I can’t do this anymore

I’m crying so hard as I write this. but my girlfriend of 9 months, just broke up with me. I feel so numb right now, I should feel pain …I should feel misery, but I feel numb. Like I have no emotions. I feel alone, I used to tell her about my POCD problems and always seemed validation from her, and because I talked so much about it, she left me because of it, I just hate myself so badly right now, I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror, I can’t stand it right right now, I can’t stand my reflection. I feel too angry to look at myself. I feel so so angry and upset, why did she have to say goodbye so dry and short like that? Did she never care about me? I don’t understand what I did wrong… I feel even more alone than I was before, it all happened too quick…now I’m not sure what I can even do anymore.. I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore…. We planned so much together, now I know nothing. I regret talking about my problem so much. I don’t even know what to say anymore. No amount amount of anything will make me feel better. I just want to isolate myself right now…. I bought so many things for her, that I now have to throw away… I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself right now. I don’t feel like talking to my family. I don’t feel like talking to my friends. I honestly just wanna be alone for a long time… I just want isolate myself. I don’t want anyone to talk to me… I don’t want anyone to look at me… I feel so lost.

Username: Anon849Anon849

Date posted: 15w ago

Nothing wrong with taking some time to be alone and process this stuff. As with a subtype of OCD and having a partner, it is vital to understand the line between what you can and cannot share with your partner to navigate through not feeding into the OCD cycle. For now, it's okay to cry and to feel all that you're feeling. Have you talked to your OCD therapist about tips to having a relationship and navigating OCD so that you are not 1. seeking reassurance from your partner 2. putting too much pressure on your partner?

Username: King sillyKing silly

Date posted: 15w ago

@Anonymous I haven’t yet, but it wouldn’t matter because I am not with her anymore :( she broke up with me as I stated

Username: Anon849Anon849

Date posted: 15w ago

@King silly Yes, but it's a very recent break up. I'm not saying she will come back, but she probably was just at her wits end and needed to let you go for now because nothing she did or said to you was ever enough to satisfy your OCD. If I dated a guy who was telling me the thoughts of someone struggling with POCD and I didn't have OCD myself, and it's only been 9 months? I'm leaving, too. I have to think about my own mental wellbeing, too. The same thing might happen in your next relationship, and so whether or not you're in a relationship now, it would be useful to go over what happened with your therapist and find better ways to seek encouragement from your partner to help navigate when you're having an OCD attack.

Username: King sillyKing silly

Date posted: 15w ago

@Anonymous You’re right, thank you for your helpful insight

Username: Anon849Anon849

Date posted: 15w ago

@King silly No problem! I struggle with HOCD and have had a few break ups with my boyfriend before I realized telling my boyfriend it really feels real that I am a lesbian probably doesn't make him feel the most secure in our relationship. I only told him because I wanted to get rid of the anxiety and guilt, also known as compulsively confessing. He knows what I struggle with (the anxiety, the guilt, etc), so now when I struggle, I've let him know what are the tell-tell signs of me struggling and what he can do to support me. He now just says "you got this, babe" and lets me sit in the discomfort.

Username: Philipp2024Philipp2024

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w ago

I feel you. This really sucks.

Username: Brian__Brian__

Date posted: 15w ago

I’m so sorry Sam that’s actually horrible I’m so sorry. It’s normal to feel this way after a breakup and please take all the time you need to heal and register everything. Break ups are difficult and painful but look at it like this. Take this time that you have alone now for self improvement! You can focus on yourself and your recovery now. Put all your focus on yourself and getting better. I know it seems so hard and hopeless right now but I promise it will get better. I’m always here for you and I’m so sorry once again

Username: FloralEnvoy

Date posted: 18w ago

My life is in tatters and now my ROCD is flaring

Please read, I normally don't beg but I have no relatives I trust to be emotionally vulnerable with, no social circle or friends outside of my relationship so I really need some help. My partner has been my one stable bond since we met. I've had small flare-ups during our relationship over fearing the commitment in the beginning, and for the last 2 or so months since we had a relationship crisis (caused by me) I feel like everything in my brain flipped. My brain is telling me she's ugly, I'm feeling threatened around the time she comes home, I feel hesitant to spend time with her, and my libido is in the dirt as I'm constantly self-monitoring arousal to check if I'm attracted to her or not which ofc skyrockets my insecurity. I struggled for years with compulsive sexual activity before meeting her and it feels like the same part of myself that I was protecting through those activities is the same part of myself lashing out against my partner now. We went to the state fair yesterday, and I don't know if it's my new medication (Bupropion) kicking in or what, but for a while I felt alright. I didn't look at her and feel anxious, I didn't feel any negativity at all. Then when I wake up this morning and she leaves, I'm wracked with the thought that maybe I didn't have a good enough time last night? I don't get reassurance from anyone besides myself and her, I'm not necessarily asking for it here but I feel like I'm truly alone in this and I'm fighting with everything I have to not leave the one person that life without makes me instantly sob when thinking of.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 16w ago

I’m mad at myself

TW:Self-Harm I really felt like I was doing better. I messed up tonight. The ROCD thoughts became so overwhelming. I couldn’t stand it , I was breaking down. I was having thoughts of SH myself just to make the thoughts stop. I gave in and the thoughts did stop. But I feel so empty. I feel like I failed. I relapsed after years of being clean from SH. I don’t want my girlfriend to know and I feel so much shame. I don’t even know why I’m posting this here.

Username: King silly

Date posted: 14w ago

I feel so close to my limit (TW)

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.

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I can’t do this anymore

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