Feels bad to feel better (21+)

I have a long story with both OCD and BPD (you can check my posts, but my main obsessions are real event and ROCD related. I also struggle with bigoted intrusive thoughts that make me question everything about myself and my beliefs. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling better and better. I have been healing from my events, and my ROCD has been only flaring mildly (exasperated by PMS). I have still been dealing with these bigoted thoughts that bother me though. I have been trying really hard to let myself believe that I am not my thoughts, or that even if these are deep down bigoted beliefs that I actually hold, the fact that they upset me and that I don't want them points more to my values than the thoughts themselves. So I have been feeling pretty good for a bit. I have been responding to the thoughts differently instead of trying to dig to find out what is my "truth". I have been trying to give myself CHOICE to be who I want to be, despite what any thoughts say. But responding like this can make me feel like I'm ignoring something. Like I am lying to myself so that I can feel peace (but even if that's true... I feel better than I have in awhile.) It feels wrong to feel good when I don't have "proof" that I am not hiding or lying about who I truly am. Almost all of my obsessing relates to my relationship in someway, probably because of my BPD. In terms of the bigoted thoughts, those target my relationship as well and make me feel like I'm actually a horrible person who is decieving my girlfriend if she doesn't know some of the fucked up thoughts I have had. For the past year, a lot of it has been transphobic thoughts that distress the fuck out of me because my girlfriend is trans. I am always afraid of not seeing her properly (we have been together for 11 years and she transitioned almost 5 years ago), and I have had checking behaviors around this because I always want the way I see her to align with the truth. I try to tell myself that even if I do have internalized transphobia, that's not who I want to be and I can work for my entire life to unlearn that way of thinking. And that I WANT to work to unlearn the automatic transphobic, cisnormative narratives that are drilled into all of us on some level by society. I like to think that the fact I care about this so much says more about me than any messed up thought. But I still get the, "If she knew that I just had that thought about her, she wouldn't want to be with me anymore/she would be so hurt", which feeds into my BPD/attachment/abandonment issues, which leads to confessing my thoughts either vaguely or in detail and seeking reassurance that even if I'm a bad person, I can change and still be with her because she is the most important person to me. I don't even know exactly where I am going with this. It feels scary to be in this place where I am feeling better, but not fully. It's also difficult because I have been going through my own gender confusion for awhile (leaning towards the label "genderqueer"), but I almost feel like I'm "making it up" to feel better about my "bigoted" thoughts, even though this is something that I have felt since childhood. Ugh. Also in terms of ROCD and feeling better, it makes me so afraid that I'm ignoring something and that's why I feel better. Like I don't have all the concrete answers on why I feel better, so what if I shoved it down and I don't actually feel better? How do I know if I feel better because I'm healing or because I'm in denial or something? If someone who relates could respond, it would mean a lot. I have a long day of work ahead :(