cheating ocd

@MM90 usually i get anxiety about a night out only after when my memory comes back after a blackout. i didnt black out but i keep wondering what if i did and that feeling later on was the truth? i had a weird dream that night about the guy i was there with but i get scared it wasnt a dream and did happen

@k38474859 I completely understand I get seriously bad anxiety after a night out I went out on Friday and for 3 days it was torture it makes me not want to drink again. But you know your morals you know who you are and the fact your feeling this way makes me know this is ocd, it always becomes worst after you drink. I don’t want to give you reassurance because from experience it doesn’t help it just feeds it and I completely understand how hard it is because ocd will change the goal post but don’t give in to it. You are strong and I promise you from the bottom of my heart you are not alone. Always here for some support if you ever need it

@MM90 thank u so much it means a lot! its so hard grappling with this because my bf and i broke up a few weeks back but we recently had a talk and he brought up me needing reassurance so he felt tortured thinking i did cheat on him. i wouldnt even want to cheat or anything i was very drunk around people i thought i could trust but one guy has been weird to me before so its scary about that and i asked him if someone made me uncomfortable whether it was him or someone else and he just said he was blaxked out

@k38474859 It’s fine don’t worry about it I honestly sympathise with you it’s such a difficult thing to deal with… my partner doesn’t understand but he does try and sometimes I tell him things and I think he will think Iv actually done it because to him he’s like if your thinking it or fearing it then it definitely happened but you have ocd and so do I it’s not an easy thing to deal with you don’t know why you think it but the minute the thought enters your head the what if does and it runs away with it… if you was blacked out then you can never get certainty but that ok, it’s scary I know I’m dealing with something myself but it is ok, everyone deals with it everyday just remember you are a good person you know your morals you know who you are and that’s all that matters. You are safe right now, you had a good night and you went home, you sent your partner a good message and that’s when you was drunk as well so that’s the real you in that state, that’s the real you in the moment that you fear. Please don’t dig deep don’t re think it you will make it feel real I did that once and I created a false memory looking back that’s the worst thing I did I should have just lived with the uncertainty but instead I delved deeper and deeper and I had this fear for 6 months every single day. I promise you again you are not alone with this, it’s a real struggle and you’ve always got people around you that understand and know exactly what it’s like. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to instead of seeking reassurance or mentally reviewing just reply to me.

@MM90 this means the world thank you so much. and yes i agree because when i’m drunk and something like a guy touched me weirdly happens, i immediately tell everyone and get freaked out and i don’t recall any of that and i would’ve told my (ex ☹️) bf if smth like that happened. ive just been re-triggered because my reassurance seeking played a factor in us breaking up. because he believed that if i kept saying i think smth happened, that smth did and i was just hiding it. if u ever need to talk too i am here, i appreciate your responses so much! its so hard because i’m ruminating on everythinggg because me and him just had a talk. he told me that i need to forgive myself for what i did wrong which makes me feel more and more guilty for my mistakes, and wonder if i deserve to ever be cared about like tha

@k38474859 It’s fine I know what it’s like I promise you Iv told my partner some really deep things that I know he wouldn’t understand or he would believe Iv done it but he’s very supportive and I’m extremely lucky for that and you should feel supported too… don’t ever feel like you going to your partner and asking for reassurance makes you guilty he just doesn’t understand and that’s ok he doesn’t suffer the way we do… but you need to realise you are definitely stronger than you think you are you battle this every single day, never feel guilty for having intrusive thoughts or fears you can’t help it but you can manage it and it takes time (I’m still trying myself) but you are a good person, bad people don’t fear the things we do bad people don’t care the way we do… hold onto that you’ve always got me even though we don’t know each other we know the struggle and sometimes someone who understands is all we need

@MM90 he believed that i did it only after i mentioned it so many times for a week. because i believed it myself. i know i am good because this has shook me to my core for over a month now. but i cant help but think this coming on and not going away means that something happened. because ive felt anxiety and hangxiety before but never developed ocd from it. ive been going through a tough time and am scared that when i was drunk i thought that guy was my bf (my bf had left two days prior) and did something out of drunk confusion. but i go to a small university so i feel like someone wouldve known if something happened? and if smth did and only that guy knows, then he is awful for taking advantage of me and not telling me when i asked him if someone made me uncomfortable. i cant help but blame myself because this cheating ocd caused me to become a different person this month and played a huge part in me and bf’s breakup.

@k38474859 If he believed you did it then that’s ok because I don’t penalise people for not understanding ocd they don’t have to but maybe they just arnt meant to be with someone who has it and as hard as that is for you, you don’t want to make your ocd worst by trying to convince this person or trying to make yourself feel better because that adds to the reassurance. Coming from someone who got false memories and fears someone will lie about an event i don’t even remember, please please remember who you are to your core because that’s the only bit of truth that you have that’s the only bit of truth OCD can’t take away from you is that. Iv not been on a night out for years and after having my baby all my fears revolve around her being taken away from me which is the the most painful thing ever but when I did Friday I got the worst hangxiety of my life I was so down and anxious for days (baring I mind I went out with my mum and family) mine was regarding people misinterpreting things but non the less the fear level is the same. I can tell you now if that guy lied and took advantage when you was blacked out then he is the one in the wrong and you should never blame yourself, but if something did happen by your own choice then that’s ok your young and you live your life the way you want to you can’t change that you haven’t done anything illegal you arnt a bad person your just someone who’s enjoying their life. Don’t blame yourself you are someone who’s suffers with OCD and you know what if you did it then you did and if you didn’t then that’s your BFs loss you need someone who understands you and understands your struggle and if it’s not him then so be it you deserve happiness and I know you will get it even if that’s on your own, but you never are alone you’ve always got this community don’t forget it.

@MM90 i was very drunk not blacked out so i think id remember if something bad happened. i have not drank like that since and had a panic attack th next time i went to that bar because of the situation. i never suffered rruly with ocd until this event so that is why i cant fathom that its fake. he believed i wouldnt do anything and said amazing things like “its just as likely that u started breakdancing at the bar. ANYTHING could have happened in the times you dont remember” i have not been diagnosed with ocd and some friends im talking to about this say “well that worry has to come from somewhere” which i believe. a few weeks prior i blacked out and felt that hangxiety like i cheated and my friends told me i was talking to a guy all night. i didnt do anything just talked for a long time. but this feels like that day on crack so it feels like something real happened