Exposures

Pocd feels real again and I can’t tell if I’m actually attracted or not. can’t believe it got this bad again. I used to be able to go “no I don’t like that, go away” and now it feels like I do like it and want it, and it’s starting to linger longer so it feels more real. I’m avoiding checking but I’m so scared that what if it’s true. Is it because I have not been doing my exposures? I’m not sure, but every time a 14 year old person comes to my head, I keep hearing something go “they’re attractive” and it sounds like me so I panic, and it makes me even more scared because I’m not feeling bad about it??? I saw some kid at Walmart that had long black hair and my brain kept saying shit and no matter how much I say I don’t feel that way, it won’t shut up, i want to check 1000 times to make sure. But I know it’s not worth it. I’m trying so hard

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

I’m currently struggling with guilt from checking OCD. By this I mean, I feel guilty and shameful by my OCD checking because I feel as that was immoral and wrong and I really don’t know what to do. How can I fight this?