Please help 😞

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

How does everyone try to combat their real event OCD? I keep remembering this certain memory where an old friend of mine from a group years ago who was a guy messaged me on Snapchat last year on Halloween he said something to me. I don’t remember what he said and I responded and I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember that I removed him right after, as well as one other guy, I do remember why I removed them and it was because I had a thought where I was like “I don’t want my fiance seeing these guys that I used to talk to on my snap and think that I’m doing something wrong or anything.” I know I removed them out of respect for our relationship and I remembered because I remembered I had gotten an anxious and nervous because they were still on my snap, but 2 months after I un added that guy off my snap(December 2024) I panicked because I don’t remember what I said or he said and I got worried about what if I flirted and said something wrong. I spoke to my fiancé about it and he pretty much reassured me and he told me that if I had actually done something out of that intent, I wouldn’t have told him about it at all, so that helped me and reassured me for a little bit, and then my OCD moved on to another theme for months. Fast forward to now, I remembered the same thing and my thought was “What if I cheated and I blocked it out of my memory.” And I started freaking out again and I started panicking. I told my fiancé about it again and he reassured me again but recently my OCD has been really bad and every theme I’ve had has caused me to have bad mental breakdowns intensely, it just sucks because I can’t go check if I actually said something flirty and I just didn’t realize it because I added the guy last year right after I talk to him I just wanted to know if anyone has any thing that they do whenever they have a problem with their relevant OCD around the cheating theme. Because my fiancé is a god sent and I’d never ever want to hurt him, I hate that my ocd attaches to him because it makes me feel like I’m a horrible person.

I thought I was doing better this week and I have a little bit but ever since I had this one specific thought pop up again it’s been bothering me so much. I’ve posted about it before basically giving the rundown talking about how last year in October about seven months after my fiancé and I started dating, an old guy friend messaged me on Snapchat and awhile later I was in the shower and went on snap for some reason and saw the chat and then I responded, I don’t remember what he said and I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that I removed him right after because I didn’t talk to him anymore and I just wanted to be respectful of my relationship, that part I know. My OCD has been trying to convince me that I flirted, or that I cheated on my fiancé, which I know that I would never do. What bothers me is that my OCD didn’t attach to that memory until months after it happened. The memory happened in October 2024 and then I told my fiancé at the beginning of this year because I remembered it, and I was anxious about it for awhile until my OCD attached to something else. Then it came back to this thought and I’ve been struggling with it for almost 3 weeks. Mostly because my OCD is like “If you didn’t tell him right after, that means it happened and you were hiding it,” or “If you’re feeling anxious and guilty and so worried about it, that’s means you did it.” Etc. And my OCD is convincing me I’ve done it when I know I’d never ever do that to my fiancé, I truthfully don’t know how to deal with this thought because I know some people say you have to say “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” but I can’t even say that because I can’t even fathom or imagine myself doing these things to my fiancé it hurts my heart too much and makes me sick to my stomach.