I’ve spiraled to the lowest of rock bottom. I now have all subtypes and I do not deserve to live. I hate my mind so much. This has all happened in 3 months and all because of reassurance.
I've been there and feel for you. Please know that with therapy hope springs eternal! I'm nearly 69 years old and have been dealing with OCD since I was a small child. Back then, no one knew what it was and I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was in my late 30's. Even then, no one really knew how to treat it. I've felt hopeless, too, but I got back into therapy a few years ago with a very good, trained OCD therapist (shout out to Judy Lair!) who uses ERP therapy. Found her through NOCD. Recovery has been messy, not linear, but I am well into recovery. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you! Don't give up, get help.
I feel the same way. I have no sense of self esteem or self in myself whatsoever
Same here 🙋🏻♀️
Hang in there. OCD is rough for sure, but don't lose hope. It will get better, the one good thing about rock bottom is the only direction to go is up. You may not feel strong today, I know I have days where I don't. So today take care of yourself. Take a shower, eat some food, and just rest. And when stronger days come you'll be able to look at your OCD and say 'you will not win over me!' Just hold on. Brighter days are coming. 💛
@Thatoneunhingedfae I just developed POCD and I’m really really scared
@Spirit130 I remember when I had those kind of thoughts for the first time. I was scared too. I was terrified of myself, and yet terrified to tell anyone. The day I finally admitted to my therapist was scary. But she didn't freak out, like I thought she would. At first she told me to avoid my triggers, and I thought she was condemning me. Then she said "I'm not telling you that for their sake, I'm telling you it for yours." Like I didn't deserve to suffer or feel scared just because of my illness. Your not your illness, remember that.
Hey .I am so sorry that you deal with this .You are not alone.you deserve the best
I think something we tend to do as people with OCD is try to label every type of intrusive thought as a subtype. While this can help us to an extent, it can also be detrimental. It puts too much pressure on us because it makes us believe that we have another insurmountable theme we need to deal with, when in reality it is all just OCD. I know how you feel. My intrusive thought all revolve around sexual taboo things. What makes it worse though is that I put too much emphasis on the particular thoughts and themes and ignore the fact that these thoughts hold no meaning. When I start to focus on individual subtypes I notice that I give the thoughts more meaning and power over me. I don’t think it’s possible to have all sub types because technically we can break subtypes down into smaller and smaller subtypes dozens and dozens of times over. I notice this happens to me a lot. For example, if I have a sexual intrusive thought about a child I might think, “oh no, I have POCD.” If I have a sexual intrusive thought about a family member I might think, “oh no, I have incest OCD.” Doing this just becomes an endless cycle. Next time you have an intrusive thought, try to not focus so much on the subtype. Instead, just accept the fact that you are having an intrusive thought, sit with the discomfort, and move on.
@Hopeful$7 Yeah, I’m in the same boat, all my thoughts revolve around sexual taboo things which makes it all the more distressing for me and causing me to depersonalize. I do have a question though, and I’m not asking for reassurance. I want to know based on your experience, does it get easier?
@Spirit130 Some aspects have gotten easier. However, I do struggle with some taboo thoughts more than others. POCD used to be the worst for me, now it’s low on my hierarchy. However, now I’m worried about another subtype which my mind believes to be even worse than POCD. I’m starting to realize that OCD will always try to one up itself and give you doubt and uncertainty about something you fear more. I thought POCD was the final boss to overcome in my mind, but OCD still found something else for me to obsess about. What is crazy though is that this subtype did not really bother me when I was in the thick of POCD. That’s not to say that you can’t have multiple subtypes at once, which you can. I’m just saying OCD tends to make you hyper focus on one in particular. I think being able to recognize this pattern has helped me realize that whatever OCD tries to convince you of is a lie. It’s just a bully trying to make you obsess about the most disturbing things imaginable in order to keep you at bay. At the end of the day though, it’s all just OCD.
I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.
I feel like I’ll never lead a normal life again with OCD, my thoughts have begun to be convince especially about POCD. I feel like so sad and down that this will be my life forever. I’ll never get to fall in love again without intrusive thoughts. I’ll never be worth falling in love with. I can never be intimate again. I’m just done, my life is over. I can’t even look at my nephew and niece anymore without the smile fading. It feels like I’m so nasty and then my brain convinces me this is how I feel. That there’s some part of me that is a p*do and that’s it. I’m a disgusting human being for that. I just feel hopeless
TW I’m feeling really bad about myself today. I feel like a fraud and a liar. I’ve been unable to enjoy my time with my girlfriend because I’m bombarded with my thoughts. I’ve been asking for reassurance from so many people and nothing is helping. Nothing makes me feel better anymore and I’m worried that this is just how it’s going to be for forever. I miss when I could just be happy and not overthink so much. I miss being able to get through my days without this crippling anxiety. I’m worried there’s going to be a day where I realize I have no fight left in me
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