It's getting bad again

It's been months since I last posted to this website. I thought I was getting better and learning to establish better boundaries. For a minute, I could live with myself despite the things I did as a teenager. Because I thought at the end of the day, I was only a kid when I did those things. It wouldn't erase the harm in them and it shouldn't ever, but I thought because I had these signs of OCD instead of not caring or getting off from them, I needed therapy to get back to where I was before this all started and be the assertive and moral person I want to be. I took comfort knowing those things happened because I was a dumb kid and not someone intentionally hunting vulnerable people down, so there was still time to fix it and I'd be able to protect others instead of hurting them But I started seeing these exposed documents all over Twitter even after I muted the words and my intrusive thoughts and compulsions started feeding on my past actions again. I have been relying on AI for reassurance, clarity and advice and I'm not sure it's going anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm a threat to minors again and I'll always be a groomer for what I did. But it's weird because I recently discovered that I myself was groomed by my ex friend. We didn't have a large age gap but it was everything else that made it grooming My intrusive thoughts and compulsions have been trying to turn it back on me by bringing up what I did and how it affected others. I don't even know if I can talk about it anywhere but with a therapist because it's super disturbing. But it's been telling me that if what my ex friend did was grooming, then that makes me a predator too. I keep analyzing my thoughts and trying to seek certainty but I don't know if I'm only avoiding accountability for my actions by doing that. What I did was deeply messed up and nothing can ever justify it. I worry about the people I hurt a lot even if it could be creepy, and I wish I could have only said no and draw lines and boundaries instead of letting things happen. I was so reckless and a pushover as a teenager and I know I can't take that back no matter how much accountability I take and how much I "prove" I'm not that person anymore I can no longer look at certain fictional characters and media without spiraling. Some time ago, I temporarily went back to looking at a child character and simply shrugging it off and telling myself any groinals was the stress and intrusiveness talking. But now I struggle to look at any character under 18, even if they're an adult for most of that media without worrying about whether or not I'm a pedophile. I stopped looking at a specific character I found attractive because of this and that character instead became a trigger for spirals I have also been dealing with contamination compulsions, specifically with bathroom problems. My hands feel dirty whenever I use the bathroom, and I agree it's good to wash your hands after you use the bathroom, but it's been stressing me out. It's not as bad as the pedophilic intrusiveness and compulsions but it's been something I have been noticing and wanting to say somewhere The good news is that I have insurance now. I'm praying that after getting my card, that I'll be able to see a therapist so I can at least find a way to deal with this in a healthy way. Even rn I'm trying to resist the urge to text crisis again because these spirals make suicide and reassurance seeking tempting. I'm only slightly better than I was earlier this year and that really sucks. I was doing so good for a few weeks and it came crashing down again. I'm so tired