i feel i cant get better w/out getting over some1

After a sort of “relationship” break up I had many days and nights freaking out about hurting this person’s feelings and them hurting mine and being regretful ect. then i was just remembering any and every little thing that made me a bad person and then pocd related stuff started poking my brain until one night like a week later i had a full blown meltdown thinking I was a p and its never been the same since. I’ve been down so many spirals since and initially i had no clue about pocd but i found out about it after researching p and p thoughts for hours. Worst weeks of my life, i don’t think it gave me a chance to even fully process the “breakup”. Then, he came back in contact with me after a while and I wanted to stay and fix everything with him and at least be his friend and find comfort with him but I couldn’t because I was then dealing with the horrific thoughts and couldn’t bare the thought of him knowing (also lowky we were doomed from the start anyways) I felt like id confess everything to him and his view on me would just be so horrific. And i felt like such a freak who had to stay away from relationships or friendships who needs to stay isolated. Also he is quite a bit older than me and theres this other reason im also left wondering if HE is a weirdo, but then im thinking im just projecting because im scared and think IM a fking weirdo. The fact I feel i can never go back to him without this being associated with him in my mind is heartbreaking for me. sometimes i feel bitter towards him because he kinda triggered it but ik its not his fault, we were just two lonely people who found comfort in each other :/ it kinda hurts knowing rn i could still be dealing with regular teen yearning and despair instead of straight horror and despair. I miss when just having social anxiety and no friends in college was my biggest issue im leaving out lots of details but the two situations are so interconnected and caused such a huge part in my (what i hope is really) ocd id just feel so sad if ill have to get over him or hate him at some point I dont want to, i want to believe he was really genuine and im the one who messed up what was between us. Because initially i was just a lonely girl in a really bad place looking for attention and he was my reason i wanted to change and get better. I want to go back to him but without any memory of this </3 but hes the one who kinda triggered it and i could never tell him my thoughts or experiences that caused this ☹️ i dont want to think he was just another creep and actually liked me because if he is then i wouldve gone through so much suffering in my own brain for nothing. walking around feeling like a horrific monster and possibly gaining a lifetime chronic mental disorder just for it to turn out i was just another naive young girl to him. I cant 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I LITERALLY CANT everything hurts please