OCD or intuition?

I’m scared people are using me for their personal gain and that no one on this earth will ever view me as an actual person. I don’t want to be someone’s friend/girlfriend/wife because they’re lonely, I want to be in their life because they actually like me and VALUE me. I don’t know the difference between my instinct and my ocd sometimes. I think I tend to make sound judgements and usually perceive others accurately to the truth of who they really are; but now im scared to do this because what if im proved wrong once again, wasted my time, and ignored signs I should’ve noticed all along? I cannot make this mistake again. I can’t trust another person again to the point where I think if they compliment me, talk to me, or make an effort to know me, they’re only doing it for a transactional, convenient purpose. They must want something from me that is something superficial/benefits only them, not a real or authentic connection. My brain is telling me they must all be lying to me because they pity me, and think im dumb or naive. This is not how I feel about my relationships with people, this is how my ocd thinks others perceive me. I feel like im getting punished over and over again for making past mistakes and God is sending me people who don’t actually like/love me to teach me a lesson. I can’t fucking stand it anymore. I wish I could trade lives with someone who doesn’t think this way. I don’t understand what I did to deserve the weirdest/meanest people come into my life and fuck my perception of humanity even more than how I viewed it before. Can someone tell me why I even care this much about it? What do I do? Why does this happen?? I’m crying and im so embarassed im even posting this. We have such small amounts of time on earth and my head sabotages me to hate every minute of it. I want it to stop

FiddyK

Date posted: 3d

I have had similar feelings before. A lot of my ocd started when I was young and my best friend rejected me to be friends with other "popular" people at a new school. He pretended to not know me in school but then wanted to hangout outside of school. Really messed me up for a while. It led to me having fear of that happening with my now ex. It really sucks but you can't blame yourself for shitty people mistreating you. What they do is on them, not you. They are probably insecure about themselves and take it out on others. That's what my best friend at the time did to me. Thats what my ex did years later. My friend hated his life and felt ashamed of where he came from and took it out of his childhood friends. He saw a chance to start over and took it. Again, you are not the problem! Keep trying to meet people but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Gmoki

Date posted: 3d

@FiddyK I’m so, so sorry that happened to you. I know that feeling too well, unfortunately. Thank you so much for sharing, you’re so kind and I appreciate it sm. I feel like an actual loser. I can’t help but blame myself if someone turns out to be a bad person and I misread them or didn’t question them enough. OCD keeps making me question “what if im the problem and I misread a situation entirely?” Or “am I selfish for thinking about this, this much?” My brain is fried honestly

JediMJ

Date posted: 3d

@FiddyK I’m so glad you figured out you weren’t the problem. I can only imagine how hard it was for younger you to be ignored by your friend. Thanks for sharing.

wafflemonster

Date posted: 3d

Girl bye, we have the same OCD bitch living in our heads BECAUSE I HAVE THE SAME THOUGHTS. The best thing my therapist told me was that our OCD targets not only our closest relationships but our biggest mistakes to keep us fearful. To keep us under its thumb of control. I had something awful happen to me too from someone I thought I could trust that knew and valued me. I was wrong, and I paid the price. That event haunted me for years. My ocd always reminded me about it and caused so many complusions of checking my relationships, I still do it today. It sucks but using non engagement helped me the best. I always think “sure I could be emotionally abused rn in my relationship” or “yeah maybe they are talking about me behind my back” but there is truly NOTHING we can do about it. No amount of checking or assessing will change how other people act. We will make mistakes. We will misjudge situations. But nevertheless, we will continue to love others because that is who we are. Sit into your values and hold strong in them. The actions of others will always speak more about them than they do you. You didn’t do anything. We were born with OCD. Or trained into it. Be compassionate to yourself, and keep your OCD in its place. Even saying, “Thanks ocd, but I’ll make my own decisions in mistakes”. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole.

Gmoki

Date posted: Yesterday

@wafflemonster Hi omg I’m so sorry for getting to this now. ILY this is amazing😭🥹. It actually makes so much sense that it does that!!!! I literally thought I was the only one that thinks this way. I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be mistreated like that :(. Exactly, I engage in so many checking behaviors to relieve some of the anxiety but I’m always left feeling worse than before. I hate it, I’m so embarrassed. I wonder if this happens because OCD is afraid of the same things from our past happening to us again, so it’s trying to protect us by doing this ridiculous ritual. I love what you said “sit into your values and hold strong in them. The actions of others say more about themselves them than they do you.” I always get thoughts like “what if I’m the person that’s wrong in this situation and I don’t realize it?”, or I always blame myself and apologize for things excessively. Ugh, I hate it. It feels like everyone else can live their lives without this guilt. I also feel selfish for even talking about myself this much. I wanna try my best to really take and apply what you said. Thank you so so much ❤️

JediMJ

Date posted: 3d

I always appreciate your authenticity and how you’re trying to figure things out. You wrote, “…I want to be in their life because they actually like me and VALUE me.” And my question is, “Do you like and value you?” I don’t think I wholeheartedly liked and valued myself until the past few years. I think I put up with other people’s bad behavior because I didn’t think that I deserved better. And I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I was always trying to keep the peace and/or make other people happy. I think the more we value ourselves, the less likely we are to be around people who treat us badly. It’s no longer tolerable. And maybe that’s not you. And it is confusing when your OCD doubts are involved. Keep cultivating that “inner knowing.” I’m learning to recognize mine. It feels solid, not uncertain. I know OCD can mess with us, but sometimes things feel off and it’s not from that uncertain anxiety, but that “gut feeling.” It feels like “truth.” And the last thought I have is to just be around people who are good for your nervous system, people you can be yourself and feel relaxed around. 🙂

Gmoki

Date posted: Yesterday

@JediMJ Hi - wow, thank you SO much!! 🥹Im so sorry I’m just replying to this now. Thank you so much for the compliment, I sincerely appreciate it. Do I like and value myself? Honestly, I’m so incredibly mean to myself. I have a lot of pent up self hatred I’m trying to work on undoing. It just feels like there’s this barrier between me and getting to where I want to be. Something keeps blocking me internally from letting any positivity in. Right now, I have these voices going “you’re selfish for talking about yourself this much”, “these are normal thoughts and you need to stop making it a big deal”. Another big one is “what if when you become fully accepting of yourself you’ll have a false perception and think you’re more important than what you are/live a life where you’re lying?” It’s that perfectionism, whether it’s in my appearance or personality. At the same time though, I don’t want to change these qualities about myself to fit in, I just want them to be better than what they are if that makes sense, like; going to the gym consistently, stopping the people pleasing, stopping the negativity, over apologizing for everything and making it seem like I’m always in the wrong, stopping hyper analyzing my appearance and convincing myself I’m ugly and unloveable. You’re so correct - right now, I’m where your old self was. I take everything so personally and to heart. I just feel lost, I guess. I just turned 20 in April and I feel like a toddler trying to do adult things. I feel super behind and like my goals are so far away. Anyway though, I’m just babbling now haha. You don’t know how much I appreciate you and your comments and always willing to give me advice. You are amazing thank you so much.

JediMJ

Date posted: 19h

@Gmoki The fact that you are aware of these things and working on them is amazing. I have no doubt that you will find your way and your confidence will grow. I didn’t get an overinflated view of myself…I got a realistic view of myself. All my critical thoughts were making me focus on the things I didn’t like about myself and I kinda missed all of my good qualities. I’m still the same person…I just have a more balanced view. I still have hard days where I’m annoyed with myself, but in general, I really like who I am. Wishing the same for you. 🙂

Hyades

Date posted: 18w

OCD Teaming Up With A Real Life Bad Experience.. Help?

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.

frannyb

Date posted: 16w

I can't do this anymore

I can't live with OCD anymore. It's ruining my life. I feel like I'm being constantly bullied in my own mind all day everyday. I don't know if what I think and feel is ever real or normal or okay, what is me and what is the OCD thoughts. I don't know if any of my experiences are normal. I'm exhausted from picking apart every single conversation I ever have with anyone until I'm strung out by a vague and ambiguous feeling of guilt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and feeling scared all the time and not knowing why and having my brain spin me out on an endless spiralling train of thoughts that never goes anywhere and just makes me feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what I feel and if what I feel is normal or if anything I am doing is real and actually me or if I'm 'losing my mind.' I don't even know if this makes any sense. I get into these states of mind where every thought in my head and everything I feel and perceive makes me question my own sanity. I don't know if anyone likes me because I have absolutely no concept of what I am actually like. I feel completely lost and confused CONSTANTLY.

eggees!!

Date posted: 12w

handling seeking reassurance in relationship ocd?

hi! i often fear im going to lose my job because i made a “mistake” (not really) that my manager caught and is waiting to tell me about or i fear im going to be kicked off the roster of a team im on for small mistakes that everyone makes. this often compels me to ask those people if i did good or not and gauge their reactions to see if theyre going to remove me and i fall into a cycle of asking and asking. how do you guys deal with these feelings / compulsions? when im flaring i often just spend as much time around these people as possible to gather “evidence” of their opinion on me, but then i get nervous that they hate me for being clingy. i also abandon other duties / tasks so i can spend time with these people to make sure they like me. what do you guys do? anyone else experience the sentiment?

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