no boner

so about 2 weeks ago me and my girlfriend had our first kiss and afterwards i felt very uncomfortable and off and very like dirty and i felt really upset and i couldn’t pinpoint why but i eventually did, and i think it may of been a trigger because in the past i was sexually assaulted so it may have been an unexpected trigger for me, and now i feel like I’ve lost some feelings of attraction and it’s scaring me because i don’t want to not be attracted to my girlfriend and i also have become quite numb to my feelings for her, i hope it’s temporary thought but it may be my mind protected itself by suppressing my feelings and attraction and making me numb because of the sexual assault and the kiss i think triggered me, but im not sure, im really confused and could use some advice

Today I had an icky intrusive thing happen where at work we had this guy dive into water. I thought he was cute and all and handsome, but then…maybe because he’s shirtless and all. That I had what I almost thought was a groinal response to that? I mean I’m attracted to men and he’s attractive and shirtless so there. I don’t think I actually had a real response. I think it was mostly anxiety which I know groinal responses can stem from. I have a boyfriend who I love and have ROCD. I have a terrible time of finding other people attractive so this really bothers me. I’d feel awful if I actually got a groinal response from looking at another attractive man that wasn’t my boyfriend.

I dont know is this is sign of me being a lesbian or what but I feel like i can’t talk with my girl friends about guys. When i was young i used to, it was fun, talking about those things and talking about sex when we were pre-teens. But now I’m 20 and i feel like that im just not that boy crazy as other girls and i feel like im just left out of the conversation. When im alone and i do feel normal and my ocd is not spiraling i notice guys and i do have fantasies. I just feel a bit broken when i talk about guys with my girl friends. But i dont think im a lesbian. Sometimes i just know I’m not. But i’ve read many stories like “I realized I was a lesbian when all my girl friends were talking about guys and i couldnt relate”. 😔😔 Maybe this is all because of HOCD because i have it since 14.