I had a scary suicidal ocd attack.

What do you do when nothing feel right. Like for example I feel like everything triggers me, everything feels weird, sounds, actions, my room. I feel like i will go insane any second and I cant enjoy anything, I cant be happy about my upcoming new job or events. I have OCD about me having shizhophrenia and omg it has ruined my life, it has only been about 3 weeks, but it has got me complitely. I want my old self back and I am scared that my loved one will leave me bc i am not getting better. I really want a new theme as funny it sounds, because even 2 years ago harm OCD was't this hard. I feel like something in me is changing, but i dont want it 😭 I will start therapy in the end of August and I just started taking medication. But for now I cant imagine this stopping and I fear that it will go downhill from this, i cant see me doing better, because if i have a good day I rember how i felt yesterday or when I had a panic attack and I cant get enough of it, i always remember those feelings and I start to worry about it over and over again.

I write this down to vent and because i see something that bothers me alot. I searched here "suicidal ocd" to not write a post and see what advices others get and i didnt found same problems and the ones i found were actually my old posts. All of the other posts were different to mine, all were the same worrying, and mine was like its more than suicidal ocd. Im dealing with depression now because of a current life event and i see that after waking up i get worse and thats when fear attacks me. In the pain i got hit by "i cant deal with this i will end my life" thought, and it was intrusive, i was feeling so bad after it. But for me it feels like it was a real thought cause of the situation, you know, i was in pain and i felt like i cant handle it and i want relief. But i dont want to kms... and i see people talking about suicidal ideation, how they have both and it scares me that mine feels more similar to that then suicidal ocd. I keep feel like it comes back time after time cause i dont work on it or accept it that im having suicidal thoughts and i need to work on them...it feels so hard to accept im thinking about suicide. Always i think about when my therapist said its real ideation cause i want to escape from pain but i developed ocd over it...i just dont want to accept that. If its reassurance seeking than just tell me that ocd can be like this or send me videos or something were people talk about this,cause i dont know if it can be like this. I just see myself sharing these kind of posts. I dont know what to do, i even tried to accept it as real before, i couldnt handle it... but even the therapist telling me things... i just cant get over it

This theme always hits me the worst. It causes the most anxiety and panic. And when i’m finally doing good again it all spirals back. my panic attacks are unreal again. sometimes i get so bad my Xanax won’t even stop the anxiety. These thoughts scare the living shit out of me and cause me to have terrible depression. Recently they have been back. What if this what if that, and sometimes they aren’t even what ifs, it’s more like a demand and they terrifies me. I’ve once again gave into my compulsions and put anything and everything that cause me anxiety into my kitchen so i can feel safe. This theme scares me because it makes me feel like i want to do it or i am going to do it when i don’t. These thoughts consume me. They even say “well do you wanna live like this what if it is the easier way out”. I don’t want to hurt myself and i’m truly a happy person i’m just not understanding these thoughts and why they cause me this much pain. I’m tired if the constant panic attacks and freaking out because of it. My mind goes “what if you have ideation and not OCD”when i clearly have been diagnosed with it. I just need tips and advice i don’t want to live like this forever i’m only 17.