Seeing my patterns from a Birds Eye view

I feel like focusing on the little details have caused me to neglect evaluating my life from a wider lens. I think the inaction towards my goals that OCD ( combined with ADHD ) have inspired, has been something I have failed to take seriously for so long. It’s especially mind boggling when you realize how many things/ “problems” in your life root from this. I wrote a little something while reflecting tonight: Isn’t it funny ? How I can get so upset over people not understanding it? You’d think I was an expert because I understand what it means but I have no idea what it means to me. And so I understand what it is but I barely know it myself And it’s because I’m so scared to accept it Out of fear that it might have more power than it already does and that one day that power may consume me I’ve had recurring thoughts of it doing that Thoughts that I run away from Thoughts that might as well be classified as controlling my life And don’t they? I think they do. I think anything that you keep coming back to so you can run away from hours and hours a day controls your life. Wouldn’t you say that is my life? In a bird’s eye view: There she is! That is her: And look at her living her life controlled by the thoughts she pretends doesn’t exist by running away into the abyss There she is … and there she is not Because she’s not all there and she even says that herself I’m not all here right now She begs for him to be present because she is not She has been scared to be present since 2021 She’s been scared to slow down since 2022 She’s been scared of herself since 2018 She’s been scared since 2001 Maybe I will maybe I won’t Live in my mind and go back in time to when I was 21 years old and I thought I had the whole wide world And now I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve lost my spark but I convince everyone and myself it’s still there but it’s not convincing because I’m believing it and I don’t know what I’m doing to make anyone else believe it and if I’m being honest I think the relationships in my life since then have not had any reason to believe that she ever was there But I don’t accept Still for whatever reason I don’t accept I don’t know why And maybe this has been the theme of my life This is something I’ve always believed to be true That somehow somewhere There is this version of me that is free because she loves what she does and who she is and how she looks and what she believes is even better than what I could imagine right now and in pursuit or maybe not pursuit but in belief that she exists I feel calm and sleep every night and let myself run down the rabbit hole knowing that she’s there and one day I’ll be her or maybe never but at least she’s there and that’s enough because in knowing that there is always a version of me I would rather be and I always have the potential to be I don’t ever have to accept myself as I am now and so I never do I never stop and look in the mirror And even if I do I never tell myself it’s good enough I’m stuck between not addressing the problems or when I do address them I cannot give myself love and when I try to I try to change and the cycle repeats and there she is again!! Do you see her? She’s in the wild. She’s in the bathroom again. She’s drunk and eaten and sick and tired and she’ll be fine because she’ll sleep and leave her dreams in the hands of no one just deep in her mind and on the internet and wherever else dreams and ideals exist like Pinterest or Instagram or fleeting thoughts or moments that she’ll never hold Somehow she’s made peace with that And becomes jealous of those who haven’t and those who live what she wishes But she watches and saves and does nothing different because somehow she’s made peace with that And she’ll try and change and she might read a book or flip a page but Nothing changes She stays the same Yet maybe she doesnt stay the same Because all of this This whole thing Is her Going In the definition of who she wants to be Insane Xxx Contrary to the end of my paragraph/poem?/entry, I think right now, finally seeing so clearly how my patterns (OCD/ADHD inspired or not) are affecting my life, might be the most sane I’ve been all year.