Reocd but actually did something bad

This was a great episode!!

Yeah I understand all this in theory, but it's hard to apply it in practice sometimes. Especially when the event is not only bad but also disgusting/disturbing, so now its not only the guilt, but the shock and disgust, too much stuff. Now I'm kinda slowly moving forward something similar to acceptance? Not always, still freak out a lot, and even though I still think sooner or later I will off myself, I think I maybe can handle a few more years... like sometimes I sit with it and I can accept that I did something horrible, but I can be better.. but it's still hard. Anyway, thank you very much for the response and the link, I will make sure to listen to the podcast.

Well see.. what I did wasn't a normal child behavior. It was a sexual event, I won't go into details, don't want to gross you out. It didn't hurt anyone, but it's extremely wrong, disturbing and gross. Like it's hard to realize I did something like this. So I understand why she wrote this. If I wouldn't remember what I did, I would probably write something similar if I saw a story like that. The worst thing is that she didn't even try to be mean. She genuinely thought so. Because she apologized and said that she is not educated enough to talk on such sensitive topics, doesn't know how to help me and hopes I get treated. So that autistic comment wasnt her trying to be rude, it's very triggering, but I understand why she said so and it's awful

@emma345 I totally understand what you’re saying, and maybe she wasn’t trying to be mean, but I also think you’re seeing it from a place of self hatred. That’s still a crappy response that no one deserves. My therapist tells me that we’d all be shocked if we knew just how common crazy sexual things are in most people’s childhoods. Literally the older I get, the more I hear stories of other people who’ve done weird things as kids, and I’ve been shocked (not at what they did, but how common it was). Because at the end of the day, we’re just sexual creatures packed with hormones and emotions. I see you’re an atheist, and I am, too. So I’m telling you, try to think of yourself as just an animal more often. That’s all we are. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s the truth, and we try to act high and mighty when really, the universe is simpler than that. I’m sorry someone said that to you, and I hope can eventually find a way to see yourself as a human worthy of this small and precious life, no matter what mistakes you’ve made. ✌️

@flyana This is a fantastic comment. Love what you said about humans still being animals at the end of the day. That’s so true

@flyana Thank u for the response, Idk I just think that the whole animal thing is kinda well... doesn't really make it any better. I thought about it a lot before and it doesn't make me feel better. Like you can apply the same logic when for example an adults rapes a child but it won't really make you feel less hatred towards them, yk? And like I said in the other comment while I don't believe in traditional christian God, I like see the possibility of the existence of something like a soul or similar concept, like I tend to believe in it sometimes. Because accepting the reality where we are just a conscious pieces of flesh was always scary and sad to me, I kinda had awful episodes of existential ocd since I was a child about it. Now idk when I'm at my lowest I like this complitely atheists mindset cause it brings me relief, thinking that when I die it will be over and nothing really matters. When I'm a bit better I tend to believe in other stuff, idk. While I understand that the stuff I might believe in probably arent true, I prefer it over "Humans are just animals. That's all we are" mindset, cause it makes me loose meaning in everything.

@emma345 I hear you, and we all have different things that comfort us. Any hatred felt toward someone who commits a terrible crime is still based in human logic and perspective. Animals do crazy stuff like that all the time, and they’re not judging or hating each other. It’s all human perspective, and it has purpose — to keep society as orderly as possible. This one hits home because I have a brother in jail for a terrible crime, and the line is more grey than we think. I’ve also had existential crises about this stuff, so I don’t want to downplay anything that brings you comfort. I just think it sounds like you’re equating yourself to the worst of the worst, and that’s the part that makes me worry. Last thing I’ll say — meaning is subjective, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. If meaning is *always* a human construct, then we’re always in control of it. That personally comforts me, but I also see others’ perspectives. Again, I just don’t want to see you throw yourself into good or bad thinking at the risk of losing yourself ✌️

@flyana I will try but... Idk it's hard for me to actually believe in that mindset and I don't really like it, cause then morals loose meaning and sense, and then everything else, it's just not the mindset that makes me want to live yk

I respect your belief, but well I'm an atheists/maybe believe in a possibility of something spiritual, like reincarnation or something, but I don't believe in a Christian God, so the only way for me is discovering how to forgive myself without religion.

@emma345 Hey Emma, Something awful happened. You feel horrible about it. Now your Inner belief about EVERYTHING in this world kicks in: Everything that you learn in your life Itis called INDOCTRINATION For example If you learn At age of 7 that lying is bad You will be growing up and have 17 20 24 30 40 60 Knowing that lying is bad That means that you are indoctrinated(learnt) about meaning of LIES Soon as we are indoctrinated we have created a Belief about that And now for example In your case. You now exactly what is wrong and not Something sexual Okay You are indoctrinated that this is bad and you believe in that And then lets get back to our Bully Ocd who Attaches itself on That Belief And ocd, Knowing that you believe that you know about bad and good will always attach on BAD So think about it Your example Something sexual. You have one Understanding of event and you believe in it So try to CHANGE your indoctrination about that thought You can make 100, 1000 infinity perspectives on that event And apply that Change the way you look at that event. And Ocd will change Ocd attaches to you That alone means that if you change view about something it will became indoctrinated, and once is indoctrinated that means you believe in it So change perpective and believe in that perspective Then your ocd comes, On your NEW perspective Not on the one you have now Again For example Ocd attack you now: how disgusting you are how, this and that, and everything bad Change perpective on event For example This Event has made me Beutiful Loving and caring person, it was the Darkness that i need it in order to truly recognise LIGHT Play with your mind, Change the way you look at bad things Maybe as lessons maybe as being little unKnowing kid Maybe as i needed that it will make me Stronger woman.

@emma345 We all have a choice.

@andrewt_ Also when you are 14 or 16 you simply don’t have the capacity to always make the best decisions. That’s why teenagers are rarely punished as severely as adults. When you are those ages your brain is underdeveloped. And you may have heard other people saying they knew better at that age, but no one’s circumstances are 100% the same. Just because someone claims they knew better and didn’t do anything doesn’t mean you need to hold yourself to the same standard as them. Everyone has a drastically different brain and drastically different life circumstances. I’m sorry for writing so much, I just feel very strongly about this kind of thing

Thank u so much for the response, I understand with my logical part of brain that while my event is very bad, the intention, the context and other stuff matter. But I still feel awful and disgusted with myself and sometimes still can't believe I did something like that. Idk see if we say that everyone can be redeemed we need to truly mean everyone. What about serial killers? Child rapists? Are they redeemable and deserving of not feeling guilt too? If no, then where we draw the line of who is redeemable and who is not? And while I understand your point and deep down I know it's true, I don't like to think about myself and other people as just a set of our experiences. I just don't. This mindset triggers existential ocd for me, and kinda makes me loose the last pieces of meaning in life I have left. My age is a big factor it's just.. i would like to believe i was just that dumb, but she wasn't, so how on earth I didn't recognize that what im doing is wrong. People rarely do something like this at 14-16, I searched internet and reddit for similar stories and while it does happen jts rare and people have very bad reactions on it.

@emma345 You can strongly condemn the actions of people while acknowledging that they were once possibly very different and that very specific circumstances led them down a dark path. That doesn’t excuse their actions but it establishes context which is important for understanding the factors that cause certain behaviors. That’s not the same as excusing it. But knowing what contributes to harmful actions helps you prevent them in the future. Even when people do bad things it’s not always helpful to use words like “evil” to describe them. It usually doesn’t cause you to get to the root of what made them do what they did. Also you don’t have to see everyone as a set of circumstances I wasn’t trying to force any particular viewpoint on you I was simply giving you an alternative perspective. Also you can acknowledge that people are a product of their environment while also acknowledging how incredible it is that people can constantly choose to do good despite a flawed past. Even if someone is seen as a set of all their experiences it’s still possible to also see a great deal of beauty in their capacity for growth and change. Both can be true at the same time. And acknowledging that people are a product of their environments doesn’t negate the inherent value of a human being. I also don’t see the point in asking if killers and rapists are deserving of redemption. They are on the extreme end of the spectrum of humans who make mistakes. Most people, even those who have made big mistakes, still aren’t on the same level as killers and rapists. A lot of individuals who do bad things are still capable of growth and can sometimes be rehabilitated. The binary of good and evil is often what fuels OCD, because it thrives on absolutes, when life is rarely black or white. It also likes to draw comparisons between you and who you think you may be like even when those comparisons are inaccurate.

@emma345 - It's okay to feel disappointed with yourself, but I think you're again equating to yourself to the worst of the worst by focusing in on how we don't "forgive" serial killers and child rapists, and that worries me. There's a difference between forgiving and punishing. Serial killers go to jail for their actions, but how can we know whether or not they're forgiven, and who's doing the forgiving? I've seen parents of children who've been killed able to extend forgiveness to the person who killed them. Does that mean the killer is or isn't forgiven? There's no black and white answer. Redemption looks different for everyone. Again, it's all about who's deciding whether or not someone is forgiven or redeemed. And if that's the case, you can choose to forgive or redeem yourself. Also, people online aren't sharing everything about their past, especially if they're worried of judgement, so I wouldn't compare yourself like that. That's the OCD trying to prove and disprove with evidence that doesn't exist for a good reason, not because you're an exception. Try to remember that <3 People can have very bad reactions to things, but I find the ones who have the harshest reactions are the ones who secretly resonate with the sentiment. So, who knows, maybe those comments come from someone who's struggling with the thoughts themselves, and it's easier to chastise others than look inward, which is what you're doing, and you're very brave for that!

@andrewt_ @andrewt_ I mean I do see the point in asking about serial killers and rapists, cause if we say that all people are redeemable and deserve forgiveness, we need to truly include all of them. And if we don't, if we draw the line on a certain part of this spectrum, then who decides where we draw it? I didn't rape or kill anyone, but my event was sexual and I consider it SA. Sexual assault is a spectrum and rape is a part of it. If my event is a part of the same spectrum as rape, how do I know I'm not close to rapists on a mistake spectrum? So I think it does make sense for me to ask this. And growth and rehabilitation doesn't mean that they deserve forgiveness. I have grown, I know it's bad now and I'm not going to repeat what I did. So technically I learned on my mistake and am better now. Do I deserve piece and forgiveness? That's a different question. Understanding the behavior also doesn't mean thinking they deserve forgiveness. You can understand everyone if you try hard enough, analyze them, their life, their experiences. But idk if absolutely everyone deserved forgiveness. It may sound good in our heads, but it's hard to apply this mindset in real life, at least for me.