Difficulty standing up for myself

My biggest issue with things in my life are not feeling confident in things I want to do and feeling doubtful combined with anxiety. It makes me not want to do a whole lot of things outside of my comfort zone because I either feel I'm not ready for them or I don't deserve them. In the back of my mind, my brain tells me that I've done something in relation to POCD because of porn when I was a teenager and a time I tried to help a minor with OCD. Or that I've committed sexual harassment because of a time I tried to zip up a bag but didn't tuck my arm and it touched someone's behind when really I just didn't want to keep listening to my OCD about how much of a bad person I would be or bad things would happen if I didn't tuck my arm. I thought I would just very slightly brush up contact and it wouldn't matter that much but it just ended up happening in the worst way. I remember how extremely depressed this made me and I just feel like I don't deserve to go on because of these kind of thoughts, memories, and worries. These worries are what keeps me down from really living my life. Another part of this is I feel I need to just have my needs met before I can really carry on in life I also know that I can't keep waiting for things to feel right when I need to do them. Is this a sign of Just Right OCD? Needing my feelings to feel just right in order for me to do someone I really want to? I act on my feelings more than I do my rational and it definitely shows in my anxiety. This stuff holds my back on my dream goals, trying to get experience with relationships, going to school, and just overall being happier and caring a lot less about anxiety. I don't know how to get rid of them. I just try to let them pass. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. Being up at night is a trigger for this for sure.

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

I’ve been spiraling since a workplace incident last Thursday. I had an uncomfortable and tense interaction with a colleague, and it triggered a lot of obsessive rumination. I spent the whole weekend crying, panicking, and replaying everything that happened. Today, I went back to work — and it was really hard. Everyone acted like nothing happened. They joke with him, treat him normally, even though he bullied me and I’m just… sitting there. I didn’t greet him, and he didn’t greet me. I kept to myself, answered questions when I had to, but didn’t socialize. Now I feel scared. Like I’m walking on eggshells. I keep thinking: “What if I say something wrong?” “What if I make a mistake and they say, ‘You see? She’s the problem’? Acting holier than thou & she's a bigot too!" I know this is partly my OCD and trauma talking, but it feels so real. Like I’m one wrong move away from being blamed or alienated. I’ve even started eating lunch in my car to feel safe. I’m trying so hard to hold boundaries, stay professional, and protect my peace. But I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of myself and I’m scared I’ll break. I was already a little on eggshells cause most of my colleagues say or do something bigoted every now & then...my bigotry ocd is always scared that when I don't confront them. I'm condoning it & becoming them. I'm exhausted. I want to work remotely so I can stay isolated from people. I don't think I'll ever heal from this. I feel like this incident is one of those that permanently changes you. Like when my parents & siblings says I'm not the same anymore. I'm more panicked etc.