Existential? Idk :3

Rant! Im not looking for a label for my thoughts. I am just confused and scared by them in general. I am confused why I don’t care that im sabotaging my relationship and hurting my boyfriend in the process. When I go into my hostile mode i reject any form of affection and sometimes communication (I go silent and give the cold shoulder) as a form of punishment and/or to process whats happening or being said. I am trying my best to reject this process of coping with intrusive thoughts and to lean on erp but in another one of my rants i stated how hard it is to come out of this tunnel vision that everything is bad, everything is black and white, im in danger and I need to process/ ruminate why im upset or angry, I need an answer, etc. When all you feel is negative emotions it’s hard to trust outside of what you’re thinking and feeling. I have expressed to my bf that I think I do it as a form of reassurance seeking so I don’t go for it (that hostile form of coping) or at least im more self aware that it’s harmful now. However, recently, I started to do it again. It’s more dull and less reactive/ hostile as im self aware it’s a bad state to be in when I should be doing my erp and moving on but im upset that I still go here and relapse on this compulsion anyway. Even if the severity of it isn’t as intense as before, I don’t want to go to this state of being/mind at all. But I still do? I still think that my lack of affection and presence holds as a form of punishment instead of just trusting my bfs word and moving on, no form of “punishment” or repercussion needed because it’s toxic. I do this because I feel like I need the person to hurt back for “hurting me” which is stupid because I’m trusting an intrusive thought over my bfs feelings and im just hating him or feeling negative towards him over me hurting my own feelings. So you see where I look stupid in this process of coping. 👽 Anyway, I just feel confused and frustrated why I don’t care that im hurting him and sabotaging our relationship. Why I do what I do knowing it’s still bad. I want to trust erp and trust my bf. Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams 🦌

Maryam love

Date posted: Yesterday

I know this feeling of shutting down when your struggling or being triggered by something my soulation to this is take the time off try not to say anything mean to anyone but you can be by yourself while prossening these emotions, when your alone you allow yourself to take a break and maybe see things from a different perspective and then when your ready you comminute with people again. Because time and space is the best healer of intense emotions I hope you will feel good dear I wish you best of luck ❤️

Enthusiast

Date posted: Yesterday

@Maryam love I totally agree, thank you 🤍 When I became self aware that I found this process as reassurance seeking to my boyfriend he has given me two options: 1. He asks if there’s something he can do to help (without reassurance) so maybe that means I could use a hug or want to hold his hand. 2. He asks if I need space. I noticed that when he gives me space i just want him back in my presence for one of two things. 1. I’ve already processed whats happening and im using my erp skills to move forward. 2. I want him back in the room to see me hurting so he feels bad for “hurting” me when in reality im hurting my own feelings over trusting my intrusive thoughts over him. So when I realize that i have not yet pulled myself together to start trusting him and uncertainty, I recognize i just want him in the room for reassurance so I let him give me space and this pattern recognition helps to pull me out of this state🪽

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