Rocd? (21+)

Is it possible for ROCD to show up super late in a relationship? Like... 11 years? I'm pissed off. I love my girlfriend. She's my best friend in the world. I have BPD and I have had a very dependent relationship with her for a long time (me being the unhealthily dependent one). Now I am working on healing this, and our relationship feels a bit destabilized and off even though not too much has changed. I want to be with her so bad, but I'm always so scared I'm lying to myself or I'm in denial because I've been with her my whole adult life and I'm super attached to her... BUT I KNOW I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE? When I have moments of clarity, it's always the same realization that I am so lucky and grateful to be with my best friend in the world. But also, there will be times where she does something cute, then I smile to myself, then I worry because the smile felt "forced" because I just wanted to see the good in that moment. I have this huge fear of "what if I just want to want this but I don't actually deep down and that's why I feel this way?" My therapist says that if I want to want something... That means that I want it. My therapist thinks I have OCD, but also that my BPD and childhood parental relationship trauma play a big part in me hyperfocusing on my relationship. I don't have that much of an identity outside of my relationship (and the identity I used to have was pretty rotten, so bow that I am fixing myself it's like there isn't much left). IDK if this makes sense. I would love to be able to allow myself to feel safe. I miss that consuming feeling of connection, I hate the weird feelings of uneasiness and fear that my "gut" is trying to tell me something. That I don't have free will, that I'm struggling because I'm going against my truth or some kind of destiny. So I suffer, but at the same time, I know I'm not going anywhere. I just don't know how to feel better, and that's all I want. Anyone relate?