tired (two.)

OCD is so strange because I feel so mentally exhausted 24/7 but i’m so good at masking it that like it’s like i can think double. I’m not sure that makes sense. But i am so used to the OCD thoughts racing through my head that i can respond to my environment whilst completely existing in my head. I can have conversations when intrusive thoughts are taking over my inner dialect. I feel like i am even doubting whether i have OCD and whether it’s all just an excuse. I feel like my rumination hasn’t stopped for the past 3 years. Everything i used to enjoy or look forward to, is now dread and tainted by the thoughts telling me i never knew. I don’t even know what i like or who i am anymore. The thought of getting help and talking through it all scares me because what if i’m invalidated or if i speak about it too much then what if i don’t stop thinking. I’m so exhausted

I’ve been dealing with a terribly overwhelming bout of OCD for a few months now, possibly the worst I’ve ever had in my 12 years of having it; which is what led me here. I’ve always had doubts in my long term relationship, but none that have been quite this vicious, making me question my sense of safety with this sweet man who has ALWAYS made me feel safe and comfortable. It picks on every aspect of our relationship, and any moment it can to make me question if he’s actually secretly a bad person. This thing has a chokehold on me and it is so scary and debilitating, especially with it targeting something I care so deeply about. And now weeks into therapy, I almost feel that unpacking it is making me feel worse and my OCD is finding all sorts of new things to pick on. Any comforting words would be appreciated… I’m trying really hard to work through this.

My ocd makes me question everything. I don’t get it. what makes it want to attach to certain things? I don’t obsess over wether or not I like blue because it’s true I do like blue but other things like that, things that should be so simple for me to know is true ocd tries to take and make me second guess it. Even if I know for a logical fact that this thing is true or isn’t true. OCD will work so hard to try and convince me I’m wrongand even though I know I’m not wrong it eventually works and ends up convincing me I’m wrong and I spiral. Is this just part of the pattern how do I learn not to argue with my ocd cause that’s the problem. I try to test my ocd and argue with it but for every answer I have it has an answer to combat mine until it has me convinced I’m wrong about what I 100% know I’m not wrong about. It never stops even with things I thought I settled it like it has unlimited ways to prove to me that I’m wrong. It’s insane it makes me feel crazy. Sometimes I don’t even realize im performing a compulsion or I’m arguing with my ocd or testing it until it’s too late. It’s sneaky like that. Is this just a normal part of the cycle of OCD?