Can Someone Respond?

I’m extremely sad right now. I’m going through some life altering events and I’m really scared, heartbroken, and angry. I don’t use social media so I’m putting it here. I hope that’s ok. I can’t really talk to my usual people about all of it because they’re going through some of the same stuff and I don’t want to overwhelm them by piling on with the other stuff I’m experiencing too. My mom is 51 years old and she has stage 4 cervical cancer. It has progressed significantly over the past few months. I’m really really scared. I’m scared to face the reality of it and I’m scared for my dad if she doesn’t make it. He loves her more than anything in this world. She’s everything to him. She’s been the most supportive person in my life. I’m not ready to lose my momma. I’m losing my marriage. My high school sweetheart. Time, life stress, our traumas, selfishness, etc. have pulled us so far apart that I don’t think it can be repaired. My heart aches and I just wish I could love her and make her love me like we used to. When no one believed we would make it. But we knew we could do it anyway. I hurt so badly. I just want to feel hope again in my life. I want to go to sleep for a million years, and then wake up and have love and time and all my beautiful things again. I’m so sorry for everything.

I feel like opening up about something. I would wake up everyday not knowing what to do in life. I have no motivation to talk with friends, or I would isolate myself from family, because I don’t want to be awkward around anybody and I just don’t think I’m that interesting to be around. I would be mean to myself in anyway possible. I once went to the comfort of my childhood and I would roleplay as characters of my childhood. But now I feel myself growing up and becoming an adult, and I’ve been experiencing grief of no longer being in my childhood. Having freestyle fun with my friends and family was the best I’ve ever felt. But now it’s all gone now. Now I’m stuck with feeling not open minded to anything and thinking that no one cares about me, I won’t have fun or be happy anymore, and I’m a nobody. I would even have scary thoughts about “Doing it” but I’m never planning to. I just feel like there is nothing to do anymore and I shouldn’t look back on the great childhood I had.

I’m starting to feel like recovery is not possible. I want to love my boyfriend again. I want to be with him forever. The pain in my chest is becoming unbearable. The headache I have everyday is becoming unbearably exhausting. Losing this relationship will be the biggest regret of my life but I’m also scared that staying will be the biggest regret of my life.