I’m so scared. I’m sorry for trauma dumping

I’m so scared. I don’t even know who to talk to at this point. I started having sexual OCD thoughts recently about people that I don’t want to and I’m terrified. I recently had a psych ward stay (voluntary) for a very stressful life event and now I have this. I’m currently staying with my parents while I go through an outpatient program and they have no idea about the OCD. I live in Ohio. I’m afraid I’ll have to go inpatient again. I’m unemployed and currently am on Medicaid but have a lot of savings from lucky investments. I can’t get a NOCD therapist because I’m on Medicaid and also because I’m in an outpatient program. I’m afraid I’m too far gone and crazy now. I’m just laying in my bedroom at my parents’ house and crying. I don’t know what to do.

Username: djfloriodjflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w ago

No need to apologize. Sounds like you're in a rough transition situation. Having OCD can feel incredibly lonely, because you can't imagine that other people know what you're experiencing or would ever understand you. I remember when I had my first big suicidal OCD episode many years ago, and having absolutely no idea how to explain to my mom that I was afraid of killing myself. It didn't even make sense to me (this was before I knew anything about OCD too). I'd spent many many hours of my adult live curled up in the fetal position and crying because I was so overwhelmed with fear from my thoughts. Everything from the fear of suicide, to the fear of going crazy, to existential dread, to sexual obsessions...I get it. I know it sounds cliche, but please know that you are not alone. Trust me. I might not know exactly what you're experiencing, but there are many that do. My advice, if you can't see a therapist right now, is to get familiar with how OCD works, as well as ERP (exposure response prevention), which is the currently most widely-accepted medication-free treatment for it. There is a very helpful YouTube channel by a therapist named Nathan Peterson called "OCD and Anxiety." It has a lot of great, short videos that can help explain what's going on and how to deal with it. Do a deep dive into mindfulness training. It isn't just fluff. It has many many proven benefits, including the ability to see past the thoughts and stories the mind creates. All of this stuff we go through is fueled by resistance, and an unwillingness to feel even the slightest uncomfortable emotion. It's all about training yourself to focus on the present moment, no matter what it feels like. You will learn that you can handle much more than you think you can.

Username: aliengurlaliengurl

Date posted: 17w ago

I agree Nathan Peterson has a lot of great videos. There was also another YouTuber named Mark Freeman. The book "overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts" is quite helpful too. I've been trying to do more ERP but it sure is hard.

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

@djflorio Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I think I will tell the people at my outpatient program tomorrow. I am struggling hard and have not had a good night’s sleep in over a month.

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

@aliengurl Thank you so much. I wish I could add friends on here because I sure appreciate the helpful responses here

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

@djflorio I will check out those videos. I just hope I can feel good again at some point, you know?

Username: aliengurlaliengurl

Date posted: 17w ago

@andyman738 It's good that you are getting the help you need. My nurse practitioner told me if I have trouble sleeping I could take Benadryl as it makes people drowsy and generally safe. Please confirm that with whoever your prescriber is or maybe ask for other alternatives just to hold you over until you feel better.

Username: aliengurlaliengurl

Date posted: 17w ago

Do not be terrified. (Easier said than done) You have a medical condition called ocd that causes you to have intrusive thoughts that are distressing. Would you ever consider opening up to your parents? It may help you to feel relieved as to know you have a support system behind you. You don't have to tell them specifics other than you are struggling and need support. Also, have you had any luck with medication? Sending prayers & hope to you.

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

@aliengurl My program recently put me on Risperdal. I’m not sure it’s working but maybe it is helping a bit

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

Sorry this was so dramatic.

Username: andyman738andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

@andymulach A lot of emotions came out that had been pent up

Username: BigGyro09

Date posted: 24w ago

I'm really scared now

I'm just not doing alright at the moment. The thoughts keep on showing up. They keep on haunting me. I keep getting thoughts that say I'm really not a good person. Or that I have ulterior motives that are against who I am. Like if I'm a pedo or if I'm a sex offender, or an abuser. Or just not a good friend. I can't sit with them any longer. I just want medication to help me with this, even if it feels like I don't deserve to have it. I keep thinking about how even though I was uncomfortable talking to a 17 year old when I was 19 about their OCD, I still went anyway and helped them. Why did I do that? Was it some kind of exposure? Or when I was in the awkward position of someone passing by a tight space and their behind touched my elbow. I had thoughts saying to move it and not to move it and I didn't think I needed to because it wouldn't happen or it was just because I was zipping my bag up in the moment. But since it did happen, now I think I'm a deviant or a dangerous person. Or the thoughts talking about my exposure to porn as a teenager and doing very impulsive, cringe worthy things in relation to the whole exposure. The things I've watched, seen, or heard of. It all disturbs me very much and I can't take any of them back. Last time in therapy I just ended up crying because I just can't deal with this anymore. I'm even scared to try and get my family on board with medication. I'm just afraid they'll be bad at me if I do take it. At the same time though, I don't know if I care that much because it's either that or I just keep going through the days like.. this. I don't want to keep this up anymore. I just want a way out. I just want my life back. Right now it feels like I'll never get it back and it feels like all of what my intrusive thoughts say to me is true.

Username: AnonUser

Date posted: 20w ago

Tired of living in fear and questioning everything

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

Username: andyman738

Date posted: 17w ago

Anyone else afraid of institutionalization?

Hi everyone. I already went to the psych ward last month for the first time for four days for reasons unrelated to OCD. Now, I’m having my first ever major OCD episode/flareup/? and if you recognize me you already know my issue. I’m having weird sexual thoughts about my parents. Not really any way to sugarcoat it. Also with some harm OCD sprinkled in. I’m currently in a 6 day per week outpatient program and I’m considering telling them I’m really losing my mind. They might drug me up, throw me in inpatient again (have no idea how helpful that would be lol) and I just don’t see a positive future for me. Does anyone have any words of encouragement, or could possibly connect with me? This might be dramatic, but on top of my anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, this might be too much for me. Genuinely.

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I’m so scared. I’m sorry for trauma dumping

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