I am avoiding everything. (POCD, 18+)

TW very controversial nsfw topic. My post “spiraling” goes into further detail for context. - - - I had a past history of nsfw addiction. I watched taboo anime material on and off, as a way to cope with stress. This may be an extremely humiliating reason, but although I never felt actual attraction to these childlike characters, I projected myself onto them. Guess because I’m really childish myself and I have a fear of facing adulthood head on. At this point in time, I am avoiding everything, and I can’t look at most young fictional characters the same. If they’re in highschool, and the content isn’t even nsfw, I push it aside. Above all, I’m starting to avoid my friends. I’m aware this is an unhealthy compulsion but I can’t even look them in the eyes. Many people think if you watch this content, you’re officially a p-dophile. I’m too scared to bring this up to my therapist (they specialize in many things not just ocd). I feel like they’ll see me differently.

NamedUser

Date posted: 11h

Hey I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say that I am going through essentially the exact same thing. I was exposed to pornographic art at an incredibly young age and became desensitised to it. I usually tried to avoid anything problematic but I have definitely seen stuff like that without realising. Even recently I've questioned some media I've seen and I'm trying to force myself to live with the uncertainty of whether it is or it isn't. This must be very difficult for you but I promise you that you are not alone in this. I hope you're doing alright, you shouldn't punish yourself

angel.anon

Date posted: 11h

@NamedUser Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I really was desensitized to pornography, and now I’m left struggling with why I even continued to engage. I feel like I stopped way too late, so I can’t even chop it off to ignorance. I want to get proper help, but I’m too afraid to say this to a single person. Not even my partner, whom I trust with everything. My guilt is tearing me apart unfortunately.

NamedUser

Date posted: 11h

@angel.anon I fully get that, Ive questioned myself constantly as to why I even still engaged in that stuff and it makes it very hard to practice any self compassion. I'd be lying if I said I was free from it, I literally posted a couple minutes ago about how I'm going to quit and start working on myself. And if it helps you in anyway, it's partly because of your post that I decided to do so. As for telling people and getting help I'm definitely not the right person to talk about that as I've been putting off therapy forever! But, I am lucky enough to have my mom to talk to about it and she's been very supportive of me getting better. I do hope you're able to find someone you can be open to with. But at the same time, don't feel the need to confess to everyone. The fact you feel guilty about it shows enough about your character already.

angel.anon

Date posted: 11h

@NamedUser I’m not judging you at all for where you’re at! I fully stopped almost a year ago, so I would also be a bit hypocritical because mines recent too. I’m honestly surprised this post resonated with anyone, so I wish you luck on your recovery. I’m glad you have a support system yourself. Hopefully I get the courage to work my guilt out with a therapist, but it’s been eating at my life for months at this rate. POCD is so awful.

NamedUser

Date posted: 10h

@angel.anon Sorry I didn't mean to word it like that! I meant it more like you should be proud that you've quit for as long as you have! Also thank you, that does mean a lot, I hope you are able to deal with the guilt, I know myself how painful guilt associated with POCD can be. I wish you nothing but the best 🫶

angel.anon

Date posted: 10h

@NamedUser No worries, and I wish the best for you too! After looking at a few of your posts our experiences sound pretty similar haha.

NamedUser

Date posted: 10h

@angel.anon At least you know you're not alone in this lol

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