Feeling like therapists aren't getting it

I want to apply to graduate school to become a therapist. I have been thinking about this for 3 years and Im in the field already. I have experience, a high undergrad gpa, reccomendators in mind. However, I am so irrationally anxious about it all. Like I am afraid to ask for recommendations because I fear being judged for changing my mind a lot, being rejected, being ignored. And I have this fear that im going to do all this work and then regret my decisions once I actually become a therapist. The applications are due in 3 months, but Im too anxious to even start. I told two therapists that I am looking for exposure and to sit with uncertainty in this is what happened: First ERP therapist told me that my anxiety is normal and I should maybe consider other options (which I have for years) I decided to take initiative and write down an exposure script about everything I am anxious about. When I showed my script to another ERP therapist, she told me that OCD is a liar. Then, she had me go through the evidence as to why my fears aren't true (like one of my fears is that one of my reccomendators is going to judge me because I didn't respond to him because of ocd intrusive thoughts, but he has supported me professionally non-judgementally for years). She said that people become anxious when things are big, uncertain and matter to them. She even reassured me that it seems like I will get in (reassuring me is the opposite of ERP, and getting accepted isn't my fear, im actually pretty confident about it.. but im not confident about starting the application or asking for recommendations). She asked me if Ive done things uncomfortable things before and asked me how it went.. She also started to ask me more about practical things, like when do I want them to finish their recommendations.. (which i am capable of figuring out myself). She then said my exposure is to write an email to the reccomendator and send it.. WELL YEAH IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULDVE DONE IT BY NOW.. LIKE HELLO I ALREADY KNOW THIS, THINKING AGOUT THIS RATIONALLY ISNT HELPING, AND ISNT ERP ABOUT SITTING WITH UNCERTAINTY?

chiapuddingw...

Date posted: Yesterday

Your fear is starting the application because of x, y, z reasons so your exposure is to send the application. It’s a good exposure and if it’s making you frustrated even better. I had a very similar experience going back to school after my undergrad. I overthought it for so long I had to delay my start semester. I’m here now and yes it’s hard but I’m so happy I did it. OCD will make you constantly think if this is the right move for you because it wants certainty but you have to just move forward with life without the certainty of things working out or not.

Kiara22

Date posted: Yesterday

@chiapuddingwithberries Sending the message should be the goal, yes, but I need help getting to that goal. Which is the entire point of therapy. If it was that, I wouldnt need therapy. Which is why I wrote the script.. but she didnt even encourage me to continue it or anything..

chiapuddingw...

Date posted: Yesterday

The help you seek is in the exposure itself. It’s like jumping into a cold ocean, you can’t think about it you just have to do it. I understand your frustration though and again I don’t have all the answers. Talk about your frustration with your therapist maybe that’ll help. Good luck!

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User type: Staff

Date posted: Yesterday

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Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

If you can't send the email, just write it. You can tell your therapist that you only got that far and it will be useful feedback for her. It just means the exposure was too high for you and she needs to adjust. But very important: If you are engaging with the process, even a tiny bit, you are probably progressing. Even if you couldn't write the email, and just stared at an empty email for 15 minutes and thought about what it would be like to write it, (without trying to reassure yourself or make yourself too comfortable) that is actually an extremely helpful and effective exercise that will result in you being able to do tasks like that more easily in the future. OCD is really good at TELLING you that the process is failing, or that you are failing to do the process correctly. I say this from a lot of experience. But if you're feeling worried like this, just keep trying for a week and you might be very surprised at how different you feel.

Kiara22

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Thank you. It would've been nice if you she helped me identify where im getting stuck, or what compulsions im doing other than avoidance.. thats why im so frustrated because she basically just reassured me and told me to do it :/

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@Kiara22 I would ask her to do an exposure exercise with you during a session. That was always the primary activity during my ERP.

Kiara22

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I literally gave her the exposure i was working on and all she did was reassure me. Im so upset.

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