Struggling and sad.

I tried to retype this post alot but realized I'm just compulsively ranting about heavy feelings and confessing all the worries and what ifs etc of themes thats bullying me. Long post short,I'm having a really hard time lately.I am slowly starting to get screened for therapy and they do think I may have cptsd and ocd. My brain is jumping between so many themes,it doesnt matter if its real event or false memory,or some shitty mix of the two,i cant even catch a fucking break to properly grieve my late grandmother all the while trying to unpack traumatic sexual things over the years.im tired of feeling like im secretly a terrible person,that ill become those who truly have hurt me and didnt care,i feel guilty for even the slightest age gaps when socializing and worry past socializing may of had been rude or inappropriate even though its common and its normal to laugh and joke. im upset my grandma is gone,im upset i let an online situatuonship consume me and fuck me up,im tired of wanting help but feeling undeserving of it it.im tired of past mistakes where i know i was either young and going through awful shit or my intent was well but i lack severe social ques sometimes due to several things somehow makes me a horrible person,im tired of feeling like burden to friends and family even when they tell me they love me and im a good person and im just traumatized,im tired of dealing with suicidal ideation (im safe and dont want to do it) im tired of the thoughts of hurting myself,im tired of feeling like life cant get better even though ik it could,im tired of constantly worrying im letting loved ones down etc.I'm just tired,angry and sad about my own life but also world events.The way some people kn social media can be so cruel and unkind to those with disabilities or mental health or victims of serious topic. I just want to feel secure and enjoy life but i worry im not even allowed that sometimes or theres a fear if i move on and heal its all for nothing or im somehow encoursging things.Like I never thought id live to be 18,yet alone now 25.Like how did I manage for this long,is this all that life is going to be,for how much longer will it feel this way.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14d

Hey I can kinda relate. I Had OCD for 11 years since age 10 I was 21 when I got into therapy. I don't know how I made it that far either. Let me just tell you this don't listen to the thought that your a bad person that's OCD's lie just get into therapy. I promise you that's the best thing that can happen. I went from days of my OCD constantly being an 8 to being a 3. Always remember you made it thus far 👍 You are far stronger than you think. Just be strong and little longer get into therapy and follow what they say it will change your life. PS: Winston Churchill once said "If your going through hell keep going" There is light at the end of the tunnel it won't always be that way

GhoulishFairy

Date posted: 20h

Hope that it'll be worth it,therapy has only really just started for me and its intimidating for several reasons.My therapist is new,so I'm not sure how much shes aware of how ocd works but she seems to know the basics of it.😞 I'm just so scared that somehow it wont work out or I'll be punished? Living with ocd for that many years must've been alot,I'm not sure when my ocd started all I know is it became alot a couple years ago.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond