stomach and I moved him away and got upset because he forgot to ask before hand. He apologized and recognized right as i moved him away that he forgot to ask before and he made sure that i was aware that he recognizes that he is in the wrong and gave me space to talk with him but i felt really bad and scared about if what just happened was assault or not. he feels awful, and i have an ocd theme centered around the worry that he has SAed me and it was really getting to me. He encouraged me talk to a hot line for mental health, as well as open up to my mom about the situation since she's experienced SA and I trust her to be there for me and protect me. She said she also truly believes he had absolutely no ill intent and crossed a boundary on accident, and i agree, but i still feel so bad and feel the need to figure this out and what to do next. i don't know how to navigate this and what if that means that I can't move on from this and if that means I shouldnt be in this relationship anymore. I want to talk to a therapist about how to navigate this but I have no access to one and won't for months. this feels awful and so scary. i feel distant and different about my future with my partner and I dont know if I can get past this or if i should. I also was groomed when I was younger and I guess im also scared of being naive and too trusting of someone again. but the fact that my partner encouraged me to talk to other people about this shows me that he cares about me and my well being and that it truly was an accident. please someone read this and respond, I need help.

Username: potato-berrypotato-berry

Date posted: 4w ago

first off I want to say to that you are so strong for wanting to work through these thoughts and seeking help. OCD has a tendency to latch onto trauma (grooming when you were younger?) which is another layer to treat. it’s understandable that you’d feel this way given your past experiences. It’s possible that asking for consent for any touching at all could be a form as reassurance seeking. although, it’s 100% okay to want verbal consent before sexual acts. some people are very physically affectionate, and I can understand that this person could’ve accidentally done this. I’m glad they apologized and encouraged you to speak to others- I think that is a sign of moral character. Instead of thinking ‘what if’ you can’t move past it, perhaps think about the solutions.. you will never know if you will get past it or not if you do not try. ruminating about the possible outcomes might be a form of avoidance to the uncertainty and need for control… If you do decide to get help, EMDR helped me with sexual/relationship trauma and helped with the OCD obsessions relating to those experiences. The International OCD Foundation on Trauma and OCD https://www.youtube.com/live/DHLvyQ9Bq5Q?si=vFCrtexO9ig7NjXj you can get through this! 💗 take care

Username: stxrmadsstxrmads

Date posted: 4w ago

thank you. you're response being kind to me and towards my partner and what happened makes me feel better. I truly do want to get past this because I kmow I love him and before this, I could see myself with him forever and I just want to not feel so bad about this because I do think it was a genuine mistake and my mom agreeing does help. I think I keep needing that reassurance though. I am doing a free trial of therapy with better help to hopefully talk with a therapist for a little to see if I can get more clarity, and he is encouraging me to do so and wants me to be able to have access to the help I need. we've been through so much and im scared that I'm going to lose him simply because what if this was too much.

Username: Rosesarered98Rosesarered98

Date posted: 4w ago

This is something you'll definitely want to talk about with a qualified Individual, this website called rainn helps with sexual assault and they have a hotline you can use that will give you resources locally hopefully so you don't have to wait months to reach out to someone, I'm not saying it is or isn't sexual assault but the people on the hotline through chat or phone call at rainn have good resources and can walk you through what your feeling. https://rainn.org/. Nobody should touch you without your consent definitely tell your significant other that he needs to learn to respect your boundaries and it's not optional. if your well-being is important to him he will listen and choose to prioritize your needs.

Username: stxrmadsstxrmads

Date posted: 4w ago

he always respects me and always tells me when he asks about doing something even if he says pleasein a way to be sensual he always makes sure to remind me that i don't have to if I dont want to or am not comfortable to. he also made it clear he was remorseful and didnt intend to hurt me and genuinely ha d a forgetful moment and doesn't want it to happen again either. whike in talk with him .about this he still says sorry that this is even a situation we are dealing with and he is truly sorry. he encourages me to reach out for help as well and to talk to my mom which comforts me a little knowing he truly cares. I kmow he is doing everything to prioritize these boundaries and needs. I think my mind keeps demonizing his mistake though even though i am aware that it was an accident.

Username: Rosesarered98Rosesarered98

Date posted: 4w ago

@stxrmads I understand that's why I said I can't tell you if it is or isn't sexual assault, I would reach out to RAINN the link I sent above they can help you figure it out and give resources that can help, I send good wishes :)

Username: pureolifepureolife

Date posted: 4w ago

I hate how ocd can use our prior traumas against us. I also hate how people can sometimes minimize or misunderstand how sensitive we are. And I hate how ocd demands a black or white, right or wrong answer. I have a feeling that your partner needs to learn a lesson. Mainly that anything sexual can’t feel good or welcomed by you unless it’s explicitly Consented to and if not… well the answer is no. If that’s too much: this isn’t a fit. If this is a learning period (maybe an optimistic view that this would only apply for awhile?) and they can respect that this is permanent, i lean towards forgiveness. If they insist this isn’t sustainable, there’s a serious conversation to be had. If this is something YOU want to change, a supportive and flexible partner is necessary. If this person can be that: great! If not… There’s a lot going on here and there’s no one right answer. You’re also allowed to make mistakes.

Username: stxrmadsstxrmads

Date posted: 4w ago

he respects my boundaries and never insists that I change them.he understands why I set them, and he understands he messed up when he forgot to ask before this time. he also knows about my ocd and truly wants to help me and encourages me and always listens. i think I feel a need for other people to tell me I'm okay because I dont know what to do.

Username: stxrmads

Date posted: 23w ago

I need to talk about something

content warning: talks of explicit acts and fear of cheating or attraction to another person I had a dream yesterday about breaking up with my boyfriend and now I had a dream I cheated on him. They scared me but I've realized that they don't really mean anything. I only am freaking out again because while I was self pleasuring earlier, I was thinking of my partner and watching him until I had an intrusive thought someone I just saw in a tik tok and that got me there. im so scared because I didn't mean to let my mind slip and I really feel like I need to talk to my partner about this because i feel so guilty and I know something like this would hurt me if the situation was flipped so I don't know what to do. why did I like the thought so much to that point??? how do I convince myself I don't need to tell my partner even though the guilt is setting in and it feels so wrong? I feel ashamed and unfaithful and terrible I hate that this happened how I do know what to do what if it wasn't an intrusive thought and I enjoyed it even though I tried to change my thoughts?

Username: WannaBeANorm...

Date posted: 23w ago

It can't be OCD because of my mistakes with porn.

Huge trigger warning related to porn and pedophilia. Please don't read if it makes you uncomfortable. Thank you if you get to read this long post. Something awful happened recently. I was watching porn, I won't say what page because idk if it is allowed, but it is the most famous porn page there is, so you'd think you wouldn't find something so horrifying there. The problem is that one of the automatic pop ups that appeared really terrified me because the girl looked way too young. I'm not sure if she truly was underage, but she looked it, and I can't express how horrifying it is considering if she could have been. I feel like my mind is playing games with me. I can't tell if it was paranoia or reality. My memories are really fuzzy, as I was on a state of shock when I saw it. I remember feeling scared right away and trying to look up how to report it, but the page refreshed on it's own and I never saw the pop up again. I felt so gross for seeing that, and guilty for not reporting it. It was an accident, but I can't help but think that I enjoyed it and that it is my fault for watching porn at all. I am a monster. If this had happened to someone else I wouldn't question it so much, as I know that I didn't look at it on purpose and tried to do the right thing when I saw it. But I already hate myself because years back, when I was 16, I discovered loli. Which is really wrong drawings of young characters. And since then I've been obsessed with the topic and developed pocd. I never looked for those drawings again after that, I dont enjoy them. But I've accidentally found them again on the internet and it's made me feel disgusting and evil; but at least I had the certainty that it wasn't real, until now. I think that this is recent event is further proof of the monster that I already thought I was. After what happened, I immediately contacted a therapist, but tbh, I don't think that I'll ever move on from that. Life isn't looking good right now.

Username: pandaluvrbr

Date posted: 18w ago

Would you consider this as SA?(Not OCD related)

For context the age of consent where I am is 18. So I was on grindr me being (16) and was going to hookup with a guy who I thought was (21). Now I know this was an incredibly dumb and illegal decision as I have dealt with the consequences of it. I was feeling so low in my life and struggling with family matters and other people my age used drinking or smoking as an out although for me I hooked up with guys as my out. At this time my anxiety disorder and ocd were at an all time high and I had no therapy sessions to help keep me stable. I also dealt with my toxic family everyday more and more. So then I hooked up with him and after we were done and chilling in his car he asked “What if I told you I wasn’t 21” and of course I’m like what the fuck (he knew I was 16 and even hearted my message of me saying that) I ask him multiple times what he meant by that and to clarify on his real age and he quoted my Bio on Grindr which was “no older than 21” inferring that he knew and lied to me about his age because of my bio limit which is disgusting. He tells me he’ll tell me his real age on two conditions, the first being I give him $7 for gas and the second I meet with him again I said yes not meaning it just to get him to answer and gave him the $7. He then told me he was 27. I was like what the fuck? you lied to me and he played innocent sarcastically “what are you talking about” you told me you were 21 and not 27 and he said “haha typo” like what the fuck. Of course after I felt absolute shit and garbage because he manipulated me into sleeping with him when he was 27 and not 21 and also extorted me for money. I feel disgusted and used with myself. I reported this to the ER and got checked there and reported it to the police after although nothing has been done and it’s been 3 weeks. I just don’t know what to consider the situation as. What would you consider it as? This caused me to go into a three day depression in which I could barely function. If I had known he was 27 I would not have slept with him or consented.

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