I need help

I'm 18 years old I was watching pornagraphy and basically I was watching a well known porn actress doing a collab with someone and the other woman basically kinda had a small slemder build and I started to freak out because my mind tells me I'm doing it to kids i would have thoughts of it but I kept going because my mind was like this is a well known person they wouldn't do stuff a child that's illegal my mind starts racing but it was just a petite woman who was built small but my mind still says I was aroused by thinking it was a kid i need help idk what to do if anyone has a input let me know i.feel so alone

BellaBirdy

Date posted: Yesterday

Deep breaths.. What matters here is intention. From the sounds of it, your intention was never to think of the OTHER thing, and it also does not sound like you wanted the actress to be an actual stand in for (the other).. Like I said, intention matters. You went on there with the intent of looking at GROWN ADULT women.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Yeah but while I was yk doing my thing it felt like I was enjoying the thought that's what icks me out like it felt like I was enjoying tbe idea idk what to do idk what this says about me I so tired of mental reviewing I'm tired I legit don't know I feel so freaked out

BellaBirdy

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous My friend… the fact you feel icked out is pretty much proof this was unwanted. People who genuinly wanna feel that stuff don’t have this kind of mental reviewing. Ask yourself this.. because I’ve had to ask myself this too… “do you want to look for media that has THAT specifically? Is that a known turn on that you wanna continue to explore?”

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BellaBirdy Still scaring because it feels like I liked it idk how I can explain that the girl the video was not a minor but my OCD tells me the thought of it being one makes my mind thinks I like it more idk what to do I feel so weirded out

BellaBirdy

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I get it man. I really do. OCD twists that stuff. The only thing I can tell ya is this.. rest. I know that feels super hard rn, but stop giving into the compulsions for tonight. Take a deep breath, let the thoughts exit your mind, and rest your body. You got this and you’re okay🤍

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BellaBirdy Also I was have metal convos in my head saying I like it when being well aware im saying it like I feel like a crazy person I'm just saying things in my head God I probably sound crazy to you huh 😭 like I genuinely like don't know anymore

BellaBirdy

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous You don’t sound crazy at all..you sound like someone in the middle of an intense spiral. OCD loves to play on confusion and uncertainty.. and I know this sounds super hard, but right now, try not to figure anything out. Like I said, don’t give into the compulsions and rest yourself.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BellaBirdy I say things in my head I felt like me saying it not being bothered means I like idk what to do like even me talking to people to just seems like I'm looking to seem less guilty idk like I was doing my thing having those thoughts it then seems enjoyable like idk what to do

BellaBirdy

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Like I said, ocd is playing on your confusion, and POCD loves to make you feel like you’re the “bad one” or the “exception” It’s all a part of the spiral

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@BellaBirdy I'm scared tbh it's just like I had those thoughts felt enjoyment like idk what to do

YellowToad

Date posted: Yesterday

Times like this it always helps me to remember the EGO-DYSTONIC nature of OCD. the fact that you are even concerned about that happening shows that it’s against who you are at your core. You are gonna be okay.

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