loneliness and healing

my thoughts used to give me company. they kept my head busy. i was never alone. now they’re quieter and i almost feel abandoned; it’s almost as if i just have to accept that im truly alone to feel what i feel. and as i recover from ocd, there’s nothing to distract me from this pit i’ve just been carrying around my whole life. it’s lonely, it feels so lonely to have nothing to hear; no static, no noise, and i wish it was peaceful. i thought it would be when i started therapy. i thought that i’d find a satiable peace. recently i can only feel anger and bitterness and frustration and annoyance and under all of that is sadness and exhaustion beyond that is just an empty loneliness. these feelings help me understand why i coped the way i did as a kid. when i realize the relationship between my childhood, my feelings, and my current self, my therapist calls these realizations “throughlines.” and in this moment, via the throughlines, it kind of seems like i can identify the way ocd brought me comfort, why i developed certain compulsions, etc. so now that i can tolerate all of the things that became intolerable, im left with the most intolerable feeling— loneliness. the heart of all my avoidance, grief, fears, everything. my biggest fear is to be alone. my ocd taught me how to not feel alone. now i’m recovering from ocd. now im lonely again. deeply and in the most familiar way. healing feels like i’m accepting the loneliness and acceptance feels depressing and defeating. im losing my sense of hope that recovery is worth it. i feel so bitter because im trying so hard to do everything right to recover from ocd. anyways. i’m going to stop ruminating now 👾 i just… wanted to know mostly if anybody else feels this way? or felt this way while recovering?