Trying to be positive.

For years I’ve been struggling with trying to put together a routine for myself. I always end up filling my time with things that pertain to others. I see my friends all day, I like to see my boyfriend a lot (even though it’s only a weekend to weekend thing), and I’ll scroll social media. When I go on social media I tend to look at people who is no longer in my life. With this, I’ve come to a realization recently that I’ve put others over my own needs. I barely take my meds regularly because I feel like I’m constantly busy at peoples events, hanging out, or work. I don’t want kids but I’ve grown up in a family the idolizes the nuclear lifestyle despite not having it, and my boyfriend wants kids, so I feel like I’ve put myself in a position to lose my idea of what I want. Sometimes I don’t even know if I want to be with a man. I feel sometimes that people will leave me if I just do what will work for me. I could put down my drink and I think of how it will affect others, not myself. I’ve always wanted to travel and get out but I know my boyfriend wants to stay with his family so I put it on the back burner. I’ve started to get anxious about me losing out on my life and what I want to do. It makes me think I’ve always lost out on so many opportunities. I want to try to start small. Making sure I have a good routine for myself that I won’t break and then try to apply that discipline to the rest of my life. I’m just not sure how.

TW: suicidal Constantly fixated on the fact of helping people. I’m always doing compulsions like checking social medias to see if people need help etc, it’s exhausting cause I’m so sad I’m unable to help everyone. I just don’t know what to do and if I’m being entirely honest it’s making me not wanna be here anymore. I’m afraid that if i walk away from my phone for even 5 minutes someone will be in need and in danger and I want be there to help therefore it’s my fault etc. how can i cope with this? Obviously I want to help people but I wanna do it in different ways

I was going to ask for advice and vent after i just had an episode but reading through everyones post on here. I can see that everyone is collectively struggling at the moment and i think we need to utilize this community for more than just sharing our sadness. Nothing is wrong with venting of course but i feel like there isnt enough positive energy here to encourage everyone to keep going. I know asking for reassure feels like a must sometimes and trust me everyone has asked for it, it was a heavy compulsion of mine. But reassure is not what you need. It will make it worse everyone please trust me. Instead of letting out mind win we must support each other, understand our struggles but also share out wins. I feel like we dont use this community enough for finding friendship among us or spreading enough happiness. OCD Is not a happy disorder but seeing that everyone here is just here either hating on someone, people being too afraid to ask for help or no one reading peoples post. This place isnt just for our negative thoughts and events to fester we need to support each other here too! Ask for help, comment on peoples post with love everyone is struggling. In this community we should help pull each other out from dark places not let them stay there. I hope everyone who is going through it right has a better night/day/afternoon. You’re loved deeply your not a monster, your not evil, your not dirty, your not a heretic your Nothing your thoughts tell you are. Peace to you🤍🤍🤍🤍