Rambling/spiralling

I think I've got strep throat and ugh :( Not been able to do anything to occupy me 18+ please// Feeling so so guilty for my past, I really wish I never got in the porn rabbitholes I did and I think I've developed some false memories about how often I searched this stuff, my intentions, my fantasies etc. I know rationally I didn't even fantasize about this stuff, and if I did it was in very isolated amounts. I was very dependent on my then-boyfriend at the time and I know he occupied all of my sexual fantasies, but I've convinced myself that this was all I desired and wanted and I was a sick predator. Spinning in my head because I found forums about this stuff too? I think I'd felt guilty about being aroused by this content and would google about it, then found forums of people normalising and enjoying this and I don't think I could really conceptualise WHY it was wrong at that age, I would've been no more than 13-14 years old. I just want to move on. I don't know why I searched or watched that stuff. I watched a ton of stuff, literally every category I think, but I've got tunnel vision about this stuff specifically and I can't shake it. I feel so gross. Unrestricted internet access damaged me so badly, I should've never had access to everything I did but it feels like my situation is so much worse than everyone else here. It was so so easy to find, so I really assumed it wasn't THAT bad.

NamedUser

Date posted: Yesterday

Just know that you're not alone in this. I still struggle with porn, especially animated stuff, and I'm terrified that stuff I've watched, whether that be when I was younger or even recently, was wrong and actually was illegal without me knowing. I know I haven't as I always try to avoid anything that can trigger my POCD but I've still seen horrible horrible things even when I don't want to. Im trying to quit now but it's been really hard. That said, even with all that, I've tried being kinder to myself. I know I'm not a monster or a predator or anything like that so I can recognise that when I think those things its my OCD. Therefore, I think you should be kinder to yourself. You were a kid and were unfortunately shown things you shouldn't have seen at that age. That isn't your fault. I can't offer you reassurance but know that we're not our thoughts and that so many people have gone through or are going through the exact same thing. So stay strong, you deserve to. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your day

Eclipse_xx

Date posted: Yesterday

I really appreciate it. I'm totally free of porn today but really struggle coming to grips with all the messed up stuff I've seen and looked for growing up, never anything to do with children, but other morally wrong categories and stuff that's still deemed illegal/extreme in my country. I never really watched animated stuff so you can imagine :/ I realized how wrong it was at 17/18 and completely stopped watching that sort of stuff but it haunts me how long it took for me to realize the real-world harm it caused and etc. I think I'm looking for reassurance and I know you can't give me it. I definitely feel like the exception and that mine is worse, etc, and it's so hard to come to terms with. Thank you so much for the reply, I know I was a kid and I deserve to give myself compassion despite it all, and so do you. 🫶 Real event is a very sucky theme.

NamedUser

Date posted: Yesterday

@Eclipse_xx Well I'm very proud that you are free of it. I think the fact that you have regret shows that you've changed and that you shouldn't continue to punish yourself over it anymore. I know that's easier said than done but hopefully you can! My issue comes from the fact that people make this sort of stuff. I've always hated it and I've never knowingly watched it. My fear stems from what if I have and don't remember or didn't realise. I know for sure I wouldn't have because I feel sick whenever I get a pop up or see a thumbnail and immediately scroll away. But my OCD clings to that fear. I think your OCD has also clung to that fear. You were young and didn't fully comprehend what you were seeing. Loads of people have gone through the same thing. Just know you're not alone, like I said in the original reply. I hope you can begin to feel better. Real event does suck and I have a few myself from when I was a kid. I often think about them and wonder how did I think that it was okay? Or I just cringe and move on with my day. Hope you can start feeling better soon 🫶

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