Feeling gross

feels like I violated a family friends son who is 10 years old because I was holding a kitty on my lap and they were scratching under the cats chin and I went to scratch under the cats chin as well but we ended up touching hands bc we were both scratching under but like I didn’t care bc I was just like awww kitty or whatever but then when we touched hands and he moved his hand away it freaked me out like I did something bad or violated him. It felt like I cupped and grazed his hand because I went to scratch under the cats chin but he was doing so as well. And when he moved his hand away it like slid past my hand and it just made me feel like I did something weird. Some people would be able to do this and not freak out and even continue scratching under the cats chin with the little boy and not care but I care and it’s making me feel really weird and bad. And also him moving his hand away when I touched it makes me feel like I did something bad. This all happened in a span of a literal second and I just want to disappear

I have a dear friend of mine who happens to be fat, and no shame in that, I just like to tease him because he's a bit shy, but it's playful not disrespectful. Like I used to tap his belly as a joke, i stopped that though. One day I was messing around with him and I thought it would be funny, because he was fat, to act like a creep and reach out with my hands with the grabbing motion as a joke, and I think I playfully pinched his man boobs (I don't really remember but I suppose and it's very probable that I did that). I wasn't really thinking much abt it, for me his man boobs were the same as touching his belly: funny, neutral and harmless. But I tried to pinch myself and I didn't like it, i think it feels violating and I'm afraid that's how he really felt. It was a joke and I didnt really put much thought to it when I did that as I didn't have ill intent, but I still made him uncomfortable, I'm afraid he actually felt molested and that I did SA. well he did say he felt molested but not in a very serious tone, but more like a midly uncomfortable awkward tone, like "pause, don't do that", and i was ok, but it didnt cross my mind until much later. i didnt mean it to make him feel that way, it was something fun like a tease, so for that I apologised much later when i realised it and the guilt was eating me, and then he said not to worry abt it. but it doesnt that change that i made him feel molested, i think it's because he's too nice. even though it was a joke. i take it as a lesson not to cross boundaries that have not been set yet, to be careful in the future to do physical touches as a joke, even though it might be normalized in the friend group. I hope it's just that and not something more serious like SA because I really didnt mean it that way, like im not even gay, but still. there wasnt much intention, but more like an impulsive joke that resulted inappropriate without me realising. Even though man boobs are not a se&ual body part I still should have not done that. One day I put an arm around him nothing weird and he told me he was uncomfortable with physical touch, so from then I understood where he was coming from. So I respected his wish and I stopped having physical contact with him entirely. Now lately I've been overwhelmed with a big guilt and a lot of anxiety over what I did that day. I stopped with the fat jokes and just started being more thoughtful with my approach as a friend, just giving him advices, but without trying to make him change anything or making him feel bad abt himself or give unwarranted critics as I did before. We kept being good friends despite that awkward event, and he probably forgot it and it doesn't weigh to him as much as it does for me for what I did. After some time when I was overwhelmed with guilt after realising what I did despite not having bad or se&ual intention, I apologised profusely for what I did that day and he was very chill and told me "relax, don't worry abt it, really". We went to the movies together and I bought him a nice present for his birthday that he appreciated a lot. He regularly talks with me without any problems, he supports me etc... I still feel guilt. I can't let this one go and I'm sure that you guys agree what I did was very wrong and I agree. Nothing changed, we're good friends. But I feel like I commited SA. It's a guilt that I can't let go and probably shouldnt. I feel ashamed. Even though I try to reassure myself because we have the same circle of friends and they touch me inappropriately all the time as a gay joke and they do that between themselves and do not think much abt it, and one time my same friend did laugh in the car when my other friend kept touching me inappropriately as a joke. I don't know. I don't ask for reassurance and forgiveness. I'm not the type of person to self-absolve his own sins. Recently I asked him abt it again and he didn't remember and preferred not to talk abt it. He mentioned to me that another friend, which I dislike because he's a creep, saw him and squeezed his chest and you could he didn't like that at all; i don't think he did it lightly, knowing that guy i think he did it hardly. Now I'm obsessing that if I actually did it, if I did it hard, which i didnt think so. There was no se&ual intention, and i dont think he perceived that action as se&ual, but i think it could be that such physical touch made him feel violated, because a friend of mine one day came behind to me and squeezed my butt and chest and i felt violated. So it could be the same.

I feel like I did something bad now because I went to put the blanket on my brother and my hand was close to his back I had a thought before like “it’s time to touch him” and I stood up and he was on a call but he was sleeping so now I’m like why did I stood up? Was it to take the iPad or what exactly? I feel like a child molester I don’t remember touching his area or butt because I didn’t but I had my hand near his back I asked my brother if I did anything he said no I asked if I did anything when I put the blanket over him he said he was sleeping so that doesn’t reassure me So I almost acted on it?