How do I explain my ROCD to my partner?

It’s early days but she’s picking up on my intense anxiety surrounding the early stages of connection and has vocalized confusion about what I am feeling. I like her a lot but I get more scared the more feelings I get for her. I have tried to explain and told her about my ocd very broadly from date 1 but she doesn’t seem to compute what it actually means to deal with it. She’s trying to relate and saying she has dealt with similar doubts and that self confidence helps a lot and I need to work on that. I don’t disagree and I see how she makes that connection but that advice and reasoning is not something that is particularly helpful to someone with my particular mental disorder. She vocalized she wants us both to be “doing the work” when it comes to working on ourselves and I didn’t love the way that came across. It’s dismissive of all the work I am doing even to show up and what I go home to after we hang out. I have been in treatment for so long and I am back in dating and going through this knowing that this anxiety was coming for me. I’m in the thick of it right now and willing to put up with these feelings because we are very compatible and she’s worth it but also - and more importantly - I am worth it. This is part of my journey and it’s been hard earned. It’s okay if this is not something she has the capacity to navigate at this stage in her life. We both are respectful adults with a lot going for us. I’m not looking for a savior, I’m not looking for a parent figure to look out for me. I just want some patience and and presence even in those moments when ocd has me in a death grip. I love myself and am so proud of myself for opening up to vulnerability in this way. It’s a dialog I want to open up because if this is something that can grow into a meaningful connection, this will help get us there. Alternatively, it’ll help us both know if this dynamic is something we have the capacity and patience for at this stage of our lives. Both are okay. I respect her and she respects me. I’m doing the hard thing.

MariaNOCD

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

I talked to my fiancé about ocd but never rocd. Because my thoughts are this... rocd tells us all kinds of hurtful things even that we dont like our partner at times when we are triggered. Sharing that I think would hurt him because he doesnt understand ocd from a first hand point of view. So even with experiencing rocd I never shared the thoughts because my ocd bully is a liar. I just told him Im having a hard day or my ocd is really bothering me today. Im working on it. I told him ocd tries to attack me in every way it can by attacking what I love but I'm in therapy and working on it every day. And now after really focusing on my therapy and doing the hard work, I'm a lot better with dealing with those "junk mail" thoughts now. And I spared his feelings in that process.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14h

My partner asks me what he can do to help with rocd. I simply tell him its something I need to work on myself. Or if he tries to relate I say that's not helpful or I don't need the reassurance cuz it just feeds into the ocd. Its a really fine line and balancing act. Which im still HEAVILY working on. Rocd is terrible. And in the early stages relationship sucks. Helpful things for my partner I tell them when they want to help Not relating to my struggle (its not helpful) Not laying it thick on the reassurance (sometimes helpful temporarily but feeds into the compulsion so ultimately not helpful) I try to say these things nicely if its in the moment but im pretty blunt. Its also hard to tell what you need in the moment. I mostly try and keep as much privacy with my rocd thoughts to myself because sharing them with my partner most times is a Compulsion. So keeping it vague is better for me. Sometimes people saying that really sucks is more helpful than trying to reassure or relate. Rocd sucks though for sure!

Anonymous

Date posted: 14h

Oh also explaining the ocd loop i think helped my partner too. I have a thought, the thought keeps spinning, I get uncomfortable, then I have the compulsion. And resisting Compulsions takes a lot of mental energy so at the end of the day of doing challenging exposures I am fried.

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