This is a long one, so bear with me.

My ex and I were definitely not the best match for each other, even though we convinced ourselves we were for nearly seven years. We said some things to each other we probably both still carry on now. One thing he’d tell me always was that I was mean when we fought/argued. But I only ever got that way when he didn’t listen…cause when I did soften my tone, or showed my vulnerable opinions he never took it seriously. I’ve realized over the years that my OCD usually gets heightened/worse either when I’m stressed, PMSing, or am on an estrogen related birth control. Sadly my life has changed drastically and so near the beginning of this month I switched to an estrogen/progesterone combined birth control pill. It has been great so far, up until this past week. My current boyfriend truly is a saint, and is the genuinely sweetest men I have ever had the privilege of knowing. But, I still get angry. Thankfully I never EVER get angry at him. I will talk my feelings out to myself (like at my job when I’m alone or in the car on the way to him) and work out my anger before I even see him: cause 9/10 times…it’s all in my head, with whatever is wrong. I’m just so worried that 1) one day that angry and mean side of me will come out again. I never ever want to make him cry, or make him feel unworthy (which is how my ex told me how I made him felt) and 2) that he’ll see me for who I ‘truly am’. He swears to me that I’m a sweet girl, and that I don’t have an angry bone in my body. But I see how agitated I get, I see how bitter I can be. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared of hurting him. I’ve been nonstop thinking about this past week and I just want relief or a break from me.

Josh09

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5w

I think that since you are aware of your anger and take the steps to work on it that is a step in the right direction. Awareness is key to understanding and avoiding the behavior do not want to exhibit. Just keep working on yourself and always strive to communicate from a place of peace, care and love and you should be fine. Hope that helps.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 5w

Hey, I completely, completely know how you feel. In fact my fiance and I were literally just having a conversation about this. I apologized sincerely for a way I acted when I was withdrawing from my medication about a week ago and I spoke to him in a way that was very inappropriate. I apologized the next day and I’ve just been stewing on it for so long, going down research rabbit holes about narcissism and crying privately about the damage I feel I’ve done. I brought it up to him after work today and told him I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I wanted to apologize again and he very gently took my hand and told me he forgives me and that he knows it’s not in my character. I very calmly told him all the work I’ve been doing to try to understand my anger (similar to what you’re saying about hormones, also some family trauma), and he reminded me to be gentle with myself and not dwell on “fixing”. I think at the very end of the day, as long as we can recognize the areas we need to grow in, take responsibility for our mistakes, understand what we need from a partner when communicating (like you said, you needed to know your ex was listening), and in general we are aware of our behavior and have our partner’s best interest at heart, we can not only make better choices, but also find some healing. I think it’s easy, especially as women, to have a lot of shame around anger. It’s a natural feeling, but it’s also really important to find healthy ways of accepting our anger in a private way, and communicating what we’re angry about in a respectful way. Just like any other OCD thought, meeting your anger with shame and judgement internally might make the feeling more intense and might cause an obsessive spiral, but if you can meet the feeling with acceptance, it might help you express it from a more grounded place. And, if we react in a way we don’t like and see as a mistake, I think it’s also important to give yourself the same kind of acceptance. Self-hating the anger will only make it get stuck and fester. ❤️

geminileo

Date posted: 25w

Not doing well (vent)

Hi, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling for the past month, it’s been a mix of ocd flare ups and depressive episodes. I recently got into a new relationship, one I was not expecting at all as I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend over the summer and was expecting the cycle of being alone for a few years and then dating again. But anyways, my current boyfriend is amazing and so caring and sweet, I told him before we even started dating about my ocd and how I sometimes need constant reassurance and that it can be a lot to deal with it and that I can become clingy and annoying and he didn’t even bat an eye, he just said he likes me as I am and that he will be able to help and support me. We’re dating long distance rn as I’m finishing up college but we constantly text and video chat/call almost every night. My ocd has been constantly gnawing at that and it’s causing my abandonment issues to flare up horribly, I’ve told him a little bit about my ex boyfriend as he was not a very good person, he was much older than me (12 years) and at the start of our relationship he was amazing and said he could deal with my mental health issues (I know no one is obligated at all) but I would communicate to him that it scares me when he doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, and at first he said he would try to be better about that but then it turned into him saying I’m annoying and clingy and that I bother him and that he just wants alone time but during that alone time I wouldn’t hear from him at all for two weeks. He also stopped caring about my interests and said I was annoying when I would talk about them and would even get mad when I tried to talk about my day. Anyways being in this new relationship has caused me to fear that my current boyfriend is going to leave me, lost interest in me or that he’s annoyed with me and hates me, which unfortunately has caused me to give into my compulsion of reassurance so I’ve been asking him a lot “do you still like me?” “We’re still together right?” “Have I annoyed you?” And I hate myself for doing that. He is so sweet and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to drain him, i genuinely have never felt this way about anyone I’ve dated but it’s like he was meant to be in my life and we clicked instantly like it felt like we’ve known each other forever and I don’t want to lose him. My avoidance is getting bad and I’m trying to stop myself from pushing him away but I just feel so guilty and ughhhh it’s so frustrating. I just don’t know how to handle this, I want to be with him and I want to make him happy but I hate that my brain works this way.

Buddyfriend

Date posted: 19w

I’m scared of being an abusive partner.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I’m graduating from college soon and i have been so stressed about finding a job, signing a lease for an apartment, college ending, I have an ungodly amount of assignments to do, I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother that has recently blown up again, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed, I snapped at my boyfriend last night. I immediately apologized but i still feel awful. One of my biggest fears is being an abusive partner and i feel like this confirms that I am one. My best friend was also there and he saw me snap at my boyfriend and I’m scared he thinks I’m awful too. He saw me apologize so maybe that makes him think differently, but i can’t know for sure. The logical side of me tells me it’s not that deep, i apologized, and it’s time to move on. But i feel like i need to apologize to my best friend too to make sure he doesn’t think im terrible, but i know thats reassurance seeking. The ocd in me is punishing myself and refusing to move on.

Perfectionism OCD

user36373738

Date posted: 12w

Does this mean I don’t love him 😭

I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.

Relationship OCD

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