I feel like I deserve it

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

I need to find a solution fast to stop this way I’m living but I don’t think it’s possible, I’m in a constant state of pain from being tormented with guilt and warped memories. I know some of the memories to be true and some are all jumbled together so they get warped. It kills me to not know if I’m evil or not , I’m always thinking of the bad things I did when I was like 13 and didn’t know much about what’s truly right and wrong. I just feel like such a bad bad person , I don’t want any form of relationships at all because then I’ll have to confess everything bad I believe I’ve done or else I’m lying to them about who I am. I don’t really want therapy because I’m not confessing these memories or thoughts to a stranger especially because I’m only 16 and very socially awkward so I won’t be able to open up about this at all. I keep most of all of this in secrecy because I know nothing truly gets rid of the guilt. I also don’t allow myself any sympathy anymore because I just think I don’t deserve that either because evil people don’t deserve any empathy , it’s so hard to live with this. I just needed to get this off my chest since I’ve got no one to talk too