Realised I have another compulsion

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10d ago

When I'm in private I have moments where I say my thoughts out loud as well. I don't ever find it happening with other people around but it does happen. I don't think people are paying attention to us as much as OCD likes to tell us. There are times where I just have to tell my OCD to shut up because of how silly or exaggerated the thoughts can be. I can understand why this would be so annoying and bothersome though.

moon027097

Date posted: 10d ago

it's comforting to know that there are other people that do it too! i mean i know millions of people probably do it 😅 but you're right, OCD likes to overexaggerate or catastrophize. thank you for understanding. the current flare-up really makes me get in my head a lot of the time. it gets especially worrying with POCD and false memories because then i keep thinking what if someone thinks it's true or they think I'm the worst kind of person. and then that makes me question myself even more like am i a bad person etc. Its just never ending. i think OCD just likes to keep me scared for no reason.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10d ago

@moon027097 Oh, for sure! There are even times where I have thoughts so bothersome and uncomfortable that I will physically react by humming, facial expressions, and even grunts to show that I'm really disturbed by the thought. That's if the thoughts are extremely uncomfortable. I'm sure plenty of people have this happen to them!

moon027097

Date posted: 10d ago

@BigGyro09 oh yeah i do this too! sometimes i also say things like super aggressively like "whisper-shouting" almost to sort of banish the thought out of my head. it never works (OCD lol). glad to know im not alone! i hope i can get to a place one day where they don't bother me as much. thanks for replying! i hope you've had a good day and start to your week!!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 10d ago

@moon027097 Yup, I have the same thing happen! I think that's just something that happens with the mind of someone under OCD. We just think about things differently and then coping strategies of that come up, you know? But yeah, everybody's got their way of trying to handle OCD and while it may feel like no one else goes through this the same way, they likely do!

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 10d ago

Woah I also worry about this! And i also whisper to myself like im trying to reason with the thoughts and sort them out or go through my memories to determine if i wanted to or not (checking) and I feel like a crazy person but it comforts me when i get a bad thought. I KNOW theyre just thoughts but i NEED to respond bc if not im somehow "agreeing". I dont think anyone is paying enough attention to you though. I mean, at the end of the day you are only whispering. Everyone is more focused on their own issues anyway. I know if you were whispering to yourself and i was nearby i wouldn't even notice bc I would be more focused on wtf im thinking about and why! Other people are probably just focusing on their phones or other people that are interacting with them. You're good :)

moon027097

Date posted: 10d ago

i relate to feeling like you need to respond to the thought 😭 for me, talking to myself is also my biggest form of reassurance which i only just figured out so i should probably stop it but it's also one of my most solid habits so it'll probably be hard to break. sorry that you worry about this too!! thank you for commenting. it makes me feel a little less alone in this struggle :)

🖤SavageGirl🖤

Date posted: 9d ago

Question. Who is going to take the time to monitor everything you say and do, you specifically, just to try and get you in trouble? I'm genuinely curious if this is a specific or general fear. Hack to get info like SSN and bank information, maybe. If someone bugged me, they probably would have gone insane by now. >< But I'm serious. No one is going to take the time to find one person out of 7.8 billion and growing to monitor everything they say or do and then what? They report it? That would be evidence that they were doing something illegal. Lets say they did report it. Where would they get the evidence? If they weren't there, there's nothing and even if they recorded you, they would be the ones to get in trouble. It would be majorly hypocritical to judge someone who's innocent but has intrusive thought's when they are commiting a felony. I can keep going if you'd like. I'm not trying to be mean, for the record. I'm just trying to rationalize it.

moon027097

Date posted: 9d ago

i've had the same conversation with myself where i try to rationally talk or reason with myself but OCD doesn't want to accept it and maybe it never will. but thank you so much for saying this because sometimes i think i just need to hear it/see it from someone else. and you're not being mean or anything like that. if anything, it's just approaching my irrational fears with logic :) at the end of the day, i can't argue with either side because that just means i go around in a loop so trying to sit with it as best i can 🤗

🖤SavageGirl🖤

Date posted: 9d ago

@moon027097 - If you need any more rationale, I got you girl

FairyWithaKnife

Date posted: 25w ago

I just don't know

I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.

jjtornado

Date posted: 19w ago

My head is so loud.

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

nae nae

Date posted: 17w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

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Realised I have another compulsion

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