Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasnāt a major factor then. It wasnāt until my longest relationshipāsix years from age 18 to 24āthat OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasnāt the issue; it was what happened after.
When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldnāt let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged.
For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if Iām with the wrong person? Iād break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then Iād question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could āwithstand it this time,ā only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadnāt built the tools to manage it.
Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed upāquestioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I havenāt yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know thatās my next step. Just like Iāve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control meāto learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to āfigure it out.ā I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it.
I know Iām not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. Iām hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I donāt expect to eliminate doubt entirelyāafter all, doubt is a part of every relationshipābut I want to reach a place where it doesnāt paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings.
I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. Iād love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!