I give up

For the next week I’m gonna ATTEMPT at not doing any compulsions (researching, posting on here, ruminating, etc) and just let things be til my next session. However, I give up. Everyone is so quick to tell me “oh don’t worry it’s just OCD that isn’t actually you!” It all feels like bullshit. Yeah, sure, this wasn’t who I was before and my main focus of attraction has always been men and I’ve always felt disturbed by SA and pedophilia as a whole. But what about now? What about all the thoughts I’ve had the last year? Why would they show up when I’m literally enjoying myself sexually ESPECIALLY as I finish? Why does it feel like I think it’s ok or it’s alright when I know and have always known it was never ok? Everything from before doesn’t really matter anymore. What about now? Yes, of course, I have no interest in actually acting on any of it. But that doesn’t mean that that isn’t who I am. I know how RIDICULOUS it all is but there’s a reason why it feels real. I’m tired, and over it. I see all of you post everyday about how much you’re suffering, and I’m sorry. I’m suffering to, but I’m starting to think it’s for different reasons. I’m done. If you wanna reassure me, go ahead. It’s pointless.

deadmeat

Date posted: 1y

hi! i hope this doesn’t distract you into getting back on the app if you don’t want to. it’s so vulnerable to talk about these things- you’re not alone. i’m going through the exact same thing. it’s a huge tmi but it would typically pop up during intimate times for me as well, especially toward the end. you’re still disturbed by these things- that hasn’t changed. your OCD knows you’re disturbed by these things, that’s why it’s using them to attack you. i know it’s tiring hearing, “this isn’t you!” but it truly isn’t. if it’s happening more, it’s most likely because you’re trying to suppress it more. as bs as it sounds, ocd will also make you believe these things are turning into desires or something you don’t see as morally wrong anymore, but the reason they happen so often is because you do get uncomfortable with them. it doesn’t align with your morals. a lot of people struggle with thinking it may be who they are turning into, but you’re clearly distressed over this, which shows us that it truly isn’t you or anything you’d do. i promise you are not alone in the feeling, this is what i’ve been struggling with the most. people who are into it, don’t see anything wrong with it, and they DO intend to act on it in one way or another. you’re here because you don’t want this. you know you don’t. i understand it feels real- it feels real for me too sometimes. but we both know deep down it’s not who we are. as hard and uncomfortable as it is, we need to start being more patient and compassionate with ourselves. don’t try to force the thoughts to go away. don’t judge yourself. don’t look at them as negative. you and these thoughts are like separate beings entirely. when you hear another person say something, you can hear and see it in your head. it’s the same thing with OCD, it’s like someone else. i understand you don’t think reassurance will help- maybe it won’t- but please know you aren’t the only person who feels this way. feel free to reach out if you need support 🖤

Jay222

Date posted: 1y

@deadmeat I really needed this morning to get me through the day. Even though it is reassurance I don’t care, this shit gets so overwhelming for me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Help?

So, I don't know if anyone's going to comment on this post, but I've been doing pretty badly lately. I suffered from a second relapse of OCD around nearly a year ago, back when I first experienced OCD, I had all the symptoms, researching, crying none-stop, suicidal, etc, but now that it's been almost four years of this same theme. It doesn't feel nearly as bad anymore? It's almost like it brings me happiness??? I see people saying with confidence that they'd never do their intrusive thoughts but I can't agree with them, I'm not confident I won't do them, a few years ago, I'd say I'd NEVER do them and I would rather kill myself before doing them but now I can't say it. I don't know what's going on anymore and what makes it worse I think is that my feelings are all over the place, a part of me wants to give up while the other part of me is still fighting and I'm crying right now as I write this but I don't even know if I'm scared. Sometimes I just let myself "enjoy" the intrusive thoughts because I'm so tired and everytime I look at a reddit post about someone saying that they felt guilty for enjoying an intrusive thought, I don't feel that same emotion, and I keep researching and researching. It doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I can't even say I'm scares for the right reasons, my brain keeps telling me that I'm only scared because I don't want others to look down on me and the truth is that I actually "enjoy" the thoughts and I simply don't want to be looked down upon on society. I don't know what to do, I want to go in the bathroom and cry until I disappear

"Pure" OCD

HOY

Date posted: 16w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

10 years in.

Hey folks, I know I shouldn’t post here and I know what I’m looking for when I do but I just feel so at a loss and OCD is playing the old trick of telling me I don’t have it which I guess is what it’s been doing for a while. My OCD started with a health obsession when I was 12 (I’m 22 now) but went away after a couple of months but didn’t present itself again until I was 17. I thought I had a degenerative disease and struggled with that day in and day out until I eventually accepted that I was going to die and made peace with it and then of course I kept living. OCD was pretty quiet for a few months after that. It would show itself when I had headaches and random aches and pains but it never hooked me as bad. Quite funny actually but I had a weird thing for a couple of months where every time I would go out for a drink I thought I’d wet myself so I’d stand in the bathroom for like 20-30 minutes at a time and that was multiple times across the night. Then in 2021, the theme shifted. I remember it distinctly, I was just lying in bed and a question appeared and that was it. My anxiety was really bad for about a year and then I met my girlfriend and we started dating. OCD went quiet until she moved to another city for university and I started to worry she was being unfaithful or didn’t love me anymore and things like that. With that obsession it kind of came to a head where I realised I either had to fully trust everything despite any doubt I felt or I’d lose her and so it just eventually started to pass. I’ve had a few occasions where I question my love for her and that really hurts because I’m pretty sure I’d be lost without her. That comes and goes though and it usually has to do with a general numbness that I feel after an OCD spike. The theme from 2021 (which I won’t say because I’m somehow worried that someone I know will see this and I will definitely wonder if people near me have seen this post despite it being pretty closed off.) never left but I was somehow able to put it to the back of my mind and get to a point where I was okay. I got a new job in 2024 at a point where I maybe was not ready. New place, new people and for the first 2 months or so it was fine. I even saw some potential triggers before they happened and did my best to ignore them. I got really drunk on a staff night out and when I woke up a lot of what ifs filled my head and I’ve been on my back since then. That brings us to now, my OCD has been pretty bad for about a year now but the weird part (and what I’m making this post about I guess) is that it feels different this time. I know that’s a super common phrase for people with OCD that therapists hear all the time and I have actually taken that piece of information as reassurance a few times over the years but it’s true. I feel so much more confused. I can’t even really explain it. It feels like my brain doesn’t engage or deny the obsession the same way as it used to and of course that makes me believe it’s real and I never actually had OCD. Instead, I’m left with thoughts that don’t give me that sharp feeling of anxiety that they used to and instead just leave me feeling super low and often angry just wishing it would go away. I think it’s probably because I’ve been at this for so long and had the same theme for years and so I’ve in a way habituated to the anxiety and that’s what rationally makes sense to me but like you all know, you can’t reason with this thing. It’s like it gives me just enough anxiety and depression to keep me on the hook and make it feel real but not enough send me into panic like it used to. I used to lie in bed, unable to get up and wishing that I was dead. I guess that now because I don’t feel that way, at least most of the time, my ocd is using that as a way to tell me I never really had it. Also I think I used to rely so heavily on reassurance but now know that I shouldn’t have it I try to avoid it. Without it though, it all feels real and I feel like eventually I will lose myself fully and that’s a fear that makes me feel unfathomably hopeless and makes me dread the future when I used to have dreams and hopes for myself that I looked forward to fulfilling. I don’t want to be big-headed, I just genuinely feel like I could’ve had a really great life and that’s gone now because of this thing. Anyway I just wanted to kind of use this post to get my head straight and map out something that I couldn’t quite explain effectively in therapy. I appreciate everyone who sees this but ask not to give me reassurance, I know we all empathise with each other but I’ve been at this long enough to know that it does none of us any good. I hope everyone is doing well, keep your head up. They tell me there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.

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