Help me please I beg of you

I have no idea if this is just OCD and I’m actually just straight or i was in denial my whole life. Now it feels so scary, i feel like im realizing my true self, that ive always been gay, that im just using SO-OCD as a cover up. IT FEELS SO REAL. I even feel like others with SO-OCD dont experience this feeling and i must experience something different. Its literally a feeling like an urge to admit myself that I’m gay and it even feels like i know im gay and i was using OCD as a cover up for 6 years. I cant even describe that feeling. When i try to imagine myself with a girl in my mind it makes me feel like i like that thought like i want it😔 It feels all very very real. I think you guys with SOOCD have different feelings and you actually have OCD. I dont want these thoughts. I dont want to be gay, i dont want to feel this. But maybe i was my whole life in denial. 😭😭

content warning: talks of explicit acts and fear of cheating or attraction to another person I had a dream yesterday about breaking up with my boyfriend and now I had a dream I cheated on him. They scared me but I've realized that they don't really mean anything. I only am freaking out again because while I was self pleasuring earlier, I was thinking of my partner and watching him until I had an intrusive thought someone I just saw in a tik tok and that got me there. im so scared because I didn't mean to let my mind slip and I really feel like I need to talk to my partner about this because i feel so guilty and I know something like this would hurt me if the situation was flipped so I don't know what to do. why did I like the thought so much to that point??? how do I convince myself I don't need to tell my partner even though the guilt is setting in and it feels so wrong? I feel ashamed and unfaithful and terrible I hate that this happened how I do know what to do what if it wasn't an intrusive thought and I enjoyed it even though I tried to change my thoughts?

Why is my brain telling me that I wouldn’t mind being a p, that I could live with it and be fine with it, and I am really a p because my situation is too unique…. I didn’t agree with it but I allowed myself to think about this, and it just made me feel like I did agree to it. I’m worried that I’m lying to myself, I really don’t want to turn to into this person, my WHOLE LIFE i was attracted to older people and never ever felt this way until now (false attraction) it makes me so convinced and it puts me in a dark space. It’s hard to think right now.