please help

In regards to ERP (you mentioned in another comment that it isn't available to you), just FYI this website/app offers therapy over telehealth, and from my experience it is good quality. If that still isn't an option, you can still get familiar with the basic concepts of ERP and mindful-based techniques. Here's the first thing to understand: your thoughts aren't the problem, and neither is the anxiety. These OCD spirals are fueled by our resistance to those things. We don't like the thoughts, and we don't like the feeling of anxiety, so we do whatever we can (compulsions) to get rid of them as quickly as possible. Ironically, this causes more intrusive thoughts and more anxiety. The foundation of ERP is to teach yourself to allow the thoughts to be there, and simply feeling the anxiety that arises without resistance. The reason this works is that it actually demonstrates to yourself that you can handle the anxiety, and that the thoughts are not at all dangerous no matter what they are. Over time, this slowly makes the thoughts seem less important, and you naturally care about them less. As you care about them less, they produce less anxiety, and you don't feel the need to compulsively get rid of them. Here's an exercise you can try on your own: Once a day, set a timer for 5 minutes. For those 5 minutes, make it a goal to allow whatever intrusive thoughts arise to be there. Maybe even write them down on a sheet of paper, without altering them in any way. During this time, you will likely feel quite anxious, and that's good; that's what you want. As the anxiety arises, simply focus your attention on your body, no matter what your thoughts are saying. Anxiety physically presents itself in different ways to different people, and this is your chance to learn how it presents itself in you. Maybe your chest feels tight, your jaw is clenched, your stomach has that "sinking" feeling, or your face feels tingly. Whatever it is, simply notice it without judgement. Recognize that this is nothing but your body preparing itself because it thinks it's in danger. For the last few minutes, see what you can change about your posture or your breathing, and how that might affect the anxiety. Again, you aren't trying to "get rid" of anything, you're just experimenting. What if you relax your shoulders a bit more? Or your jaw? What if you put your hand over your chest and feel its warmth? What if you slow your breathing down? Do any of the anxious feelings change? After the 5 minutes are up, reward yourself with something pleasant. Watch a show, play a game, eat a snack, whatever. Try that out for a while and see if you start to notice any benefits. Hope this helps.

I am sorry you are going through this. This theme has tormented me on and off for a while. ERP and resisting compulsions is so hard, but it’s the key to getting better

I listen to really stupid music. Like, stupid stupid. I don’t know if it would help you, but something that has a musical pattern (or lacktherof!) helps me focus on something other than my thoughts, and added humor gets me to laugh a little. Idk, sometimes the jarring switch between what’s going on in my head and what I’m choosing to listen to is enough to snap me out of it. One of my favorites and go-to’s is lil big stacks toilet time 2, specifically the song “farts in my butt.” Also, “my superhero movie” from the teen titans go movie. This might be completely unhelpful but it usually has a 70% chance of lifting my spirits by some degree. I hope you feel better soon, but do know it does and CAN get better!!!