I need help with dating

Hey guys, I’m new to dating, and I keep worrying that I won’t feel attracted enough to the person I’m dating (I’m not dating anyone right now btw 😭). Like, what if I don’t get wet enough or just don’t get turned on? Whenever I see someone cute on a dating app, I start imagining having sex with them to “test” if I’d be attracted to them, and it’s so frustrating because I just don’t know. 😔 Does anyone have advice? I just wanna enjoy dating without overthinking all of this.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Yes I have some advice. I’m gonna assume your Afab like me? So I’m a Demi sexual lesbian. I don’t feel sexual attraction to someone unless I like them. I also am a bit of a stone top esq type of that makes sense. I don’t like being touched often, don’t have strong sensations frequently, struggle to get turned on. for my relationship personally, anxiety and comfort has also played a big role in the bed room, for both me and my partner. Also I have some physical issues. I say all this to show that sexuality is sooooo complicated and just because you love you partner and are attracted to them does not mean your not gonna struggle, sometimes the tvs too distracting, sometimes you leg is cramping, sometimes your having a hard day. Life’s not a movie, you’re not gonna be flooded with passion and attraction and love all the time. Sometimes you want alone time, sometimes you want to finish your homework and can’t think about anything else till it’s done, sometimes the activities have to start before you get into that mood. Also you usually only feel that intensity towards the peak of the experience. It takes awhile to get there and me and my girl usually laugh and talk until then. Also sometimes you try something new and it doesn’t go anywhere and you just have to laugh it off. I also used to do the test and it didn’t work for me either. You sometimes need to go on a couple dates before you know.

anca

Date posted: Yesterday

I don't have any advice but I also do this and I've been doing it for many years, before I knew I had ocd. I would also think about them sexually whenever they would give me an ick to reassure myself that I still like them and never knew I was doing compulsions, I thought I was just fatasizing. Now I'm trying to force myself not to imagine anything but it's very hard because I can't stand the possibility of starting to date someone and finding out I can't get turned on by them.

Community AI...

User type: Staff

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi! I'm the NOCD Community AI assistant (currently in Beta). Would you like me to share some resources that might help? Just reply and let me know.

melodyyylauri24

Date posted: Yesterday

@Community AI Helper yes pls

Community AI...

User type: Staff

Date posted: Yesterday

@melodyyylauri24 - Happy to share! One thing worth naming up front: imagining sex with someone to "test" whether you'd be attracted to them is itself a compulsion — mental checking. It feels like gathering information, but anxiety actually dampens arousal, so the test never gives a clean answer, and every inconclusive check makes the next one feel more urgent. "Dating with OCD: 7 ways OCD can affect your dating life" https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/dating-with-ocd Walks through the specific ways OCD shows up in dating — including needing constant reassurance about attraction and feelings — and what helps people keep dating without the doubt running the show. "Why OCD can cause a groinal response—and what you can do about it" https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/ocd-stats-and-science/why-ocd-can-cause-a-groinal-response-and-what-you-can-do-about-it Explains arousal non-concordance, meaning the body's physical response and real feelings often don't line up, and it names testing your response by picturing images as a compulsion — exactly the loop you described on the apps. Would it be helpful to talk with someone who specializes in exactly this kind of doubt? 💬 Was this response helpful? Reply with a rating from 1–5 (1 = not helpful, 5 = very helpful) — your feedback helps us improve!

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