Feeling like I did something bad

I’m getting gronial responses by listening to an ancient Egyptian podcasts I love ancient history I was listening to one and they were talking about how he got married at such an early age and his wife was around 12 and my head is just hoping for him to say something inappropriate about them and immediately thought that if I wanted to listen to it that meant I was listening to cp and I got gronial responses and I just speed the podcast I had to take my head phones and lay down or eat a chocolate bar because the gronials it’s annoying I can’t even listen to music or do anything with my head phones on Then yesterday I was thinking did I touch my brother? Because when I was laying down I was thinking if I would get disgusted by touching his area it was just a thought because I don’t remember standing up and actually doing it but it’s like I feel like I did

JPPolnareff99

Date posted: 5w

Hey!! This happens to me a lot when I hear stuff like that. What I do (this works for me. It can be different for anyone else), is I honestly just ignore it. Don’t m*sturbate, because it can make it seem that you actually like stuff like that. Don’t watch anything more that you KNOW may have the potential to have that stuff. With your brother, like for example my sister, I just try not to get close. Like, I wouldn’t do anything, but just in case, I just don’t get close to her. You’re a very good person for being worried about this. Actual pedophiles don’t worry about their thoughts.

Idontknow

Date posted: 5w

@JPPolnareff99 Thank you!

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5w

@JPPolnareff99 I’m wondering if some of these are actually avoidance compulsions you might be doing without realizing it? (Preventing yourself from doing your normal activities because your OCD views it as dangerous) We def should spend quality time being close with our siblings and watching things the shows we wanna watch, because they’re not harmful in reality 🫶

JPPolnareff99

Date posted: 5w

@OneDayAtATimee Oh really?? ❤️ So are those bad? If it doesn’t burden you, I’d love you to explain a bit more. Sorry!

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5w

@JPPolnareff99 - If they are an avoidance compulsion then they are bad for your Ocd recovery, yes. And no worries at all! I'm always happy to try to help :) So the Ocd brain often tells us that there's a danger when there isn't one. For example, I used to have Harm ocd and so naturally- I thought, well maybe its the violent TV shows that I watch that could be turning me into a violent person? So I stopped watching those TV shows. But those shows were never an issue for me until my harm ocd episode got triggered. And I wasn't a danger anyways, my Ocd brain was just trying to convince me that I was. But I didn't know this back then so I would avoid violent TV shows. But that wasn't the only trigger. The number of triggers kept increasing and therefore, I had more things to avoid. I had to avoid rooms where my mom was watching the news. Then I had to avoid knives. Then I had to avoid any regular objects that could be sharp (like pencils). Then i felt like I had to stay away from family members so I wouldn't harm them. Then I felt like I had to avoid looking at police cars because it triggered my harm Ocd. The avoidance cycle was never ending because my brain always thought of new things that could make me do harm. My world was shrinking as I avoided more things. Also, I was teaching my brain that all these triggers were a danger because I was trying to avoid them. So my Ocd got worse whenever those triggers did show up. People without Ocd don't have to avoid all these things so why did I? In ERP therapy, my therapist had me be around triggering things on purpose while I resisted doing compulsions. I can share some of my exposures: I watched horror movie Youtube clips. My therapist had me write triggering harm thoughts on purpose like “Yes I could stab my mom.” “Maybe I do want to kill her.” I also had POCD so I watched Pervert park (a documentary about pedophiles). I had to spend time with my baby nephew on purpose, even though I was scared about my POCD intrusive thoughts around him. I also kept a large knife on my table next to my bed for my Harm Ocd. After doing all these things consistently while resisting compulsions, my anxiety died down and I realized that I wasn't a danger after-all. I just had an over-active Ocd brain. Now my world is larger because I stopped avoiding and I can watch whatever harm show I want. I even clean my room while having murder documentaries on for background noise, and I feel just fine. I can also now be as close to my baby nephew as I want with no fear :) I give him hugs and kisses and I feel like a wonderful auntie. Live your life according to your values-based activities. Go towards your scary triggers on purpose. Show your brain that you’re not afraid anymore. Don't let Ocd stop you from living the life you want <3 I also found a great article from Nocd that can explain avoidance super throughly for you guys: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/do-you-use-avoidance-as-a-compulsion

Summ3r_

Date posted: 5w

I have these thoughts too sometimes especially when I hear stories on the news or like CRAZYYY stories like a 40 year old man dating an 18 year old or smth (example) and for me I know that’s gross and weird but I always get the first thought of what if I think it’s okay? or maybe if I see what the girl looks like and validate the guy for doing that?? it feels extremely real. another thing for me personally is that today I also had this one instance where this lady was crossing the road and she looked cool like pretty yk? but then for some reason I had the urge to look at her weirdly and couldn’t tell if it was genuine curiosity, I just liked how her outfit looked on her, or maybe it all those thoughts did count as creepy. ocd will take every detail, everything you do and every thought and put together a narrative. and it becomes so real in your head because I always fall for them too. it’s all so confusing when you’re constantly bombarded with things you don’t want to feel or wish you didn’t feel or think or do. you’re not alone, I’ve felt like I was a creep for years and sometimes feel like I make myself and others uncomfortable. it’s very draining but I’m here if you need to talk or relate.

Idontknow

Date posted: 5w

@Summ3r_ Omg fr I get those urges too it’s so odd Does it make your head hurt too? You’re 18+ right? I don’t want to be weird

dee012

Date posted: 17w

pocd real event :(

feels like I violated a family friends son who is 10 years old because I was holding a kitty on my lap and they were scratching under the cats chin and I went to scratch under the cats chin as well but we ended up touching hands bc we were both scratching under but like I didn’t care bc I was just like awww kitty or whatever but then when we touched hands and he moved his hand away it freaked me out like I did something bad or violated him. It felt like I cupped and grazed his hand because I went to scratch under the cats chin but he was doing so as well. And when he moved his hand away it like slid past my hand and it just made me feel like I did something weird. Some people would be able to do this and not freak out and even continue scratching under the cats chin with the little boy and not care but I care and it’s making me feel really weird and bad. And also him moving his hand away when I touched it makes me feel like I did something bad. This all happened in a span of a literal second and I just want to disappear

Idontknow

Date posted: 9w

18+ help me

I was on YouTube looking for saw traps I scenes and I see a saw 5 playlist and I was a bit horny because I was thinking of the guy I’m talking to and it’s like what if the playlist had inappropriate stuff on kids and I got arosal and then I got worried and went to see if there was stuff on kids there The gronial response gets intense I felt arousal because of the idea I might find content of kids there I think I’m a p how is this ocd I get worried when I open playlists or images because I’m going to think there’s inappropriate stuff and I don’t want to accidentally see it and I feel guilty afterwards I feel like I also touched my brother inappropriately I asked if I ever did anything he said no but what if he thinks it’s not wrong or he’s not telling me the truth

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

Distressed 18+

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

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Feeling like I did something bad

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