Question for those with ROCD

@berryblood It’s so hard, and the guilt/shame that comes from doing compulsions and obsessive thoughts make it even harder… thanks for making me feel less alone 😊

@SadUnicorn3 i totally get that. i’ve been having so much trouble with my shame/guilt. it’s so so hard, but i promise you are definitely not alone and it’s just the stupid ocd!!

@obsessivequeer He understands to the best of his ability… I think he maybe meant just try not to do that because he knows it doesn’t help me and he wants me to atleast try not to. I wish it was as simple as just not doing compulsions…

@whereismymind IM SO SORRY FOR WRITING A WHOLE AUTOBIOGRAPHY i just feel so much empathy for you and everyone who’s been going through the same thing that i’ve been going through too ! i really hope that what i’ve said can bring some relief in any way <3

@whereismymind I remember when I first experienced these thoughts and was so scared , thinking no one else experienced that so yes coming into a community of people who actually understand and go through the same or similar experiences make you feel so validated and less alone. I just want to say, though I am guilty of still confessing, confessions are a compulsion that makes ocd worse and I always try and remind myself I CANNOT take back anything I’ve “confessed” to him, I have damaged him and our relationship because even tho he trusts me and knows I have a disorder, hearing those types of thoughts can really mess with someone’s brain and start to make them doubt things too… or even worse you could potentially trigger your partner and they could develop ocd. So though we think it helps and brings relief at the time, that is only temporary. The only way we can break free is to stop doing compulsions, some things you may not even realise are compulsions and are keeping you in the OCD loop. All I can say aswell is my partner has heard thousands upon thousands of hours of confessions/talking about ocd/reading paragraphs of confessions from me. And what I’m going to advise is that you try and protect your boyfriend from this illness. It lies to you and then you’re voicing them out loud, I understand how hard it is because I think confession is my biggest compulsion, but me and my partner have actually broken up and been close to breaking up many times, we share a child together too which has probably been the glue that’s kept us together at times, not that we don’t love eachother but I’m telling you it takes a toll on them eventually… losing him was one of the most heartbreaking 6-8 weeks of my life, because I knew I could have avoided so much damage to both of us by trying my best to deal with it on my own. Remember that nomatter what the thought, it’s all a byproduct of OCD. And OCD needs to be treated by professionals because it’s so complex. You are not alone and I totally get how hard it is to not confess, but you have to weigh up what’s more important, the temporary relief you feel from the reassurance your partner gives you, or actually getting better and healing/fucking off OCD. Hope this is helpful for you too

@SadUnicorn3 yes yes yes !! you actually put that in perspective for me, that i can’t take what i say back. that was a huge eye-opener, so thank you <3 and i’m so so sorry to hear that ocd has caused you both to separate. that happened to my last relationship. i completely understand the pain, guilt, and regret you must’ve felt, and how insignificant those intrusive thoughts you felt like confessing seemed after the damage was done. i hope you both are in a stable position now even with ocd obviously being the ugly uninvited third party, and that one day soon, your mind can finally neutralize your own compulsions and find new pathways to block them out

@whereismymind Sometimes it helps hearing that from someone that understands - BUT, I still need to put these words into practice myself and stop doing compulsions. Especially confessing because I know it hurts him, and has done more damage than I ever intended. It’s okay, we both needed some time to heal and fix ourselves, I just feel guilt because this is one thing I promised I’d stop was confessing to him. But even me confessing to my mum is still bad because it’s keeping ocd in the loop. We need to actually have an IDGAF attitude to our thoughts as scary as they are and confusing at times. Just treat it like it’s an annoying neighbour yelling out dumb shit. We love eachother but I feel that things are going down hill again, he made it clear to me if I say one more thing about someone from my past he will walk out the door and won’t come back, I don’t know if he wouldn’t come back or if he would but why would I want to risk that. I’m hoping when I start my meds that they may help me, alongside therapy/doing my own therapy exposures etc. Good luck on your journey, I’m so sorry you experience this illness aswell as everyone else who does.

@SadUnicorn3 god yes we need to have the same forceful attitude that ocd shows us too. and yeah that ultimatum you said he gave you even gives me anxiety :( my hope for you is that it doesn’t go down that route and maybe that’s just him being extreme. but i also hope that you will learn how to live peacefully alongside the ocd. and by the way, medication (i’m on luvox and gabapentin) has helped me TREMENDOUSLY even when i thought it wouldn’t !! so i wish you good luck on your own journey too, and know that everything WILL improve in due time.

@whereismymind Yes 100%. It gave me anxiety too but I actually understand where he’s coming from, because I put myself in his shoes and thought I would feel so fkn hurt hearing those things even if I understood ocd was out of his control if he suffered with it. We will probably never break up and if we did then we would find our way back to eachother I think, but I don’t want to go through that heartbreak again and I’m sure he doesn’t either so I know I need to try my absolute hardest to get better. I have heard stories of people fully recovering though they say that’s not possible there are people out there who were like us or even worse and they brought themself out of it and no longer experiences any ocd at all. I am honestly hoping this medication can help me, but I’m always scared to try them because of side effects. But thank you so much 😊